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I roared； when she set up the most unarthly yellin and hollerin
you ever heerd。 The passinjers & the gentlemunly konducter
rusht to the spot； & I don't think I ever experiunsed sich a
rumpus in the hull coarse of my natral dase。 The man in black
close rusht up to me & sed 〃How dair yu insult my neece； you
horey heded vagabone。 You base exhibbiter of low wax figgers
yu woolf in sheep's close；〃 & sow 4th。
I was konfoozed。 I was a loonytick fur the time bein； and
offered 5 dollars reward to enny gentleman of good morrul
carracter who wood tell me whot my name was & what town I livd
into。 The konducter kum to me & sed the insultid parties wood
settle for 50 dollars； which I immejitly hawled out； & agane
implored sumbuddy to state whare I was prinsipully； & if I
shood be thare a grate while my self ef things went on as
they'd bin goin fur sum time back。 I then axed if there was
enny more Octoroons present； 〃becawz；〃 sez I； 〃ef there is； let
um cum along； fur Ime in the Octoroon bizniss。〃 I then threw
my specterculs out of the winder； smasht my hat wildly down
over my Ise； larfed highsterically & fell under a seet。 I lay
there sum time & fell asleep。 I dreamt Mrs。 Ward & the twins
had bin carried orf by Ryenosserhosses & that Baldinsville had
bin captered by a army of Octoroons。 When I awoked the lamps
was a burnin dimly。 Sum of the passinjers was a snorein like
pawpusses & the little damsell in the pinc gown was a singin
〃Oft in the Silly nite。〃 The onprinsipuld Octoroon & the
miserbul man in black close was gone； & all of a suddent it
flasht ore my brane that I'de bin swindild。
1。9。 EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR。
In the Ortum of 18 my frend； the editor of the Baldinsville
Bugle； was obleged to leave perfeshernal dooties & go & dig his
taters； & he axed me to edit for him dooring his absence。
Accordingly I ground up his Shears and commenced。 It didn't
take me a grate while to slash out copy enuff from the xchanges
（Perhaps five per cent。 of the Western newspapers is original
matter relating to the immediate neighborhood； the rest is
composed of 〃telegraphs〃 and clippings from the 〃exchanges〃a
general term applied to those papers posted in exchange for
others； the accommodation being a mutual benefit。） for one
issoo； and I thawt I'd ride up to the next town on a little
Jaunt； to rest my Branes； which had bin severely rackt by my
mental efforts。 （This is sorter Ironical。） So I went over to
the Rale Road offiss and axed the Sooprintendent for a pars。
〃YOU a editer？〃 he axed； evijently on the pint of snickerin。
〃Yes Sir；〃 sez I； 〃don't I look poor enuff？〃
〃Just about；〃 sed he； 〃but our Road can't pars you。〃
〃Can't； hay？〃
〃No Sirit can't。〃
〃Becauz；〃 sez I； lookin him full in the face with a Eagle eye；
〃IT GOES SO DARNED SLOW IT CAN'T PARS ANYBODY！〃 Methinks I had
him thar。 It's the slowest Rale Road in the West。 With a
mortified air； he told me to git out of his offiss。 I pittid
him and went。
1。10。 OBERLIN。
About two years ago I arrove in Oberlin； Ohio。 Oberlin is
whare the celebrated college is。 In fack； Oberlin IS the
college； everything else in that air vicinity resolvin around
excloosivly for the benefit of that institution。 It is a very
good college； too； & a grate many wurthy yung men go there
annooally to git intelleck into 'em。 But its my onbiassed
'pinion that they go it rather too strong on Ethiopians at
Oberlin。 But that's nun of my bisniss。 I'm into the Show
bizness。 Yit as a faithful historan I must menshun the fack
that on rainy dase white peple can't find their way threw the
streets without the gas is lit； there bein such a numerosity of
cullerd pussons in the town。
As I was sayin； I arroved at Oberlin； and called on Perfesser
Peck for the purpuss of skewerin Kolonial Hall to exhibit my
wax works and beests of Pray into。 Kolonial Hall is in the
college and is used by the stujents to speak peaces and read
essays into。
Sez Perfesser Peck； 〃Mister Ward； I don't know 'bout this
bizniss。 What are your sentiments？〃
Sez I； 〃I hain't got any。〃
〃Good God！〃 cried the Perfesser； 〃did I understan you to say
you hav no sentiments！〃
〃Nary a sentiment！〃 sez I。
〃Mister Ward； don't your blud bile at the thawt that three
million and a half of your culled brethren air a clankin their
chains in the South？〃
Sez I； 〃Not a bile！ Let 'em clank！〃
He was about to continner his flowry speech when I put a
stopper on him。 Sez I； 〃Perfesser Peck； A。 Ward is my name &
Americky is my nashun； I'm allers the same； tho' humble is my
station； and I've bin in the show bizniss goin on 22 years。
The pint is； can I hav your Hall by payin a fair price？ You
air full of sentiments。 That's your lay； while I'm a exhibiter
of startlin curiosities。 What d'ye say？〃
〃Mister Ward； you air endowed with a hily practical mind； and
while I deeply regret that you air devoid of sentiments I'll
let you hav the hall provided your exhibition is of a moral &
elevatin nater。〃
Sez I； 〃Tain't nothin shorter。〃
So I opened in Kolonial Hall； which was crowded every nite with
stujents； &c。 Perfesser Finny gazed for hours at my Kangaroo；
but when that sagashus but onprincipled little cuss set up one
of his onarthly yellins and I proceeded to hosswhip him； the
Perfesser objected。 〃Suffer not your angry pashums to rise up
at the poor annimil's little excentrissities；〃 said the
Perfesser。
〃Do you call such conduck as THOSE a little excentrissity？〃 I
axed。
〃I do；〃 sed he； sayin which he walked up to the cage and sez
he； 〃let's try moral swashun upon the poor creeter。〃 So he put
his hand upon the Kangeroo's hed and sed； 〃poor little fellow
poor little fellowyour master is very crooil； isn't he； my
untootered frend；〃 when the Kangaroo； with a terrific yell；
grabd the Perfesser by the hand and cum very near chawin it
orf。 It was amoozin to see the Perfesser jump up and scream
with pane。 Sez I； 〃that's one of the poor little fellow's
excentrissities！〃
Sez he； 〃Mister Ward； that's a dangerous quadruped。 He's
totally depraved。 I will retire and do my lasserated hand up in
a rag； and meanwhile I request you to meat out summery and
severe punishment to the vishus beest；〃 I hosswhipt the little
cuss for upwards of 15 minutes。 Guess I licked sum of his
excentrissity out of him。
Oberlin is a grate plase。 The College opens with a prayer and
then the New York Tribune is read。 A kolleckshun is then taken
up to buy overkoats with red horn buttons onto them for the
indignant cullured people of Kanady。 I have to contribit
librally two the glowrius work； as they kawl it hear。 I'm
kompelled by the Fackulty to reserve front seets in my show for
the cullered peple。 At the Boardin House the cullered peple
sit at the first table。 What they leeve is maid into hash for
the white peple。 As I don't like the idee of eatin my vittles
with Ethiopians； I sit at the seckind table； and the
konsequence is I've devowered so much hash that my inards is in
a hily mixt up condishun。 Fish bones hav maid their appearance
all over my boddy and pertater peelins air a springin up
through my hair。 Howsever I don't