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than Artemus the wants of a miscellaneous audience who paid their
dollar or half…dollar each to be amused。 No one could gauge better
than he the capacity of the crowd to feed on pure fun； and no one
could discriminate more clearly than he the fitness； temper； and
mental appetite of the constituents of his evening assemblies。 The
prosiness of an ordinary Mechanics' Institute lecture was to him
simply abhorrent； the learned platitudes of a professed lecturer
were to him； to use one of his own phrases； 〃worse than poison。〃 To
make people laugh was to be his primary endeavour。 If in so making
them laugh he could also cause them to see through a sham； be
ashamed of some silly national prejudice； or suspicious of the value
of some current piece of political bunkum； so much the better。 He
believed in laughter as thoroughly wholesome； he had the firmest
conviction that fun is healthy； and sportiveness the truest sign of
sanity。 Like Talleyrand； he was of opinion that 〃Qui vit sans jolie
n'est pas si sage qu'il croit。〃
Artemus Ward's first lecture was entitled 〃The Babes in the Wood。〃
I asked him why he chose that title； because there was nothing
whatever in the lecture relevant to the subject of the child…book
legend。 He replied； 〃It seemed to sound the best。 I once thought
of calling the lecture 'My Seven Grandmothers。' Don't you think
that would have been good？〃 It would at any rate have been just as
pertinent。
Incongruity as an element of fun was always an idea uppermost in the
mind of the Western humorist。 I am not aware that the notes of any
of his lectures； except those of his Mormon experience； have been
preserved； and I have some doubts if any one of his lectures； except
the Mormon one； was ever fairly written out。 〃The Babes in the
Wood；〃 as a lecture； was a pure and unmitigated 〃sell。〃 It was
merely joke after joke； and drollery succeeding to drollery； without
any connecting thread whatever。 It was an exhibition of fireworks；
owing half its brilliancy and more than half its effect to the skill
of the man who grouped the fireworks together and let them off。 In
the hands of any other pyrotechnist the squibs would have failed to
light； the rockets would have refused to ascend； and the
〃nine…bangers〃 would have exploded but once or twice only； instead
of nine times。 The artist of the display being no more； and the
fireworks themselves having gone out； it is perhaps not to be
regretted that the cases of the squibs and the tubes of the rockets
have not been carefully kept。 Most of the good things introduced by
Artemus Ward in his first lecture were afterwards incorporated by
him in subsequent writings； or used over again in his later
entertainment。 Many of them had reference to the events of the day；
the circumstances of the American War and the politics of the Great
Rebellion。 These； of course； have lost their interest with the
passing away of the times which gave them birth。 The points of many
of the jokes have corroded； and the barbed head of many an arrow of
Artemus's wit has rusted into bluntness with the decay of the bow
from which it was propelled。
If I remember rightly； the 〃Babes in the Wood〃 were never mentioned
more than twice in the whole lecture。 First； when the lecturer told
his audience that the 〃Babes〃 were to constitute the subject of his
discourse； and then digressed immediately to matters quite foreign
to the story。 Then again at the conclusion of the hour and twenty
minutes of drollery； when he finished up in this way： 〃I now come to
my subject 'The Babes in the Wood。'〃 Here he would take out his
watch； look at it with affected surprise； put on an appearance of
being greatly perplexed； and amidst roars of laughter from the
people； very gravely continue； 〃But I find that I have exceeded my
time； and will therefore merely remark that； so far as I know； they
were very good babesthey were as good as ordinary babes。 I really
have not time to go into their history。 You will find it all in the
story…books。 They died in the woods； listening to the woodpecker
tapping the hollow beech…tree。 It was a sad fate for them； and I
pity them。 So； I hope； do you。 Good night！〃
Artemus gave his first lecture at Norwich in Connecticut； and
travelled over a considerable portion of the Eastern States before
he ventured to give a sample of his droll oratory in the Western
cities； wherein he had earned reputation as a journalist。 Gradually
his popularity became very great； and in place of letting himself
out at so much per night to literary societies and athenaeums； he
constituted himself his own showman； engaging that indispensable
adjunct to all showmen in the United States； an agent to go ahead；
engage halls； arrange for the sale of tickets； and engineer the
success of the show。 Newspapers had carried his name to every
village of the Union； and his writings had been largely quoted in
every journal。 It required； therefore； comparatively little
advertising to announce his visit to any place in which he had to
lecture。 But it was necessary that he should have a bill or poster
of some kind。 The one he adopted was simple； quaint； striking； and
well adapted to the purpose。 It was merely one large sheet； with a
black ground； and the letters cut out in the block； so as to print
white。 The reading was 〃Artemus Ward will Speak a Piece。〃 To the
American mind this was intensely funny from its childish absurdity。
It is customary in the States for children to speak or recite 〃a
piece〃 at school at the annual examination； and the phrase is used
just in the same sense as in England we say 〃a Christmas piece。〃
The professed subject of the lecture being that of a story familiar
to children； harmonised well with the droll placard which announced
its delivery。 The place and time were notified on a slip pasted
beneath。 To emerge from the dull depths of lyceum committees and
launch out as a showman…lecturer on his own responsibility； was
something both novel and bold for Artemus to do。 In the majority of
instances he or his agent met with speculators who were ready to
engage him for so many lectures； and secure to the lecturer a
certain fixed sum。 But in his later transactions Artemus would have
nothing to do with them； much preferring to undertake all the risk
himself。 The last speculator to whom he sold himself for a tour
was； I believe； Mr。 Wilder； of New York City； who realised a large
profit by investing in lecturing stock； and who was always ready to
engage a circus； a wild…beast show； or a lecturing celebrity。
As a rule Artemus Ward succeeded in pleasing every one in his
audience； especially those who understood the character of the man
and the drift of his lecture； but there were not wanting at any of
his lectures a few obtuse…minded； slowly…perceptive； drowsy…headed
dullards； who had not the remotest idea what the entertainer was
talking about； nor why those around him indulged in laughter。
Artemus was quick to detect these little spots upon the sunny face
of his auditory。 He would pick them out； address himself at times
to them especially； and enjoy the bewilderment of his Boeotian
patrons