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Friday morning。
Renee； my fair saint； the happiness of my own life pulls me for ever
back to you。 I feel that I can be more to you than ever before； you
are so dear to me！ I have studied your wedded life closely in the
light of my own opening chapters； and you seem to me to come out of
the scrutiny so great； so noble； so splendid in your goodness； that I
here declare myself your inferior and humble admirer； as well as your
friend。 When I think what marriage has been to me； it seems to me that
I should have died； had it turned out otherwise。 And you live！ Tell me
what your heart feeds on！ Never again shall I make fun of you。
Mockery； my sweet； is the child of ignorance； we jest at what we know
nothing of。 〃Recruits will laugh where the veteran soldier looks
grave；〃 was a remark made to me by the Comte de Chaulieu； that poor
cavalry officer whose campaigning so far has consisted in marches from
Paris to Fontainebleau and back again。
I surmise； too； my dear love； that you have not told me all。 There are
wounds which you have hidden。 You suffer； I am convinced of it。 In
trying to make out at this distance and from the scraps you tell me
the reasons of your conduct； I have weaved together all sorts of
romantic theories about you。 〃She has made a mere experiment in
marriage；〃 I thought one evening； 〃and what is happiness for me had
proved only suffering to her。 Her sacrifice is barren of reward； and
she would not make it greater than need be。 The unctuous axioms of
social morality are only used to cloak her disappointment。〃 Ah！ Renee；
the best of happiness is that it needs no dogma and no fine words to
pave the way； it speaks for itself； while theory has been piled upon
theory to justify the system of women's vassalage and thralldom。 If
self…denial be so noble； so sublime； what； pray； of my joy； sheltered
by the gold…and…white canopy of the church； and witnessed by the hand
and seal of the most sour…faced of mayors？ Is it a thing out of
nature？
For the honor of the law； for her own sake； but most of all to make my
happiness complete； I long to see my Renee content。 Oh！ tell me that
you see a dawn of love for this Louis who adores you！ Tell me that the
solemn； symbolic torch of Hymen has not alone served to lighten your
darkness； but that love； the glorious sun of our hearts； pours his
rays on you。 I come back always； you see； to this midday blaze； which
will be my destruction； I fear。
Dear Renee； do you remember how； in your outbursts of girlish
devotion； you would say to me； as we sat under the vine…covered arbor
of the convent garden； 〃I love you so； Louise； that if God appeared to
me in a vision； I would pray Him that all the sorrows of life might be
mine； and all the joy yours。 I burn to suffer for you〃？ Now； darling；
the day has come when I take up your prayer； imploring Heaven to grant
you a share in my happiness。
I must tell you my idea。 I have a shrewd notion that you are hatching
ambitious plans under the name of Louis de l'Estorade。 Very good； get
him elected deputy at the approaching election； for he will be very
nearly forty then； and as the Chamber does not meet till six months
later； he will have just attained the age necessary to qualify for a
seat。 You will come to Paristhere； isn't that enough？ My father； and
the friends I shall have made by that time； will learn to know and
admire you； and if your father…in…law will agree to found a family； we
will get the title of Comte for Louis。 That is something at least！ And
we shall be together。
XXVIII
RENEE DE L'ESTORADE TO LOUISE DE MACUMER
December。
My thrice happy Louise； your letter made me dizzy。 For a few moments I
held it in my listless hands； while a tear or two sparkled on it in
the setting sun。 I was alone beneath the small barren rock where I
have had a seat placed； far off； like a lance of steel； the
Mediterranean shone。 The seat is shaded by aromatic shrubs； and I have
had a very large jessamine； some honeysuckle； and Spanish brooms
transplanted there； so that some day the rock will be entirely covered
with climbing plants。 The wild vine has already taken root there。 But
winter draws near； and all this greenery is faded like a piece of old
tapestry。 In this spot I am never molested； it is understood that here
I wish to be alone。 It is named Louise's seata proof； is it not；
that even in solitude I am not alone here？
If I tell you all these details； to you so paltry； and try to describe
the vision of green with which my prophetic gaze clothes this bare
rockon which top some freak of nature has set up a magnificent
parasol pineit is because in all this I have found an emblem to
which I cling。
It was while your blessed lot was filling me with joy andmust I
confess it？with bitter envy too； that I felt the first movement of
my child within； and this mystery of physical life reacted upon the
inner recesses of my soul。 This indefinable sensation； which partakes
of the nature at once of a warning； a delight； a pain； a promise； and
a fulfilment； this joy； which is mine alone； unshared by mortal； this
wonder of wonders； has whispered to me that one day this rock shall be
a carpet of flowers； resounding to the merry laughter of children；
that I shall at last be blessed among women； and from me shall spring
forth fountains of life。 Now I know what I have lived for！ Thus the
first certainty of bearing within me another life brought healing to
my wounds。 A joy that beggars description has crowned for me those
long days of sacrifice； in which Louis had already found his。
Sacrifice！ I said to myself； how far does it excel passion！ What
pleasure has roots so deep as one which is not personal but creative？
Is not the spirit of Sacrifice a power mightier than any of its
results？ Is it not that mysterious； tireless divinity； who hides
beneath innumerable spheres in an unexplored centre； through which all
worlds in turn must pass？ Sacrifice； solitary and secret； rich in
pleasures only tasted in silence； which none can guess at； and no
profane eye has ever seen； Sacrifice； jealous God and tyrant； God of
strength and victory； exhaustless spring which； partaking of the very
essence of all that exists； can by no expenditure be drained below its
own level；Sacrifice； there is the keynote of my life。
For you； Louise； love is but the reflex of Felipe's passion； the life
which I shed upon my little ones will come back to me in ever…growing
fulness。 The plenty of your golden harvest will pass； mine； though
late； will be but the more enduring； for each hour will see it
renewed。 Love may be the fairest gem which Society has filched from
Nature； but what is motherhood save Nature in her most gladsome mood？
A smile has dried my tears。 Love makes my Louis happy； but marriage
has made me a mother； and who shall say I am not happy also？
With slow steps； then； I returned to my white grange； with the green
shutters； to write you these thoughts。
So it is； darling； that the most marvelous； and yet the simplest；
process of nature has been going on in me for five months； and yetin
your ear let me whisper itso far it agitates neither my heart nor my
understanding。 I s