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extent； Sir？〃 I axed。
〃Sir；〃 sed he； turnin as red as a biled beet； 〃don't you know
that the rules of our Church is that I； the Profit； may hev as
meny wives as I wants？〃
〃Jes so；〃 I sed。 〃You are old pie； ain't you？〃
〃Them as is Sealed to methat is to say； to be mine when I
wants umair at present my sperretooul wives；〃 sed Mister
Yung。
〃Long may thay wave！〃 sez I； seein I shood git into a scrape ef
I didn't look out。
In a privit conversashun with Brigham I learnt the follerin
fax： It takes him six weeks to kiss his wives。 He don't do it
only onct a yere & sez it is wuss nor cleanin house。 He don't
pretend to know his children； thare is so many of um； tho they
all know him。 He sez about every child he meats call him Par；
& he takes it for grantid it is so。 His wives air very
expensiv。 Thay allers want suthin & ef he don't buy it for um
thay set the house in a uproar。 He sez he don't have a minit's
peace。 His wives fite amung their selves so much that he has
bilt a fitin room for thare speshul benefit； & when too of 'em
get into a row he has em turnd loose into that place； whare the
dispoot is settled accordin to the rules of the London prize
ring。 Sum times thay abooz hisself individooally。 Thay hev
pulled the most of his hair out at the roots & he wares meny a
horrible scar upon his body； inflicted with mop…handles；
broom…sticks； and sich。 Occashunly they git mad & scald him
with bilin hot water。 When he got eny waze cranky thay'd shut
him up in a dark closit； previsly whippin him arter the stile
of muthers when thare orfsprings git onruly。 Sumptimes when he
went in swimmin thay'd go to the banks of the Lake & steal all
his close； thereby compellin him to sneek home by a sircootius
rowt； drest in the Skanderlus stile of the Greek Slaiv。 〃I
find that the keers of a marrid life way hevy onto me；〃 sed the
Profit； 〃& sumtimes I wish I'd remaned singel。〃 I left the
Profit and startid for the tavern whare I put up to。 On my way
I was overtuk by a lurge krowd of Mormons； which they
surroundid me & statid that they were goin into the Show free。
〃Wall；〃 sez I； 〃ef I find a individooal who is goin round
lettin folks into his show free； I'll let you know。〃
〃We've had a Revelashun biddin us go into A。 Wards's Show
without payin nothin！〃 thay showtid。
〃Yes；〃 hollered a lot of femaile Mormonesses； ceasin me by the
cote tales & swingin me round very rapid； 〃we're all goin in
free！ So sez the Revelashun！〃
〃What's Old Revelashun got to do with my show？〃 sez I； gittin
putty rily。 〃Tell Mister Revelashun；〃 sed I； drawin myself up
to my full hite and lookin round upon the ornery krowd with a
prowd & defiant mean； 〃tell Mister Revelashun to mind his own
bizness； subject only to the Konstitushun of the United
States！〃
〃Oh now let us in； that's a sweet man；〃 sed several femails；
puttin thare arms round me in luvin style。 〃Become 1 of us。
Becum a Preest & hav wives Sealed to you。〃
〃Not a Seal！〃 sez I； startin back in horror at the idee。
〃Oh stay； Sir； stay；〃 sed a tell； gawnt femaile； ore whoos hed
37 summirs must hev parsd； 〃stay； & I'll be your Jentle
Gazelle。〃
〃Not ef I know it； you won't；〃 sez I。 〃Awa you skanderlus
femaile； awa！ Go & be a Nunnery！〃 THAT'S WHAT I SED； JES SO。
〃& I；〃 sed a fat chunky femaile； who must hev wade more than
too hundred lbs； 〃I will be your sweet gidin Star！〃
Sez I； 〃Ile bet two dollers and a half you won't！〃 Whare ear I
may Rome Ile still be troo 2 thee； Oh Betsy Jane！ ＇N。B。 Betsy
Jane is my wife's Sir naime。＇
〃Wiltist thou not tarry here in the promist Land？〃 sed several
of the miserabil critters。
〃Ile see you all essenshally cussed be4 I wiltist！〃 roared I；
as mad as I cood be at thare infernul noncents。 I girdid up my
Lions & fled the Seen。 I packt up my duds & Left Salt Lake；
which is a 2nd Soddum & Germorrer； inhabitid by as theavin &
onprincipled a set of retchis as ever drew Breth in eny spot on
the Globe。
1。16。 SCANDALOUS DOINGS AT PITTSBURG。
Hear in the Buzzum of my famerly I am enjoyin myself； at peas
with awl mankind and the wimin folks likewise。 I go down to
the villige ockashunly and take a little old Rye fur the
stummuck's sake； but I avoyd spiritus lickers as a ginral
thing。 No man evir seen me intossikated but onct； and that air
happind in Pittsburg。 A parsel of ornery cusses in that luvly
sity bustid inter the hawl durin the nite and aboosed my wax
works shaimful。 I didn't obsarve the outrajus transacshuns
ontil the next evening when the peple begun for to kongregate。
Suddinly they kommensed fur to larf and holler in a boysterious
stile。 Sez I good peple what's up？ Sez thay them's grate wax
wurks； isn't they； old man。 I immejitly looked up ter whare
the wax works was； and my blud biles as I think of the site
which then met my Gase。 I hope two be dodrabbertid （Dod…rabit
is an American euphemism for a profane expression which is
quite as common in this country as on the other side of the
Atlantic。） if them afoursed raskals hadent gone and put a old
kaved in hat onter George Washington's hed and shuved a short
black klay pipe inter his mouth。 His noze thay had painted red
and his trowsis legs thay had shuved inside his butes。 My wax
figger of Napoleon Boneypart was likewise mawltreatid。 His
sword wus danglin tween his legs； and his cockd hat was drawn
klean down over his ize； and he was plased in a stoopin
posishun lookin zactly as tho he was as drunk as a biled owl。
Ginral Taylor was a standin on his hed and Wingfield Skott's
koat tales ware pind over his hed and his trowsis ware
kompleetly torn orf frum hisself。 My wax works representin the
Lord's Last Supper was likewise aboozed。 Three of the Postles
ware under the table and two of um had on old tarpawlin hats
and raggid pee jackits and ware smokin pipes。 Judus Iskarriot
had on a cocked hat and was appeerently drinkin； as a Bottle of
whisky sot befour him。 This ere specktercal was too much fur
me。 I klosed the show and then drowndid my sorrers in the
flowin Bole。
1。17。 THE CENSUS。
The Sences taker in our town bein taken sick； he deppertised me
to go out for him one day； and as he was too ill to giv me
informashun how to perceed； I was consekently compelled to go
it blind。 Sittin down by the road side； I drawd up the
follerin list of questions； which I proposed to ax the peple I
visited：
Wat's your age？
Whar was you born？
Air you marrid； and if so how do you like it？
How many children hav you； and do they resemble you or your
naber？
Did you ever hav the measels； and if so how many？
Hav you a twin brother several years older than yourself？
How many parents hav you？
Do you read Watt's Hims regler？
Do you use boughten tobacker？
（I。e。； that which has been bought。 A very common word in the
interior of New England and New York。 It is applied to
articles purchased from the shops； to distinguish them from
articles of home manufacture。 Many farmers make their own
sugar from the maple…tree； and their coffee from barley or rye。
West India sugar or coffee is then called 〃boughten sugar；〃 &c。
〃This is a home…m