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orfice…seekers from chawin him up alive without benefit of clergy。
The minit he reached the fireplace he jumpt up； brusht the soot out
of his eyes； and yelled： 〃Don't make eny pintment at the
Spunkville postoffiss till you've read my papers。 All the
respectful men in our town is signers to that there dockyment！〃
〃Good God！〃 cried Old Abe； 〃they cum upon me from the skizedown
the chimneys； and from the bowels of the yerth！〃 He hadn't more'n
got them words out of his delikit mouth before two fat
offiss…seekers from Winconsin； in endeverin to crawl atween his
legs for the purpuss of applyin for the tollgateship at Milwawky；
upsot the President eleck； & he would hev gone sprawlin into the
fireplace if I hadn't caught him in these arms。 But I hadn't more'n
stood him up strate before another man cum crashing down the chimney；
his head strikin me viliently again the inards and prostratin my
voluptoous form onto the floor。 〃Mr。 Linkin；〃 shoutid the
infatooated being； 〃my papers is signed by every clergyman in our
town； and likewise the skoolmaster！〃
Sez I； 〃You egrejis ass；〃 gittin up & brushin the dust from my
eyes； 〃I'll sign your papers with this bunch of bones； if you don't
be a little more keerful how you make my bread basket a depot in
the futur。 How do you like that air perfumery？〃 sez I； shuving my
fist under his nose。 〃Them's the kind of papers I'll give you！
Them's the papers YOU want！〃
〃But I workt hard for the ticket； I toiled night and day！ The
patrit should be rewarded！〃
〃Virtoo；〃 sed I； holdin' the infatooated man by the coat…collar；
〃virtoo； sir； is its own reward。 Look at me！〃 He did look at me；
and qualed be4 my gase。 〃The fact is；〃 I continued； lookin' round
on the hungry crowd； 〃there is scacely a offiss for every ile lamp
carrid round durin' this campane。 I wish thare was。 I wish thare
was furrin missions to be filled on varis lonely Islands where
eppydemics rage incessantly； and if I was in Old Abe's place I'd
send every mother's son of you to them。 What air you here for？〃 I
continnered； warmin up considerable； 〃can't you giv Abe a minit's
peace？ Don't you see he's worrid most to death？ Go home； you
miserable men； go home & till the sile！ Go to peddlin tinwarego
to choppin woodgo to bilin' sopestuff sassengersblack boots
git a clerkship on sum respectable manure cartgo round as
original Swiss Bell Ringersbecum 'origenal and only' Campbell
Minstrelsgo to lecturin at 50 dollars a niteimbark in the
peanut biznissWRITE FOR THE 'LEDGER'saw off your legs and go
round givin concerts； with tuchin appeals to a charitable public；
printed on your handbillsanything for a honest living； but don't
come round here drivin Old Abe crazy by your outrajis cuttings up！
Go home。 Stand not upon the order of your goin；' but go to onct！
Ef in five minits from this time；〃 sez I； pullin' out my new
sixteen dollar huntin cased watch and brandishin' it before their
eyes； 〃Ef in five minits from this time a single sole of you
remains on these here premises； I'll go out to my cage near by； and
let my Boy Constructor loose！ & ef he gits amung you； you'll think
old Solferino has cum again and no mistake！〃 You ought to hev seen
them scamper； Mr。 Fair。 They run ort as tho Satun hisself was
arter them with a red hot ten pronged pitchfork。 In five minits
the premises was clear。
〃How kin I ever repay you； Mr。 Ward； for your kindness？〃 sed Old
Abe； advancin and shakin me warmly by the hand。 〃How kin I ever
repay you； sir？〃
〃By givin the whole country a good； sound administration。 By
poerin' ile upon the troubled waturs； North and South。 By
pursooin' a patriotic； firm； and just course； and then if any State
wants to secede； let 'em Sesesh！〃
〃How 'bout my Cabinit； Mister Ward？〃 sed Abe。
〃Fill it up with Showmen； sir！ Showmen； is devoid of politics。
They hain't got any principles。 They know how to cater for the
public。 They know what the public wants； North & South。 Showmen；
sir； is honest men。 Ef you doubt their literary ability； look at
their posters； and see small bills！ Ef you want a Cabinit as is a
Cabinit fill it up with showmen； but don't call on me。 The moral
wax figger perfeshun musn't be permitted to go down while there's a
drop of blood in these vains！ A。 Linkin； I wish you well！ Ef
Powers or Walcutt wus to pick out a model for a beautiful man； I
scarcely think they'd sculp you； but ef you do the fair thing by
your country you'll make as putty a angel as any of us！ A。 Linkin；
use the talents which Nature has put into you judishusly and
firmly； and all will be well！ A。 Linkin； adoo！〃
He shook me cordyully by the handwe exchanged picters； so we
could gaze upon each other's liniments； when far away from one
anotherhe at the hellum of the ship of State； and I at the hellum
of the show biznissadmittance only 15 cents。
1。32。 INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON。
Notwithstandin I hain't writ much for the papers of late； nobody
needn't flatter theirselves that the undersined is ded。 On the
contry； 〃I still live；〃 which words was spoken by Danyil Webster；
who was a able man。 Even the old…line whigs of Boston will admit
THAT。 Webster is ded now； howsever； and his mantle has probly
fallen into the hands of sum dealer in 2nd hand close； who can't
sell it。 Leastways nobody pears to be goin round wearin it to any
perticler extent； now days。 The rigiment of whom I was kurnel；
finerly concluded they was better adapted as Home Gards； which
accounts for your not hearin of me； ear this； where the bauls is
the thickest and where the cannon doth roar。 But as a American
citizen I shall never cease to admire the masterly advance our
troops made on Washinton from Bull Run； a short time ago。 It was
well dun。 I spoke to my wife 'bout it at the time。 My wife sed it
was well dun。
It havin there4 bin detarmined to pertect Baldinsville at all
hazzuds； and as there was no apprehensions of any immejit danger； I
thought I would go orf onto a pleasure tower。 Accordinly I put on
a clean Biled Shirt and started for Washinton。 I went there to see
the Prints Napoleon； and not to see the place； which I will here
take occasion to obsarve is about as uninterestin a locality as
there is this side of J。 Davis's future home； if he ever does die；
and where I reckon they'll make it so warm for him that he will si
for his summer close。 It is easy enough to see why a man goes to
the poor house or the penitentiary。 It's becawz he can't help it。
But why he should woluntarily go and live in Washinton； is intirely
beyond my comprehension； and I can't say no fairer nor that。
I put up to a leadin hotel。 I saw the landlord and sed； 〃How d'ye
do； Square？〃
〃Fifty cents； sir；〃 was his reply。
〃Sir？〃
〃Half…a…dollar。 We charge twenty…five cents for LOOKIN at the
landlord and fifty cents for speakin to him。 If you want supper； a
boy will show you to the dinin…room for twenty…five cents。 Your
room bein in the tenth story； it will cost you a dollar to be shown
up there。〃
〃How much do you ax for a man breathin in this equinomikal tarvun？〃
sed I。
〃Ten cents a Breth；〃 was his reply。
Washinton hotels is ve