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sed I。
〃Ten cents a Breth；〃 was his reply。
Washinton hotels is very reasonable in their charges。 ＇N。B。This
is Sarkassum。＇
I sent up my keerd to the Prints； and was immejitly ushered before
him。 He received me kindly； and axed me to sit down。
〃I hav cum to pay my respecks to you； Mister Napoleon； hopin I see
you hale and harty。〃
〃I am quite well；〃 he sed。 〃Air you well； sir？〃
〃Sound as a cuss！〃 I answerd。
He seemed to be pleased with my ways； and we entered into
conversation to onct。
〃How's Lewis？〃 I axed； and he sed the Emperor was well。 Eugeny was
likewise well； he sed。 Then I axed him was Lewis a good provider？
did he cum home arly nites？ did he perfoom her bedroom at a
onseasonable hour with gin and tanzy？ Did he go to 〃the Lodge〃 on
nites when there wasn't any Lodge？ did he often hav to go down town
to meet a friend？ did he hav a extensiv acquaintance among poor
young widders whose husbands was in Californy？ to all of which
questions the Prints perlitely replide； givin me to understand that
the Emperor was behavin well。
〃I ax these question； my royal duke and most noble hiness and
imperials； becaws I'm anxious to know how he stands as a man。 I
know he's smart。 He is cunnin； he is long…heded； he is deephe is
grate。 But onless he is GOOD he'll come down with a crash one of
these days and the Bonyparts will be Bustid up agin。 Bet yer
life！〃
〃Air you a preacher； sir？〃 he inquired slitely sarkasticul。
〃No； sir。 But I bleeve in morality。 I likewise bleeve in Meetin
Houses。 Show me a place where there isn't any Meetin Houses and
where preachers is never seen； and I'll show you a place where old
hats air stuffed into broken winders； where the children air dirty
and ragged； where gates have no hinges； where the wimin are
slipshod； and where maps of the devil's 〃wild land〃 air painted
upon men's shirt bosums with tobacco…jooce！ That's what I'll show
you。 Let us consider what the preachers do for us before we aboose
'em。〃
He sed he didn't mean to aboose the clergy。 Not at all； and he was
happy to see that I was interested in the Bonypart family。
〃It's a grate family；〃 sed I。 〃But they scooped the old man in。〃
〃How； Sir？〃
〃Napoleon the Grand。 The Britishers scooped him at Waterloo。 He
wanted to do too much； and he did it！ They scooped him in at
Waterloo； and he subsekently died at St。 Heleny！ There's where the
gratest military man this world ever projuced pegged out。 It was
rather hard to consine such a man as him to St。 Heleny； to spend
his larst days in catchin mackeril； and walkin up and down the
dreary beach in a military cloak drawn titely round him； （see
picter…books）； but so it was。 'Hed of the Army！' Them was his
larst words。 So he had bin。 He was grate！ Don't I wish we had a
pair of his old boots to command sum of our Brigades！〃
This pleased Jerome； and he took me warmly by the hand。
〃Alexander the Grate was punkins；〃 I continnered； 〃but Napoleon was
punkinser！ Alic wept becaws there was no more worlds to scoop； and
then took to drinkin。 He drowndid his sorrers in the flowin bole；
and the flowin bole was too much for him。 It ginerally is。 He
undertook to give a snake exhibition in his boots； but it killed
him。 That was a bad joke on Alic！〃
〃Since you air so solicitous about France and the Emperor； may I
ask you how your own country is getting along？〃 sed Jerome； in a
pleasant voice。
〃It's mixed；〃 I sed。 But I think we shall cum out all right。〃
〃Columbus； when he diskivered this magnificent continent； could hav
had no idee of the grandeur it would one day assoom；〃 sed the
Prints。
〃It cost Columbus twenty thousand dollars to fit out his explorin
expedition；〃 sed I。 〃If he had bin a sensible man he'd hav put the
money in a hoss railroad or a gas company； and left this
magnificent continent to intelligent savages； who when they got
hold of a good thing knew enuff to keep it； and who wouldn't hav
seceded； nor rebelled； nor knockt Liberty in the hed with a
slungshot。 Columbus wasn't much of a feller； after all。 It would
hav bin money in my pocket if he'd staid at home。 Chris。 ment
well； but he put his foot in it when he saled for America。〃
We talked sum more about matters and things； and at larst I riz to
go。 〃I will now say good…bye to you； noble sir； and good luck to
you。 Likewise the same to Clotildy。 Also to the gorgeous persons
which compose your soot。 If the Emperor's boy don't like livin at
the Tooleries； when he gits older； and would like to imbark in the
show bizness； let him come with me and I'll make a man of him。 You
find us sumwhat mixed； as I before obsarved； but come again next
year and you'll find us clearer nor ever。 The American Eagle has
lived too sumptuously of latehis stummic becum foul； and he's
takin a slite emetic。 That's all。 We're getting ready to strike a
big blow and a sure one。 When we do strike； the fur will fly and
secession will be in the hands of the undertaker； sheeted for so
deep a grave that nothin short of Gabriel's trombone will ever
awaken it！ Mind what I say。 You've heard the showman！〃
Then advisin him to keep away from the Peter Funk sections of the
East； and the proprietors of corner…lots in the West； I bid him
farewell； and went away。
There was a levee at Senator What's…his…name's； and I thought I'd
jine in the festivities for a spell。 Who should I see but she that
was Sarah Watkins； now the wife of our Congresser； trippin in the
dance； dressed up to kill in her store close。 Sarah's father use
to keep a little grosery store in our town and she used to clerk it
for him in busy times。 I was rushin up to shake hands with her
when she turned on her heel； and tossin her hed in a contemptooious
manner； walked away from me very rapid。 〃Hallo； Sal；〃 I hollered；
〃can't you measure me a quart of them best melasses？ I may want a
codfish； also！〃 I guess this reminded her of the little red store；
and 〃the days of her happy childhood。〃
But I fell in love with a nice little gal after that； who was much
sweeter then Sally's father's melasses； and I axed her if we
shouldn't glide in the messy dance。 She sed we should； and we
Glode。
I intended to make this letter very seris； but a few goaks may have
accidentally crept in。 Never mind。 Besides； I think it improves a
komick paper to publish a goak once in a while。
Yours Muchly；
Ward； （Artemus。）
1。33。 AGRICULTURE。
The Barclay County Agricultural Society having seriously invited
the author of this volume to address them on the occasion of their
next annual Fair； he wrote the President of that Society as
follows：
New York。 June 12； 1865；
Dear Sir：
I have the honor to acknowledge the receipt of your letter of the
5th inst。； in which you invite me to deliver an address before your
excellent agricultural society。
I feel flattered； and think I will come。
Perhaps； meanwhile； a brief history of my experience as an
agriculturist will be acceptable； and as that history no doubt
contains suggestions of valu