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spirit rappers and high presher reformers on gineral
principles。 If I can improve these 'ere misgided peple by
showin them my onparalleld show at the usual low price of
admitants； methunk； I shell not hav lived in vane。 But
bitterly did I cuss the day I ever sot foot in the retchid
place。 I sot up my tent in a field near the Love Cure； as they
called it； and bimeby the free lovers begun for to congregate
around the door。 A onreer set I have never sawn。 The men's
faces was all covered with hare and they lookt half…starved to
deth。 They didn't wear no weskuts for the purpose （as they
sed） of allowin the free air of hevun to blow onto their
boozums。 Their pockets was filled with tracks and pamplits and
they was bare…footed。 They sed the Postles didn't wear boots；
& why should they？ That was their stile of argyment。 The
wimin was wuss than the men。 They wore trowsis； short gownds；
straw hats with green ribbins； and all carried bloo cotton
umbrellers。
Presently a perfeckly orful lookin female presented herself at
the door。 Her gownd was skanderlusly short and her trowsis was
shameful to behold。
She eyed me over very sharp； and then startin back she sed； in
a wild voice：
〃Ah； can it be？〃
〃Which？〃 sed I。
〃Yes； 'tis troo； O 'tis troo！〃
〃15 cents； marm；〃 I anserd。
She bust out a cryin & sed：
〃And so I hav found you at larstat larst； O at larst！〃
〃Yes；〃 I anserd； 〃you hav found me at larst； and you would hav
found me at fust； if you had cum sooner。〃
She grabd me vilently by the coat collar； and brandishin her
umbreller wildly round； exclaimed：
〃Air you a man？〃
Sez I； 〃I think I air； but if you doubt it； you can address
Mrs。 A。 Ward； Baldinsville； Injianny； postage pade； & she will
probly giv you the desired informashun。〃
〃Then thou ist what the cold world calls marrid？〃
〃Madam； I istest！〃
The exsentric female then clutched me franticly by the arm and
hollered：
〃You air mine； O you air mine！〃
〃Scacely；〃 I sed； endeverin to git loose from her。 But she
clung to me and sed：
〃You air my Affinerty！〃
〃What upon arth is that？〃 I shouted。
〃Dost thou not know？〃
〃No； I dostent！〃
〃Listin man； & I'll tell ye！〃 sed the strange female； 〃for
years I hav yearned for thee。 I knowd thou wast in the world；
sumwhares； tho I didn't know whare。 My hart sed he would cum
and I took courage。 He HAS cumhe's hereyou air himyou
air my Affinerty！ O 'tis too mutch！ too mutch！〃 and she sobbed
agin。
〃Yes；〃 I anserd； 〃I think it is a darn site too mutch！〃
〃Hast thou not yearned for me？〃 she yelled； ringin her hands
like a female play acter。
〃Not a yearn！〃 I bellerd at the top of my voice； throwin her
away from me。
The free lovers who was standin round obsarvin the scene
commenst for to holler 〃shame〃 〃beast；〃 etsettery； etsettery。
I was very mutch riled； and fortifyin myself with a spare tent
stake； I addrest them as follers： 〃You pussylanermus critters；
go way from me and take this retchid woman with you。 I'm a
law…abidin man； and beleeve in good； old…fashioned institutions。
I am marrid & my orfsprings resemble me if I am a showman！ I
think your Affinity bizniss is cussed noncents； besides bein
outrajusly wicked。 Why don't you behave desunt like other
folks？ Go to work and earn a honist livin and not stay round
here in this lazy； shiftless way； pizenin the moral atmosphere
with your pestifrous ideas！ You wimin folks go back to your
lawful husbands if you've got any； and take orf them skanderlous
gownds and trowsis； and dress respectful like other wimin。 You
men folks； cut orf them pirattercal whiskers； burn up them
infurnel pamplits； put sum weskuts on； go to work choppin wood；
splittin fence rales； or tillin the sile。〃 I pored 4th my
indignashun in this way till I got out of breth； when I stopt。
I shant go to Berlin Hites agin； not if I live to be as old
as Methooseler。
1。15。 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG。
It is now goin on 2 （too） yeres； as I very well remember； since
I crossed the Planes for Kaliforny； the Brite land of Jold。
While crossin the Planes all so bold I fell in with sum noble
red men of the forest （N。B。 This is rote Sarcasticul。 Injins
is Pizin； whar ever found；） which thay Sed I was their Brother；
& wanted for to smoke the Calomel of Peace with me。 Thay then
stole my jerkt beef； blankits； etsettery； skalpt my orgin
grinder & scooted with a Wild Hoop。 Durin the Cheaf's techin
speech he sed he shood meet me in the Happy Huntin Grounds。 If
he duz thare will be a fite。 But enuff of this ere。 〃Reven
Noose Muttons；〃 as our skoolmaster； who has got Talent into
him； cussycally obsarve。
I arrove at Salt Lake in doo time。 At Camp Scott there was a
lot of U。S。 sogers； hosstensibly sent out there to smash the
Mormons but really to eat Salt vittles & play poker & other
beautiful but sumwhat onsartin games。 I got acquainted with
sum of the officers。 Thay lookt putty scrumpshus in their
Bloo coats with brass buttings onto um & ware very talented
drinkers； but so fur as fitin is consarned I'd willingly put my
wax figgers agin the hull party。
My desire was to exhibit my grate show in Salt Lake City； so I
called on Brigham Yung； the grate mogull amung the mormins and
axed his permishun to pitch my tent and onfurl my banner to the
jentle breezis。 He lookt at me in a austeer manner for a few
minits； and sed：
〃Do you bleeve in Solomon； Saint Paul； the immaculateness of
the Mormin Church and the Latter…day Revelashuns？〃
Sez I； 〃I'm on it！〃 I make it a pint to git along plesunt； tho
I didn't know what under the Son the old feller was drivin at。
He sed I mite show。
〃You air a marrid man； Mister Yung； I bleeve？〃 sez I； preparin
to rite him sum free parsis。
〃I hev eighty wives； Mister Ward。 I sertinly am married。〃
〃How do you like it as far as you hev got？〃 sed I。
He sed 〃middlin；〃 and axed me wouldn't I like to see his
famerly； to which I replide that I wouldn't mine minglin with
the fair Seck & Barskin in the winnin smiles of his interestin
wives。 He accordingly tuk me to his Scareum。 The house is
powerful big & in a exceedin large room was his wives &
children； which larst was squawkin and hollerin enuff to take
the roof rite orf the house。 The wimin was of all sizes and
ages。 Sum was pretty & sum was Planesum was helthy and sum
was on the Waynewhich is verses； tho sich was not my
intentions； as I don't 'prove of puttin verses in Proze
rittins； tho ef occashun requires I can Jerk a Poim ekal to any
of them Atlantic Munthly fellers。
〃My wives； Mister Ward；〃 sed Yung。
〃Your sarvant； marms；〃 sed I； as I sot down in a cheer which a
red…heded female brawt me。
〃Besides these wives you see here； Mister Ward；〃 sed Yung； 〃I
hav eighty more in varis parts of this consecrated land which
air Sealed to me。〃
〃Which？〃 sez I； gittin up & starin at him。
〃Sealed； Sir！ sealed。〃
〃Whare bowts？〃 sez I。
〃I sed； Sir； that they was sealed！〃 He spoke in a traggerdy
voice。
〃Will they probly continner on in that stile to any grate
extent； Sir？〃 I axed。
〃Sir；〃 sed he； turnin as red as a biled beet； 〃don't you know
that the rules of our Church