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I am preparin for the Summer Campane。 I shall stay in Cleveland a
few days and probly you will hear from me again ear I leave to once
more becum a tosser on life's tempestuous billers； meanin the Show
Bizniss。Very Respectively Yours；
Artemus Ward。
1。26。 LITTLE PATTI。
The moosic which Ime most use to is the inspirin stranes of the
hand orgin。 I hire a artistic Italyun to grind fur me； payin him
his vittles & close； & I spose it was them stranes which fust put a
moosical taste into me。 Like all furriners； he had seen better
dase； havin formerly been a Kount。 But he aint of much akount now；
except to turn the orgin and drink Beer； of which bevrige he can
hold a churnful； EASY。
Miss Patty is small for her size； but as the man sed abowt his
wife； O Lord！ She is well bilt & her complexion is what might be
called a Broonetty。 Her ize is a dark bay； the lashes bein long &
silky。 When she smiles the awjince feels like axing her to doo it
sum moor； & to continner doin it 2 a indefnit extent。 Her waste is
one of the most bootiful wastisis ever seen。 When Mister
Strackhorse led her out I thawt sum pretty skool gal； who had jest
graduatid frum pantalets & wire hoops； was a cumin out to read her
fust composishun in public。 She cum so bashful like； with her hed
bowd down； & made sich a effort to arrange her lips so thayd look
pretty； that I wanted to swaller her。 She reminded me of Susan
Skinner； who'd never kiss the boys at parin bees till the candles
was blow'd out。 Miss Patty sung suthin or ruther in a furrin tung。
I don't know what the sentimunts was。 Fur awt I know she may hav
bin denouncin my wax figgers & sagashus wild beests of Pray； & I
don't much keer ef she did。 When she opened her mowth a army of
martingales； bobolinks； kanarys； swallers； mockin birds； etsettery；
bust 4th& flew all over the Haul。
Go it； little 1； sez I to myself； in a hily exsited frame of mind；
& ef that kount or royal duke which you'll be pretty apt to marry 1
of these dase don't do the fair thing by ye； yu kin always hav a
home on A。 Ward's farm； near Baldinsville； Injianny。 When she sung
Cumin threw the Rye； and spoke of that Swayne she deerly luvd
herself individooully； I didn't wish I was that air Swayne。 No I
gess not。 Oh certainly not。 ＇This is Ironical。 I don't meen
this。 It's a way I hav of goakin。＇ Now that Maria Picklehominy
has got married & left the perfeshun； Adeliny Patty is the
championess of the opery ring。 She karries the Belt。 Thar's no
draw fite about it。 Other primy donnys may as well throw up the
spunge first as last。 My eyes don't deceive my earsite in this
matter。
But Miss Patty orter sing in the Inglish tung。 As she kin do so as
well as she kin in Italyun； why under the Son don't she do it？
What cents is thare in singin wurds nobody don't understan when
wurds we do understan is jest as handy？ Why peple will
versifferusly applawd furrin langwidge is a mistery。 It reminds me
of a man I onct knew。 He sed he knockt the bottum out of his pork
Barril； & the pork fell out； but the Brine dident moove a inch。 It
stade in the Barril。 He sed this was a Mistery； but it wasn't
misterior than is this thing I'm speekin of。
As fur Brignoly； Ferri and Junky； they air dowtless grate； but I
think sich able boddied men wood look better tillin the sile than
dressin theirselves up in black close & white kid gluvs & shoutin
in a furrin tung。 Mister Junky is a noble lookin old man； & orter
lead armies on to Battel instid of shoutin in a furrin tung。
Adoo。 In the langwidge of Lewis Napoleon when receivin kumpany at
his pallis on the Bullyvards； 〃I saloot yu。〃
1。27。 OSSAWATOMIE BROWN。
I don't pertend to be a cricket & consekently the reader will not
regard this 'ere peace as a Cricketcism。 I cimply desine givin the
pints & Plot of a play I saw actid out at the theatre t'other nite；
called Ossywattermy Brown or the Hero of Harper's Ferry。
Ossywattermy had varis failins； one of which was a idee that he
cood conker Virginny with a few duzzen loonatics which he had pickt
up sumwhares； mercy only nose wher。 He didn't cum it； as the sekel
showed。 This play was jerkt by a admirer of Old Ossywattermy。
First akt opens at North Elby； Old Brown's humsted。 Thare's a
weddin at the house。 Amely； Old Brown's darter； marrys sumbody；
and thay all whirl in the Messy darnce。 Then Ossywattermy and his
3 sons leave fur Kansis。 Old Mrs。 Ossywattermy tells 'em thay air
goin on a long jurny & Blesses 'em to slow fiddlin。 Thay go to
Kansis。 What upon arth thay go to Kansis fur when thay was so nice
& comfortable down there to North Elby； is more'n I know。 The suns
air next seen in Kansis at a tarvern。 Mister Blane； a sinister
lookin man with his Belt full of knives & hoss pistils； axes one of
the Browns to take a drink。 Brown refuzis； which is the fust
instance on record whar a Brown deklined sich a invite。 Mister
Blane； who is a dark bearded feroshus lookin person； then axis him
whether he's fur or fernenst Slavery。 Yung Brown sez he's agin it；
whareupon； Mister Blane； who is the most sinisterest lookin man I
ever saw； sez Har； har； har！ （that bein his stile of larfin wildly）
& ups and sticks a knife into yung Brown。 Anuther Brown rushes up
& sez； 〃you has killed me Ber…ruther！〃 Moosic by the Band & Seen
changes。 The stuck yung Brown enters supported by his two
brothers。 Bimeby he falls down； sez he sees his Mother； & dies。
Moosic by the Band。 I lookt but couldn't see any mother。 Next Seen
reveels Old Brown's cabin。 He's readin a book。 He sez freedum must
extend its Area & rubs his hands like he was pleesed abowt it。 His
suns come in。 One of 'em goes out & cums in ded； havin bin shot
while out by a Border Ruffin。 The ded yung Brown sez he sees his
mother and tumbles down。 The Border Ruffins then surround the
cabin & set it a fire。 The Browns giv theirselves up for gone
coons； when the hired gal diskivers a trap door to the cabin & thay
go down threw it & cum up threw the bulkhed。 Their merraklis
'scape reminds me of the 'scape of De Jones； the Coarsehair of the
Gulfa tail with a yaller kiver； that I onct red。 For sixteen
years he was confined in a loathsum dunjin； not tastin food durin
all that time。 When a lucky thawt struck him！ He opend the winder
and got out。 To resoomOld Brown rushes down to the footlites；
gits down on his nees & swares he'll hav revenge。 The battle of
Ossawatermy takes place。 Old Brown kills Mister Blane； the
sinister individooal aforesed。 Mister Blane makes a able &
elerquent speech； sez he don't see his mother MUCH； and dies like
the son of a gentleman； rapt up in the Star Spangled banner。
Moosic by the Band。 Four or five other Border ruffins air killed；
but thay don't say nothin abowt seein their mothers。 From Kansis
to Harper's Ferry。 Picter of a Arsenal is represented。 Sojers cum
& fire at it。 Old Brown cums out & permits hisself to be shot。 He
is tride by two soops in milingtery close and sentenced to be hung
on the gallus。 TablooOld Brown on a platform； pintin upards； the
staige lited up with red fire。 Goddis of Liberty also on platform；
pintin upar