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Queen orf one of these dase； sure's yer born。〃
The time hevin arove fur me to take my departer I rose up &
sed： 〃Albert Edard； I must go； but previs to doin so I will
obsarve that you soot me。 Yure a good feller； Albert Edard； &
tho I'm agin Princes as a gineral thing； I must say I like the
cut of your Gib。 When you git to be King try and be as good a
man as yure muther has bin！ Be just & be Jenerus； espeshully
to showmen； who hav allers bin aboozed sins the dase of Noah；
who was the fust man to go into the Menagery bizniss； & ef the
daily papers of his time air to be beleeved Noah's colleckshun
of livin wild beests beet ennything ever seen sins； tho I make
bold to dowt ef his snaiks was ahead of mine。 Albert Edard；
adoo！〃 I tuk his hand which he shook warmly； & givin him a
perpetooal free pars to my show； & also parses to take hum for
the Queen & old Albert； I put on my hat and walkt away。
〃Mrs。 Ward；〃 I solilerquized； as I walkt along； 〃Mrs。 Ward； ef
you could see your husband now； just as he prowdly emerjis from
the presunts of the futur King of Ingland； you'd be sorry you
called him a Beest jest becaws he cum home tired 1 nite and
wantid to go to bed without takin orf his boots。 You'd be
sorry for tryin to deprive yure husband of the priceliss Boon
of liberty； Betsy Jane！〃
Jest then I met a long perseshun of men with gownds onto 'em。
The leader was on horseback； & ridin up to me he sed； 〃Air you
Orange？〃
Sez I； 〃Which？〃
〃Air you a Orangeman？〃 he repeated； sternly。
〃I used to peddle lemins；〃 sed I； 〃but I never delt in oranges。
They are apt to spile on yure hands。 What particler Loonatic
Asylum hev you & yure frends escaped frum； ef I may be so
bold？〃 Just then a suddent thawt struck me & I sed； 〃Oh yure
the fellers who air worryin the Prince so & givin the Juke of
Noocastle cold sweats at nite； by yure infernal catawalins； air
you？ Wall； take the advice of a Amerykin sitterzen； take orf
them gownds & don't try to get up a religious fite； which is 40
times wuss nor a prize fite； over Albert Edard； who wants to
receive you all on a ekal footin； not keerin a tinker's cuss
what meetin house you sleep in Sundays。 Go home & mind yure
bisness & not make noosenses of yourselves。〃 With which
observashuns I left 'em。
I shall leeve British sile 4thwith。
1。25。 PICCOLOMINI。
Gents；I arroved in Cleveland on Saturday P。M。 from
Baldinsville jest in time to fix myself up and put on a clean
biled rag to attend Miss Picklehomony's grate musical sorry at
the Melodeon。 The krowds which pored into the hall augured
well for the show bizniss； & with cheerful sperrets I jined the
enthoosiastic throng。 I asked Mr。 Strakhosh at the door if he
parst the perfession； and he sed not much he didn't； whereupon
I bawt a preserved seat in the pit； & obsarving to Mr。
Strakhosh that he needn't put on so many French airs becawz he
run with a big show； and that he'd better let his weskut out a
few inches or perhaps he'd bust hisself some fine day； I went
in and squatted down。 It was a sad thawt to think that in all
that vast aujience Scacely a Sole had the honor of my
acquaintance。 〃& this ere；〃 sed I Bitturly； 〃is Fame！ What
sigerfy my wax figgers and livin wild beasts （which have no
ekels） to these peple？ What do thay care becawz a site of my
Kangeroo is worth dubble the price of admission； and that my
Snaiks is as harmlis as the new born babeall of which is
strictly troo？〃 I should have gone on ralein at Fortin and
things sum more； but jest then Signer Maccarony cum out and
sung a hairey from some opry or other。 He had on his store
close & looked putty slick； I must say。 Nobody didn't
understand nothin abowt what he sed； and so they applawdid him
versiferusly。 Then Signer Brignoly cum out and sung another
hairey。 He appeared to be in a Pensiv Mood & sung a Luv song I
suppose； tho he may have been cussin the aujince all into a
heep for aut I knewd。 Then cum Mr。 Maccarony agin and Miss
Picklehomony herself。 Thay sang a Doit together。
Now you know； gents； that I don't admire opry music。 But I
like Miss Picklehomony's stile。 I like her gate。 She suits
me。 There has bin grater singers and there has bin more
bootiful wimin； but no more fassinatin young female ever longed
for a new gown； or side to place her hed agin a vest pattern
than Maria Picklehomony。 Fassinatin peple is her best holt。
She was born to make hash of men's buzzums & other wimin mad
becawz thay ain't Picklehomonies。 Her face sparkles with
amuzin cussedness & about 200 （two hundred） little bit of funny
devils air continually dancing champion jigs in her eyes； sed
eyes bein brite enuff to lite a pipe by。 How I shood like to
have little Maria out on my farm in Baldinsville； Injianny； whare
she cood run in the tall grass； wrastle with the boys； cut up
strong at parin bees； make up faces behind the minister's back；
tie auction bills to the skoolmaster's coat…tales； set all the
fellers crazy after her； & holler & kick up； & go it just as
much as she wanted to！ But I diegress。 Every time she cum
canterin out I grew more and more delighted with her。 When she
bowed her hed I bowed mine。 When she powtid her lips I powtid
mine。 When she larfed I larfed。 When she jerked her hed back
and took a larfin survey of the aujience； sendin a broadside of
sassy smiles in among em； I tried to unjint myself & kollapse。
When； in tellin how she drempt she lived in Marble Halls； she
sed it tickled her more than all the rest to dream she loved
her feller still the same； I made a effort to swaller myself；
but when； in the next song； she look strate at me & called me
her Dear； I wildly told the man next to me he mite hav my close；
as I shood never want 'em again no more in this world。 ＇The
〃Plain Dealer〃 （The Cleveland 〃Plain Dealer；〃 a well…known
Ohio newspaper； to which Mr。 Artemus Ward wishes us to
understand he contributed。） containin this communicashun is
not to be sent to my famerly in Baldinsville under no
circumstances whatsomever。＇
In conclushun； Maria； I want you to do well。 I know you air a
nice gal at hart & you must get a good husband。 He must be a man
of branes and gumpshun & a good providera man who will luv you
strong and longa man who will luv you jest as much in your old
age； when your voice is cracked like an old tea kittle & you can't
get 1 of your notes discounted at 50 per sent a month； as he will
now； when you are young & charmin & full of music； sunshine & fun。
Don't marry a snob； Maria。 You ain't a Angel； Maria； & I am glad
of it。 When I see angels in pettycoats I'm always sorry they
hain't got wings so they kin quietly fly off whare thay will be
appreshiated。 You air a woman； & a mity good one too。 As for
Maccarony； Brignoly； Mullenholler； and them other fellers； they can
take care of theirselves。 Old Mac。 kin make a comfortable livin
choppin cord wood if his voice ever givs out； and Amodio looks as
tho he mite succeed in conductin sum quiet toll gate； whare the
vittles would be plenty & the labor lite。
I am preparin for the Summer Campane。 I shall stay in Cleveland a
few days and probly you will hear from me again