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I often found myself depressed and only feigning cheerfulness。
With the set which comprised Iwin and 〃the aristocrats；〃 as they
were generally known； I could not make any headway at all； for；
as I now remember； I was always shy and churlish to them； and
nodded to them only when they nodded to me； so that they had
little inducement to desire my acquaintance。 With most of the
other students； however； this arose from quite a different cause。
As soon as ever I discerned friendliness on the part of a
comrade； I at once gave him to understand that I went to luncheon
with Prince Ivan Ivanovitch and kept my own drozhki。 All this I
said merely to show myself in the most favourable light in his
eyes； and to induce him to like me all the more； yet almost
invariably the only result of my communicating to him the
intelligence concerning the drozhki and my relationship to Prince
Ivan Ivanovitch was that； to my astonishment； he at once adopted
a cold and haughty bearing towards me。
Among us we had a Crown student named Operoffa very modest；
industrious； and clever young fellow； who always offered one his
hand like a slab of wood （that is to say； without closing his
fingers or making the slightest movement with them）； with the
result that his comrades often did the same to him in jest； and
called it the 〃deal board〃 way of shaking hands。 He and I nearly
always sat next to one another； and discussed matters generally。
In particular he pleased me with the freedom with which he would
criticise the professors as he pointed out to me with great
clearness and acumen the merits or demerits of their respective
ways of teaching and made occasional fun of them。 Such remarks I
found exceedingly striking and diverting when uttered in his
quiet； mincing voice。 Nevertheless he never let a lecture pass
without taking careful notes of it in his fine handwriting； and
eventually we decided to join forces； and to do our preparation
together。 Things had progressed to the point of his always
looking pleased when I took my usual seat beside him when；
unfortunately； I one day found it necessary to inform him that；
before her death； my mother had besought my father never to allow
us to enter for a government scholarship； as well as that I
myself considered Crown students； no matter how clever； to be…
〃well； they are not GENTLEMEN；〃 I concluded； though beginning to
flounder a little and grow red。 At the moment Operoff said
nothing； but at subsequent lectures he ceased to greet me or to
offer me his board…like hand； and never attempted to talk to me；
but； as soon as ever I sat down； he would lean his head upon his
arm； and purport to be absorbed in his notebooks。 I was surprised
at this sudden coolness； but looked upon it as infra dig； 〃pour
un jeune homme de bonne maison〃 to curry favour with a mere Crown
student of an Operoff； and so left him severely alonethough I
confess that his aloofness hurt my feelings。 On one occasion I
arrived before him； and； since the lecture was to be delivered by
a popular professor whom students came to hear who did not
usually attend such functions； I found almost every seat
occupied。 Accordingly I secured Operoff's place for myself by
spreading my notebooks on the desk before it； after which I left
the room again for a moment。 When I returned I perceived that my
paraphernalia had been relegated to the bench behind； and the
place taken by Operoff himself。 I remarked to him that I had
already secured it by placing my notebooks there。
〃I know nothing about that；〃 he replied sharply； yet without
looking up at me。
〃I tell you I placed my notebooks there；〃 I repeated； purposely
trying to bluster； in the hope of intimidating him。 〃Every one
saw me do it；〃 I added； including the students near me in my
glance。 Several of them looked at me with curiosity； yet none of
them spoke。
〃Seats cannot be booked here；〃 said Operoff。 〃Whoever first sits
down in a place keeps it；〃 and； settling himself angrily where he
was； he flashed at me a glance of defiance。
〃Well； that only means that you are a cad；〃 I said。
I have an idea that he murmured something about my being 〃a
stupid young idiot；〃 but I decided not to hear it。 What would be
the use； I asked myself； of my hearing it？ That we should brawl
like a couple of manants over less than nothing？ （I was very fond
of the word manants； and often used it for meeting awkward
junctures。） Perhaps I should have said something more had not； at
that moment； a door slammed and the professor （dressed in a blue
frockcoat； and shuffling his feet as he walked） ascended the
rostrum。
Nevertheless； when the examination was about to come on； and I
had need of some one's notebooks； Operoff remembered his promise
to lend me his； and we did our preparation together。
XXXVII
AFFAIRS OF THE HEART
Affaires du coeur exercised me greatly that winter。 In fact； I
fell in love three times。 The first time； I became passionately
enamoured of a buxom lady whom I used to see riding at Freitag's
riding…school； with the result that every day when she was taking
a lesson there （that is to say； every Tuesday and Friday） I used
to go to gaze at her； but always in such a state of trepidation
lest I should be seen that I stood a long way off； and bolted
directly I thought her likely to approach the spot where I was
standing。 Likewise； I used to turn round so precipitately whenever
she appeared to be glancing in my direction that I never saw her
face well； and to this day do not know whether she was really
beautiful or not。
Dubkoff； who was acquainted with her； surprised me one day in the
riding…school； where I was lurking concealed behind the lady's
grooms and the fur wraps which they were holding； and； having
heard from Dimitri of my infatuation； frightened me so terribly
by proposing to introduce me to the Amazon that I fled
incontinently from the school； and was prevented by the mere
thought that possibly he had told her about me from ever entering
the place again； or even from hiding behind her grooms； lest I
should encounter her。
Whenever I fell in love with ladies whom I did not know； and
especially married women； I experienced a shyness a thousand
times greater than I had ever felt with Sonetchka。 I dreaded
beyond measure that my divinity should learn of my passion； or
even of my existence； since I felt sure that； once she had done
so； she would be so terribly offended that I should never be
forgiven for my presumption。 And indeed； if the Amazon referred
to above had ever come to know how I used to stand behind the
grooms and dream of seizing her and carrying her off to some
country spotif she had ever come to know how I should have lived
with her there； and how I should have treated her； it is probable
that she would have had very good cause for indignation！ But I
always felt that； once I got to know her； she would straightway
divine these thoughts； and c