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to remark； wa them well。 The female woman is one of the
greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste。 Its
onpossible to get along without her。 Had there bin no female
wimin in the world； I should scarcely be here with my
unparalleld show on this very occashun。 She is good in
sicknessgood in wellnessgood all the time。 O woman；
woman！〃 I cried； my feelins worked up to a hi poetick pitch；
〃you air a angle when you behave yourself； but when you take
off your proper appairel & （mettyforically speaken）get into
pantyloonswhen you desert your firesides； & with your heds
full of wimin's rites noshuns go round like roarin lions；
seekin whom you may devour someboddyin short； when you
undertake to play the man； you play the devil and air an
emfatic noosance。 My female friends；〃 I continnered； as they
were indignantly departin； 〃wa well what A。 Ward has sed！〃
1。23。 WOULD…BE SEA DOGS。
Sum of the captings on the Upper Ohio River put on a heep of
airs。 To hear 'em git orf saler lingo you'd spose they'd bin
on the briny Deep for a lifetime； when the fact is they haint
tasted salt water since they was infants； when they had to take
it for WORMS。 Still they air good natered fellers； and when
they drink they take a dose big enuff for a grown person。
1。24。 THE PRINCE OF WALES。
To my friends of the Editorial Corpse：
I rite these lines on British sile。 I've bin follerin Mrs。
Victory's hopeful sun Albert Edward threw Kanady with my
onparaleled Show； and tho I haint made much in a pecoonary pint
of vew； I've lernt sumthin new； over hear on British Sile；
whare they bleeve in Saint George and the Dragoon。 Previs to
cumin over hear I tawt my organist how to grind Rule Brittany
and other airs which is poplar on British Sile。 I likewise
fixt a wax figger up to represent Sir Edmun Hed the Govner
Ginral。 The statoot I fixt up is the most versytile wax
statoot I ever saw。 I've showd it as Wm。 Penn； Napoleon
Bonypart； Juke of Wellington； the Beneker Boy； Mrs。 Cunningham
& varis other notid persons； and also for a sertin pirut named
Hix。 I've bin so long amung wax statoots that I can fix 'em up
to soot the tastes of folks； & with sum paints I hav I kin giv
their facis a beneverlent or fiendish look as the kase
requires。 I giv Sir Edmun Hed a beneverlent look； & when sum
folks who thawt they was smart sed it didn't look like Sir
Edmun Hed anymore than it did anybody else； I sed； 〃That's the
pint。 That's the beauty of the Statoot。 It looks like Sir
Edmun Hed or any other man。 You may kall it what you pleese。
Ef it don't look like anybody that ever lived； then it's
sertinly a remarkable Statoot & well worth seein。 _I_ kall it
Sir Edmun Hed。 YOU may kall it what you pleese！〃 ＇I had 'em
thare。＇
At larst I've had a interview with the Prince； tho it putty
nigh cost me my vallerble life。 I cawt a glimpse of him as he
sot on the Pizarro of the hotel in Sarnia； & elbowd myself
threw a crowd of wimin； children； sojers & Injins that was
hangin round the tavern。 I was drawin near to the Prince when
a red…faced man in Millingtery close grabd holt of me and axed
me whare I was goin all so bold？
〃To see Albert Edard the Prince of Wales；〃 sez I； 〃who are
you？〃
He sed he was Kurnel of the Seventy Fust Regiment； Her
Magisty's troops。 I told him I hoped the Seventy Onesters was
in good helth； and was passin by when he ceased hold of me
agin； and sed in a tone of indigent cirprise：
〃What？ Impossible！ It kannot be！ Blarst my hize； sir； did I
understan you to say that you was actooally goin into the
presents of his Royal Iniss？〃
〃That's what's the matter with me；〃 I replide。
〃But blarst my hize； sir； its onprecedented。 It's orful； sir。
Nothin' like it hain't happened sins the Gun Powder Plot of Guy
Forks。 Owdashus man； who air you？〃
〃Sir；〃 sez I； drawin myself up & puttin on a defiant air； 〃I'm
a Amerycan sitterzen。 My name is Ward。 I'm a husband & the
father of twins； which I'm happy to state thay look like me。
By perfeshun I'm a exhibiter of wax works & sich。〃
〃Good God！〃 yelled the Kurnal； 〃the idee of a exhibiter of wax
figgers goin into the presents of Royalty！ The British Lion
may well roar with raje at the thawt！〃
Sez I； 〃Speakin of the British Lion； Kurnal； I'd like to make a
bargin with you fur that beast fur a few weeks to add to my
Show。〃 I didn't meen nothin by this。 I was only gettin orf a
goak； but you roter hev seen the Old Kurnal jump up & howl。 He
actooally fomed at the mowth。
〃This can't be real；〃 he showtid。 〃No； no。 It's a horrid
dream。 Sir； you air not a human beinyou hav no existents
yure a Myth！〃
〃Wall；〃 sez I； 〃old hoss； yule find me a ruther onkomfortable
Myth ef you punch my inards in that way agin。〃 I began to git
a little riled； fur when he called me a Myth he puncht me putty
hard。 The Kurnal now commenst showtin fur the Seventy Onesters。
I at fust thawt I'd stay & becum a Marter to British Outraje；
as sich a course mite git my name up & be a good advertisement
fur my Show； but it occurred to me that ef enny of the Seventy
Onesters shood happen to insert a barronet into my stummick it
mite be onplesunt； & I was on the pint of runnin orf when the
Prince hisself kum up & axed me what the matter was。 Sez I；
〃Albert Edard； is that you？〃 & he smilt & sed it was。 Sez I；
〃Albert Edard； hears my keerd。 I cum to pay my respecks to
the futer King of Ingland。 The Kurnal of the Seventy Onesters
hear is ruther smawl pertaters； but of course you ain't to blame
fur that。 He puts on as many airs as tho he was the Bully Boy
with the glass eye。〃
〃Never mind；〃 sez Albert Edard； 〃I'm glad to see you； Mister
Ward； at all events；〃 & he tuk my hand so plesunt like & larfed
so sweet that I fell in love with him to onct。 He handid me a
segar & we sot down on the Pizarro & commenst smokin rite
cheerful。 〃Wall；〃 sez I； 〃Albert Edard； how's the old folks？〃
〃Her Majesty & the Prince are well；〃 he sed。
〃Duz the old man take his Lager beer reglar？〃 I inquired。
The Prince larfed & intermatid that the old man didn't let many
kegs of that bevridge spile in the sellar in the coarse of a
year。 We sot & tawked there sum time abowt matters & things； &
bimeby I axed him how he liked bein Prince as fur as he'd got。
〃To speak plain； Mister Ward；〃 he sed； 〃I don't much like it。
I'm sick of all this bowin & scrapin & crawlin & hurrain over a
boy like me。 I would rather go through the country quietly &
enjoy myself in my own way； with the other boys； & not be made
a Show of to be garped at by everybody。 When the PEPLE cheer me
I feel pleesed； fur I know they meen it； but if these one…horse
offishuls cood know how I see threw all their moves & understan
exackly what they air after； & knowd how I larft at 'em in
private； thayd stop kissin my hands & fawnin over me as thay now
do。 But you know； Mr。 Ward； I can't help bein a Prince； & I
must do all I kin to fit myself fur the persishun I must sumtime
ockepy。〃
〃That's troo；〃 sez I； 〃sickness and the docters will carry the
Queen orf one of these dase； sure's yer born。〃
The time hevin arove fur me to take my departer I rose up &