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staige lited up with red fire。 Goddis of Liberty also on platform；
pintin upards。 A dutchman in the orkestry warbles on a base drum。
Curtin falls。 Moosic by the Band。
1。28。 JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD。
Dear Sirs：
I take my pen in hand to inform you that I am in a state of great
bliss； and trust these lines will find you injoyin the same
blessins。 I'm reguvinated。 I've found the immortal waters of
yooth； so to speak； and am as limber and frisky as a two…year…old
steer； and in the futur them boys which sez to me 〃go up； old Bawld
hed；〃 will do so at the peril of their hazard； individooally。 I'm
very happy。 My house is full of joy； and I have to git up nights
and larf！ Sumtimes I ax myself 〃is it not a dream？〃 & suthin
withinto me sez 〃it air；〃 but when I look at them sweet little
critters and hear 'em squawk； I know it is a reality2 realitys； I
may sayand I feel gay。
I returnd from the Summer Campane with my unparaleld show of wax
works and livin wild Beests of Pray in the early part of this
munth。 The peple of Baldinsville met me cordully and I immejitly
commenst restin myself with my famerly。 The other nite while I was
down to the tavurn tostin my shins agin the bar room fire & amuzin
the krowd with sum of my adventurs； who shood cum in bare heded &
terrible excited but Bill Stokes； who sez； sez he； 〃Old Ward；
there's grate doins up to your house。〃
Sez I 〃William； how so？〃
Sez he； 〃Bust my gizzud but it's grate doins；〃 & then he larfed as
if he'd kill hisself。
Sez I； risin and puttin on a austeer look； 〃William； I woodunt be a
fool if I had common cents。〃
But he kept on larfin till he was black in the face； when he fell
over on to the bunk where the hostler sleeps； and in a still small
voice sed； 〃Twins！〃 I ashure you gents that the grass didn't grow
under my feet on my way home； & I was follered by a enthoosiastic
throng of my feller sitterzens； who hurrard for Old Ward at the top
of their voises。 I found the house chock full of peple。 Thare was
Mis Square Baxter and her three grown…up darters； lawyer Perkinses
wife； Taberthy Ripley； young Eben Parsuns； Deakun Simmuns folks；
the Skoolmaster； Doctor Jordin； etsetterry； etsetterry。 Mis Ward
was in the west room； which jines the kitchen。 Mis Square Baxter
was mixin suthin in a dipper before the kitchin fire； & a small
army of female wimin were rushin wildly round the house with
bottles of camfire； peaces of flannil； &c。 I never seed such a
hubbub in my natral born dase。 I cood not stay in the west room
only a minit； so strung up was my feelins； so I rusht out and
ceased my dubbel barrild gun。
〃What upon airth ales the man？〃 sez Taberthy Ripley。 〃Sakes alive；
what air you doin？〃 & she grabd me by the coat tales。 〃What's the
matter with you？〃 she continnerd。
〃Twins； marm；〃 sez I； 〃twins！〃
〃I know it；〃 sez she； coverin her pretty face with her apun。
〃Wall；〃 sez I； 〃that's what's the matter with me！〃
〃Wall； put down that air gun； you pesky old fool；〃 sed she。
〃No； marm；〃 sez I； 〃this is a Nashunal day。 The glory of this here
day isn't confined to Baldinsville by a darn site。 On yonder
woodshed；〃 sed I； drawin myself up to my full hite and speakin in a
show…actin voice； 〃will I fire a Nashunal saloot！〃 sayin whitch I
tared myself from her grasp and rusht to the top of the shed whare
I blazed away until Square Baxter's hired man and my son Artemus
Juneyer cum and took me down by mane force。
On returnin to the Kitchin I found quite a lot of peple seated be4
the fire； a talkin the event over。 They made room for me & I sot
down。 〃Quite a eppisode；〃 sed Docter Jordin； litin his pipe with a
red…hot coal。
〃Yes；〃 sed I； 〃2 eppisodes； waying abowt 18 pounds jintly。〃
〃A perfeck coop de tat；〃 sed the skoolmaster。
〃E pluribus unum； in proprietor persony；〃 sed I； thinking I'd let
him know I understood furrin langwidges as well as he did； if I
wasn't a skoolmaster。
〃It is indeed a momentious event；〃 sed young Eben Parsuns； who has
been 2 quarters to the Akademy。
〃I never heard twins called by that name afore；〃 sed I； 〃But I
spose it's all rite。〃
〃We shall soon have Wards enuff；〃 sed the editer of the
Baldinsville 〃Bugle of Liberty；〃 who was lookin over a bundle of
exchange papers in the corner； 〃to apply to the legislater for a
City Charter！〃
〃Good for you； old man！〃 sed I； 〃giv that air a conspickius place
in the next 〃Bugle。〃
〃How redicklus；〃 sed pretty Susan Fletcher； coverin her face with
her knittin work & larfin like all possest。
〃Wall； for my part；〃 sed Jane Maria Peasly； who is the crossest old
made in the world； 〃I think you all act like a pack of fools。〃
Sez I； 〃Miss Peasly； air you a parent？〃
Sez she； 〃No； I ain't。〃
Sez I； 〃Miss Peasly； you never will be。〃
She left。
We sot there talkin & larfin until 〃the switchin hour of nite； when
grave yards yawn & Josts troop 4th；〃 as old Bill Shakespire aptlee
obsarves in his dramy of John Sheppard； esq； or the Moral House
Breaker； when we broke up & disbursed。
Muther & children is a doin well & as Resolushuns is the order of
the day I will feel obleeged if you'll insurt the follerin
Whereas； two Eppisodes has happined up to the undersined's house；
which is Twins； & Whereas I like this stile； sade twins bein of the
male perswashun & both boys； there4 Be it
RESOLVED； That to them nabers who did the fare thing by sade
Eppisodes my hart felt thanks is doo。
RESOLVED； That I do most hartily thank Engine Ko。 No。 17； who；
under the impreshun from the fuss at my house on that auspishus
nite that thare was a konflagration goin on； kum galyiantly to the
spot； but kindly refraned from squirtin。
RESOLVED； That frum the Bottum of my Sole do I thank the
Baldinsville brass band fur givin up the idea of Sarahnadin me；
both on that great nite & sinse。
RESOLVED； That my thanks is doo several members of the Baldinsville
meetin house who for 3 whole dase hain't kalled me a sinful skoffer
or intreeted me to mend my wicked wase and jine sade meetin house
to onct。
RESOLVED； That my Boozum teams with meny kind emoshuns towards the
follerin individoouls； to whit nameleeMis。 Square Baxter； who
Jenerusly refoozed to take a sent for a bottle of camfire； lawyer
Perkinses wife who rit sum versis on the Eppisodes； the Editer of
the Baldinsville 〃Bugle of Liberty；〃 who nobly assisted me in
wollupin my Kangeroo； which sagashus little cuss seriusly disturbed
the Eppisodes by his outrajus screetchins & kickins up； Mis。 Hirum
Doolittle； who kindly furnisht sum cold vittles at a tryin time；
when it wasunt konvenient to cook vittles at my hous； & the
Peasleys； Parsunses & Watsunses fur there meny ax of kindness。
Trooly yures；
Artemus Ward。
1。29。 BOSTON。 （A。 WARD TO HIS WIFE。）
Dear Betsy： I write you this from Boston； 〃the Modern Atkins；〃 as
it is denomyunated； altho' I skurcely know what those air。 I'll
giv you a kursoory view of this city。 I'll klassify the paragrafs
under seprit headins； arter the stile of those Emblems of Trooth
and Poority； the Washinton correspongdents！
COPP'S HIL