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me sorely。 When I sent 'em that Toy Enjine I had not
contempyulated that they would so fur forgit what wos doo the
dignity of our house as to squirt dishwater on the Incum Tax
Collector。 It is a disloyal act； and shows a prematoor leanin'
tords cussedness that alarms me。 I send to Amelia Ann； our oldest
dawter； sum new music； viz。 〃I am Lonely sints My Mother…in…law
Died〃； 〃Dear Mother； What tho' the Hand that Spanked me in my
Childhood's Hour is withered now？〃 &c。 These song writers； by the
way； air doin' the Mother Bizness rather too muchly。
Your Own Troo husban'；
Artemus Ward。
1。30。 HOW OLD ABE RECEIVED THE NEWS OF HIS NOMINATION。
There are several reports afloat as to how 〃Honest Old Abe〃
received the news of his nomination； none of which are correct。 We
give the correct report。
The Official Committee arrived in Springfield at dewy eve； and went
to Honest Old Abe's house。 Honest Old Abe was not in。 Mrs。 Honest
Old Abe said Honest Old Abe was out in the woods splitting rails。
So the Official Committee went out into the woods； where sure
enough they found Honest Old Abe splitting rails with his two boys。
It was a grand； a magnificent spectacle。 There stood Honest Old
Abe in his shirt…sleeves； a pair of leather home…made suspenders
holding up a pair of home…made pantaloons； the seat of which was
neatly patched with substantial cloth of a different color。 〃Mr
Lincoln； Sir； you've been nominated； Sir； for the highest office；
Sir。〃 〃Oh； don't bother me；〃 said Honest Old Abe； 〃I took a
STENT this mornin' to split three million rails afore night； and I
don't want to be pestered with no stuff about no Conventions till I
get my stent done。 I've only got two hundred thousand rails to
split before sundown。 I kin do it if you'll let me alone。〃 And
the great man went right on splitting rails； paying no attention to
the Committee whatever。 The Committee were lost in admiration for
a few moments； when they recovered； and asked one of Honest Old
Abe's boys whose boy he was？ 〃I'm my parent's boy；〃 shouted the
urchin； which burst of wit so convulsed the Committee that they
came very near 〃gin'in eout〃 completely。 In a few moments Honest
Ole Abe finished his task； and received the news with perfect
self…possession。 He then asked them up to the house； where he
received them cordially。 He said he split three million rails every
day； although he was in very poor health。 Mr。 Lincoln is a jovial
man； and has a keen sense of the ludicrous。 During the evening he
asked Mr。 Evarts； of New York； 〃why Chicago was like a hen crossing
the street？〃 Mr。 Evarts gave it up。 〃Because；〃 said Mr。 Lincoln；
〃Old Grimes is dead； that good old man！〃 This exceedingly humorous
thing created the most uproarious laughter。
1。31。 INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN。
I hav no politics。 Not a one。 I'm not in the bisiness。 If I was
I spose I should holler versiffrusly in the streets at nite and go
home to Betsy Jane smellen of coal ile and gin； in the mornin。 I
should go to the Poles arly。 I should stay there all day。 I should
see to it that my nabers was thar。 I should git carriges to take
the kripples； the infirm and the indignant thar。 I should be on
guard agin frauds and sich。 I should be on the look out for the
infamus lise of the enemy； got up jest be4 elecshun for perlitical
effeck。 When all was over and my candydate was elected； I should
move heving & erthso to speakuntil I got orfice； which if I
didn't git a orfice I should turn round and abooze the
Administration with all my mite and maine。 But I'm not in the
bizniss。 I'm in a far more respectful bizniss nor what pollertics
is。 I wouldn't giv two cents to be a Congresser。 The wuss insult
I ever received was when sertin citizens of Baldinsville axed me to
run fur the Legislater。 Sez I； 〃My frends； dostest think I'd stoop
to that there？〃 They turned as white as a sheet。 I spoke in my
most orfullest tones & they knowed I wasn't to be trifled with。
They slunked out of site to onct。
There4； havin no politics； I made bold to visit Old Abe at his
humstid in Springfield。 I found the old feller in his parler；
surrounded by a perfeck swarm of orfice seekers。 Knowin he had
been capting of a flat boat on the roarin Mississippy I thought I'd
address him in sailor lingo； so sez I； 〃Old Abe； ahoy！ Let out yer
main…suls； reef hum the forecastle & throw yer jib…poop over…board！
Shiver my timbers； my harty！〃 ＇N。B。 This is ginuine mariner
langwidge。 I know； becawz I've seen sailor plays acted out by them
New York theatre fellers。＇ Old Abe lookt up quite cross & sez；
〃Send in yer petition by & by。 I can't possibly look at it now。
Indeed； I can't。 It's onpossible； sir！〃
〃Mr。 Linkin； who do you spect I air？〃 sed I。
〃A orfice…seeker； to be sure；〃 sed he。
〃Wall； sir；〃 sed I； 〃you's never more mistaken in your life。 You
hain't gut a orfiss I'd take under no circumstances。 I'm A。 Ward。
Wax figgers is my perfeshun。 I'm the father of Twins； and they
look like meBOTH OF THEM。 I cum to pay a friendly visit to the
President eleck of the United States。 If so be you wants to see
me； say so；if not； say so & I'm orf like a jug handle。〃
〃Mr。 Ward； sit down。 I am glad to see you； Sir。〃
〃Repose in Abraham's Buzzum！〃 sed one of the orfice seekers； his
idee bein to git orf a goak at my expense。
〃Wall；〃 sez I； 〃ef all you fellers repose in that there Buzzum
thar'll be mity poor nussin for sum of you！〃 whereupon Old Abe
buttoned his weskit clear up and blusht like a maidin of sweet
16。 Jest at this pint of the conversation another swarm of
orfice…seekers arrove & cum pilin into the parler。 Sum wanted
post orfices； sum wanted collectorships； sum wantid furrin
missions； and all wanted sumthin。 I thought Old Abe would go
crazy。 He hadn't more than had time to shake hands with 'em；
before another tremenjis crowd cum porein onto his premises。 His
house and dooryard was now perfeckly overflowed with orfice seekers；
all clameruss for a immejit interview with with Old Abe。 One man
from Ohio； who had about seven inches of corn whisky into him；
mistook me for Old Abe and addrest me as 〃The Pra…hayrie Flower of
the West！〃 Thinks I YOU want a offiss putty bad。 Another man with
a gold…heded cane and a red nose told Old Abe he was 〃a seckind
Washington & the Pride of the Boundliss West。〃
Sez I； 〃Square； you wouldn't take a small post…offiss if you could
git it； would you？〃
Sez he； 〃A patrit is abuv them things； sir！〃
〃There's a putty big crop of patrits this season； ain't there；
Squire？〃 sez I； when ANOTHER crowd of offiss seekers pored in。 The
house； dooryard； barng & woodshed was now all full； and when
ANOTHER crowd cum I told 'em not to go away for want of room as the
hog…pen was still empty。 One patrit from a small town in Michygan
went up on top the house； got into the chimney and slid into the
parler where Old Abe was endeverin to keep the hungry pack of
orfice…seekers from chawin him up alive without benefit of clergy。
The minit he reached the fireplace he jumpt up； brusht the