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your ear let me whisper itso far it agitates neither my heart nor my
understanding。 I see all around me happy； the grandfather…to…be has
become a child again； trespassing on the grandchild's place； the
father wears a grave and anxious look； they are all most attentive to
me； all talk of the joy of being a mother。 Alas！ I alone remain cold；
and I dare not tell you how dead I am to all emotion； though I affect
a little in order not to damp the general satisfaction。 But with you I
may be frank； and I confess that； at my present stage； motherhood is a
mere affair of the imagination。
Louis was to the full as much surprised as I。 Does not this show how
little； unless by his impatient wishes； the father counts for in this
matter？ Chance； my dear； is the sovereign deity in child…bearing。 My
doctor； while maintaining that this chance works in harmony with
nature； does not deny that children who are the fruit of passionate
love are bound to be richly endowed both physically and mentally； and
that often the happiness which shone like a radiant star over their
birth seems to watch over them through life。 It may be then； Louise；
that motherhood reserves joys for you which I shall never know。 It may
be that the feeling of a mother for the child of a man whom she
adores； as you adore Felipe； is different from that with which she
regards the offspring of reason； duty； and desperation！
Thoughts such as these； which I bury in my inmost heart； add to the
preoccupation only natural to a woman soon to be a mother。 And yet； as
the family cannot exist without children； I long to speed the moment
from which the joys of family； where alone I am to find my life； shall
date their beginning。 At present I live a life all expectation and
mystery； except for a sickening physical discomfort； which no doubt
serves to prepare a woman for suffering of a different kind。 I watch
my symptoms； and in spite of the attentions and thoughtful care with
which Louis' anxiety surrounds me； I am conscious of a vague
uneasiness； mingled with the nausea； the distaste for food； and
abnormal longings common to my condition。 If I am to speak candidly； I
must confess； at the risk of disgusting you with the whole business；
to an incomprehensible craving for rotten fruit。 My husband goes to
Marseilles to fetch the finest oranges the world producesfrom Malta；
Portugal； Corsicaand these I don't touch。 Then I hurry there myself；
sometimes on foot； and in a little back street； running down to the
harbor； close to the Town Hall； I find wretched； half…putrid oranges；
two for a sou； which I devour eagerly。 The bluish； greenish shades on
the mouldy parts sparkle like diamonds in my eyes； they are flowers to
me； I forget the putrid odor； and find them delicious； with a piquant
flavor； and stimulating as wine。 My dear； they are the first love of
my life！ Your passion for Felipe is nothing to this！ Sometimes I can
slip out secretly and fly to Marseilles； full of passionate longings；
which grow more intense as I draw near the street。 I tremble lest the
woman should be sold out of rotten oranges； I pounce on them and
devour them as I stand。 It seems to me an ambrosial food； and yet I
have seen Louis turn aside； unable to bear the smell。 Then came to my
mind the ghastly words of Obermann in his gloomy elegy； which I wish I
had never read； 〃Roots slake their thirst in foulest streams。〃 Since I
took to this diet； the sickness has ceased； and I feel much stronger。
This depravity of taste must have a meaning； for it seems to be part
of a natural process and to be common to most women； sometimes going
to most extravagant lengths。
When my situation is more marked； I shall not go beyond the grounds；
for I should not like to be seen under these circumstances。 I have the
greatest curiosity to know at what precise moment the sense of
motherhood begins。 It cannot possibly be in the midst of frightful
suffering； the very thought of which makes me shudder。
Farewell； favorite of fortune！ Farewell； my friend； in whom I live
again； and through whom I am able to picture to myself this brave
love； this jealousy all on fire at a look； these whisperings in the
ear； these joys which create for women； as it were； a new atmosphere；
a new daylight； fresh life！ Ah！ pet； I too understand love。 Don't
weary of telling me everything。 Keep faithful to our bond。 I promise；
in my turn； to spare you nothing。
Nayto conclude in all seriousnessI will not conceal from you that；
on reading your letter a second time； I was seized with a dread which
I could not shake off。 This superb love seems like a challenge to
Providence。 Will not the sovereign master of this earth； Calamity；
take umbrage if no place be left for him at your feast？ What mighty
edifice of fortune has he not overthrown？ Oh！ Louise； forget not； in
all this happiness； your prayers to God。 Do good； be kind and
merciful； let your moderation； if it may be； avert disaster。 Religion
has meant much more to me since I left the convent and since my
marriage； but your Paris news contains no mention of it。 In your
glorification of Felipe it seems to me you reverse the saying； and
invoke God less than His saint。
But； after all； this panic is only excess of affection。 You go to
church together； I do not doubt； and do good in secret。 The close of
this letter will seem to you very primitive； I expect； but think of
the too eager friendship which prompts these fearsa friendship of
the type of La Fontaine's； which takes alarms at dreams； at half…
formed； misty ideas。 You deserve to be happy； since； through it all；
you still think of me； no less than I think of you； in my monotonous
life； which； though it lacks color； is yet not empty； and； if
uneventful； is not unfruitful。 God bless you； then！
XXIX
M。 DE L'ESTORADE TO THE BARONNE DE MACUMER
December 1825。
Madame；It is the desire of my wife that you should not learn first
from the formal announcement of an event which has filled us with joy。
Renee has just given birth to a fine boy； whose baptism we are
postponing till your return to Chantepleurs。 Renee and I both
earnestly hope that you may then come as far as La Crampade； and will
consent to act as godmother to our firstborn。 In this hope； I have had
him placed on the register under the name of Armand…Louis de
l'Estorade。
Our dear Renee suffered much； but bore it with angelic patience。 You；
who know her； will easily understand that the assurance of bringing
happiness to us all supported her through this trying apprenticeship
to motherhood。
Without indulging in the more or less ludicrous exaggerations to which
the novel sensation of being a father is apt to give rise； I may tell
you that little Armand is a beautiful infant； and you will have no
difficulty in believing it when I add that he has Renee's features and
eyes。 So far； at least； this gives proof of intelligence。
The physician and accoucheur assure us that Renee is now quite out of
danger； and as she is proving an admirable nurseNature has endowed
her so generously！my father and I are able to give free rein to our
joy。 Madame； may I be allowed to express the hope that this joy； so
vivid and int