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always felt that； once I got to know her； she would straightway
divine these thoughts； and consider herself insulted by my
acquaintance。
As my second affaire du coeur； I； （for the third time） fell in
love with Sonetchka when I saw her at her sister's。 My second
passion for her had long since come to an end； but I became
enamoured of her this third time through Lubotshka sending me a
copy…book in which Sonetchka had copied some extracts from
Lermontoff's The Demon； with certain of the more subtly amorous
passages underlined in red ink and marked with pressed flowers。
Remembering how Woloda had been wont to kiss his inamorata's
purse last year； I essayed to do the same thing now； and really；
when alone in my room in the evenings and engaged in dreaming as
I looked at a flower or occasionally pressed it to my lips； I
would feel a certain pleasantly lachrymose mood steal over me；
and remain genuinely in love （or suppose myself to be so） for at
least several days。
Finally； my third affaire du coeur that winter was connected with
the lady with whom Woloda was in love； and who used occasionally
to visit at our house。 Yet； in this damsel； as I now remember；
there was not a single beautiful feature to be foundor； at all
events； none of those which usually pleased me。 She was the
daughter of a well…known Moscow lady of light and leading； and；
petite and slender； wore long flaxen curls after the English
fashion； and could boast of a transparent profile。 Every one said
that she was even cleverer and more learned than her mother； but
I was never in a position to judge of that； since； overcome with
craven bashfulness at the mere thought of her intellect and
accomplishments； I never spoke to her alone but once； and then
with unaccountable trepidation。 Woloda's enthusiasm； however （for
the presence of an audience never prevented him from giving vent
to his rapture）； communicated itself to me so strongly that I
also became enamoured of the lady。 Yet； conscious that he would
not be pleased to know that two brothers were in love with the
same girl； I never told him of my condition。 On the contrary； I
took special delight in the thought that our mutual love for her
was so pure that； though its object was； in both cases； the same
charming being； we remained friends and ready； if ever the
occasion should arise； to sacrifice ourselves for one another。
Yet I have an idea that； as regards self…sacrifice； he did not
quite share my views； for he was so passionately in love with the
lady that once he was for giving a member of the diplomatic
corps； who was said to be going to marry her； a slap in the face
and a challenge to a duel； but； for my part； I would gladly have
sacrificed my feelings for his sake； seeing that the fact that
the only remark I had ever addressed to her had been on the
subject of the dignity of classical music； and that my passion；
for all my efforts to keep it alive； expired the following week；
would have rendered it the more easy for me to do so。
XXXVIII
THE WORLD
As regards those worldly delights to which I had intended； on
entering the University； to surrender myself in imitation of my
brother； I underwent a complete disillusionment that winter。
Woloda danced a great deal； and Papa also went to balls with his
young wife； but I appeared to be thought either too young or
unfitted for such delights； and no one invited me to the houses
where balls were being given。 Yet； in spite of my vow of
frankness with Dimitri； I never told him （nor any one else） how
much I should have liked to go to those dances； and how I felt
hurt at being forgotten and （apparently） taken for the
philosopher that I pretended to be。
Nevertheless； a reception was to be given that winter at the
Princess Kornakoff's； and to it she sent us personal invitations
to myself among the rest！ Consequently； I was to attend my first
ball。 Before starting； Woloda came into my room to see how I was
dressing myselfan act on his part which greatly surprised me and
took me aback。 In my opinion （it must be understood） solicitude
about one's dress was a shameful thing； and should be kept under；
but he seemed to think it a thing so natural and necessary that
he said outright that he was afraid I should be put out of
countenance on that score。 Accordingly； he bid me don my patent
leather boots； and was horrified to find that I wanted to put on
gloves of peau de chamois。 Next； he adjusted my watch…chain in a
particular manner； and carried me off to a hairdresser's near the
Kuznetski Bridge to have my locks coiffured。 That done； he
withdrew to a little distance and surveyed me。
〃Yes； he looks right enough now〃 said he to the hairdresser。
〃Onlycouldn't you smooth those tufts of his in front a little？〃
Yet； for all that Monsieur Charles treated my forelocks with one
essence and another； they persisted in rising up again when ever
I put on my hat。 In fact； my curled and tonsured figure seemed to
me to look far worse than it had done before。 My only hope of
salvation lay in an affectation of untidiness。 Only in that guise
would my exterior resemble anything at all。 Woloda； apparently；
was of the same opinion； for he begged me to undo the curls； and
when I had done so and still looked unpresentable； he ceased to
regard me at all； but throughout the drive to the Kornakoffs
remained silent and depressed。
Nevertheless； I entered the Kornakoffs' mansion boldly enough； and
it was only when the Princess had invited me to dance； and I； for
some reason or another （though I had driven there with no other
thought in my head than to dance well）； had replied that I never
indulged in that pastime； that I began to blush； and； left
solitary among a crowd of strangers； became plunged in my usual
insuperable and ever…growing shyness。 In fact； I remained silent
on that spot almost the whole evening！
Nevertheless； while a waltz was in progress； one of the young
princesses came to me and asked me； with the sort of official
kindness common to all her family； why I was not dancing。 I can
remember blushing hotly at the question； but at the same time
feelingfor all my efforts to prevent ita self…satisfied smile
steal over my face as I began talking； in the most inflated and
long…winded French； such rubbish as even now； after dozens of
years； it shames me to recall。 It must have been the effect of
the music； which； while exciting my nervous sensibility； drowned
（as I supposed） the less intelligible portion of my utterances。
Anyhow； I went on speaking of the exalted company present； and of
the futility of men and women； until I had got myself into such a
tangle that I was forced to stop short in the middle of a word of
a sentence which I found myself powerless to conclude。
Even the worldly…minded young Princess was shocked by my conduct；
and gazed at me in reproach； whereat I burst out laughing。 At
this critical moment； Woloda； who had remarked