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all over my boddy and pertater peelins air a springin up
through my hair。 Howsever I don't mind it。 I'm gittin along
well in a pecunery pint of view。 The College has konfired upon
me the honery title of T。K。； of which I'm suffishuntly prowd。
1。11。 THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP。
Thare was many affectin ties which made me hanker arter Betsy
Jane。 Her father's farm jined our'n； their cows and our'n
squencht their thurst at the same spring； our old mares both
had stars in their forreds； the measles broke out in both
famerlies at nearly the same period； our parients （Betsy's and
mine） slept reglarly every Sunday in the same meetin house； and
the nabers used to obsarve； 〃How thick the Wards and Peasleys
air！〃 It was a surblime site； in the Spring of the year； to
see our sevral mothers （Betsy's and mine） with their gowns
pin'd up so thay couldn't sile 'em； affecshuntly Bilin sope
together & aboozin the nabers。
Altho I hankerd intensly arter the objeck of my affecshuns； I
darsunt tell her of the fires which was rajin in my manly
Buzzum。 I'd try to do it but my tung would kerwollup up agin
the roof of my mowth & stick thar； like deth to a deseast
Afrikan or a country postmaster to his offiss； while my hart
whanged agin my ribs like a old fashioned wheat Flale agin a
barn floor。
'Twas a carm still nite in Joon。 All nater was husht and nary
a zeffer disturbed the sereen silens。 I sot with Betsy Jane on
the fense of her farther's pastur。 We'd bin rompin threw the
woods； kullin flours & drivin the woodchuck from his Nativ Lair
（so to speak） with long sticks。 Wall； we sot thar on the
fense； a swingin our feet two and fro； blushin as red as the
Baldinsville skool house when it was fust painted； and lookin
very simple； I make no doubt。 My left arm was ockepied in
ballunsin myself on the fense； while my rite was woundid
luvinly round her waste。
I cleared my throat and tremblin sed； 〃Betsy； you're a
Gazelle。〃
I thought that air was putty fine。 I waitid to see what effeck
it would hav upon her。 It evidently didn't fetch her； for she
up and sed；
〃You're a sheep！〃
Sez I； 〃Betsy； I think very muchly of you。〃
〃I don't b'leeve a word you sayso there now cum！〃 with which
obsarvashun she hitched away from me。
〃I wish thar was winders to my Sole；〃 sed I； 〃so that you could
see some of my feelins。 There's fire enuff in here；〃 sed I；
strikin my buzzum with my fist； 〃to bile all the corn beef and
turnips in the naberhood。 Versoovius and the Critter ain't a
circumstans！〃
She bowd her hed down and commenst chawin the strings to her
sun bonnet。
〃Ar could you know the sleeplis nites I worry threw with on
your account； how vittles has seized to be attractiv to me &
how my lims has shrunk up； you wouldn't dowt me。 Gase on this
wastin form and these 'ere sunken cheeks〃
I should have continnered on in this strane probly for sum
time； but unfortnitly I lost my ballunse and fell over into the
pastur ker smash； tearin my close and seveerly damagin myself
ginerally。
Betsy Jane sprung to my assistance in dubble quick time and
dragged me 4th。 Then drawin herself up to her full hite she
sed：
〃I won't listen to your noncents no longer。 Jes say rite
strate out what you're drivin at。 If you mean gettin hitched；
I'M IN！〃
I considered that air enuff for all practicul purpusses； and we
proceeded immejitely to the parson's； & was made 1 that very
nite。
（Notiss to the Printer： Put some stars here。）
* * * * * *
I've parst threw many tryin ordeels sins then； but Betsy Jane
has bin troo as steel。 By attendin strickly to bizniss I've
amarsed a handsum Pittance。 No man on this footstool can rise &
git up & say I ever knowinly injered no man or wimmin folks；
while all agree that my Show is ekalled by few and exceld by
none； embracin as it does a wonderful colleckshun of livin wild
Beests of Pray； snaix in grate profushun； a endliss variety of
life…size wax figgers； & the only traned kangaroo in Ameriky
the most amoozin little cuss ever introjuced to a discriminatin
public。
1。12。 THE CRISIS。
＇This Oration was delivered before the commencement of the
war。＇
On returnin to my humsted in Baldinsville； Injianny； resuntly；
my feller sitterzens extended a invite for me to norate to 'em
on the Krysis。 I excepted & on larst Toosday nite I peared be4
a C of upturned faces in the Red Skool House。 I spoke nearly
as follers：
Baldinsvillins： Hearto4； as I hav numerously obsarved； I have
abstrained from having any sentimunts or principles； my
pollertics； like my religion； bein of a exceedin accommodatin
character。 But the fack can't be no longer disgised that a
Krysis is onto us； & I feel it's my dooty to accept your invite
for one consecutive nite only。 I spose the inflammertory
individooals who assisted in projucing this Krysis know what
good she will do； but I ain't 'shamed to state that I don't
scacely。 But the Krysis is hear。 She's bin hear for sevral
weeks； & Goodness nose how long she'll stay。 But I venter to
assert that she's rippin things。 She's knockt trade into a
cockt up hat and chaned Bizness of all kinds tighter nor I ever
chaned any of my livin wild Beests。 Alow me to hear dygress &
stait that my Beests at presnt is as harmless as the newborn
Babe。 Ladys & gentlemen needn't hav no fears on that pint。 To
resoomAltho I can't exactly see what good this Krysis can do；
I can very quick say what the origernal cawz of her is。 The
origernal cawz is Our Afrikan Brother。 I was into BARNIM'S
Moozeum down to New York the other day & saw that exsentric
Etheopian； the What Is It。 Sez I； 〃Mister What Is It； you
folks air raisin thunder with this grate country。 You're
gettin to be ruther more numeris than interestin。 It is a pity
you coodent go orf sumwhares by yourselves； & be a nation of
What Is Its； tho' if you'll excoose me； I shooden't care about
marryin among you。 No dowt you're exceedin charmin to hum； but
your stile of luvliness isn't adapted to this cold climit。 He
larfed into my face； which rather Riled me； as I had been
perfeckly virtoous and respectable in my observashuns。 So sez
I； turnin a leetle red in the face； I spect； 〃Do you hav the
unblushin impoodents to say you folks haven't raised a big mess
of thunder in this brite land； Mister What Is It？〃 He larfed
agin； wusser nor be4； whareupon I up and sez； 〃Go home； Sir； to
Afriky's burnin shores & taik all the other What Is Its along
with you。 Don't think we can spair your interestin picters。
You What Is Its air on the pint of smashin up the gratest
Guv'ment ever erected by man； & you actooally hav the owdassity
to larf about it。 Go home； you low cuss！〃
I was workt up to a high pitch； & I proceeded to a Restorator &
cooled orf with some little fishes biled in ileI b'leeve thay
call 'em sardeens。
Feller Sitterzuns； the Afrikan may be Our Brother。 Sevral hily
respectyble gentlemen； and sum talentid females tell us so； &
fur argyment's sake I mite be injooced to grant it； tho' I
don't beleeve it myself。 But the Afrikan isn't our sister &
our wife & our uncle。 He isn't sevral of o