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the Erth。 The Erth； continnered the speaker； resolves round on
its own axeltree onct in 24 hours； but as man haint gut no
axeltree he cant resolve。 He sed the ethereal essunce of the
koordinate branchis of super…human natur becum mettymorfussed as
man progrest in harmonial coexistunce & eventooally anty
humanized theirselves & turned into reglar sperretuellers。 （This
was versifferusly applauded by the cumpany； and as I make it a
pint to get along as pleasant as possible； I sung out 〃bully for
you； old boy。〃）
The cumpany then drew round the table and the Sircle kommenst
to go it。 Thay axed me if thare was an body in the Sperret land
which I wood like to convarse with。 I sed if Bill Tompkins； who
was onct my partner in the show biznis； was sober； I should like
to convarse with him a few periods。
〃Is the Sperret of William Tompkins present？〃 sed 1 of the long
hared chaps； and there was three knox on the table。
Sez I； 〃William； how goze it； Old Sweetness？〃
〃Pretty ruff； old hoss；〃 he replide。
That was a pleasant way we had of addressin each other when he
was in the flesh。
〃Air you in the show bizniz； William？〃 sed I。
He sed he was。 He sed he & John Bunyan was travelin with a
side show in connection with Shakspere； Jonson & Co。's Circus。
He sed old Bun （meanin Mr。 Bunyan；） stired up the animils &
ground the organ while he tended door。 Occashunally Mr。 Bunyan
sung a comic song。 The Circus was doin middlin well。 Bill
Shakspeer had made a grate hit with old Bob Ridley； and Ben
Jonson was delitin the peple with his trooly grate ax of
hossmanship without saddul or bridal。 Thay was rehersin
Dixey's Land & expected it would knock the peple。
Sez I； 〃William； my luvly friend； can you pay me that 13
dollars you owe me？〃 He sed no with one of the most tremenjis
knox I ever experiunsed。
The Sircle sed he had gone。 〃Air you gone； William？〃 I axed。
〃Rayther；〃 he replide； and I knowd it was no use to pursoo the
subjeck furder。
I then called fur my farther。
〃How's things； daddy？〃
〃Middlin； my son； middlin。〃
〃Ain't you proud of your orfurn boy？〃
〃Scacely。〃
〃Why not； my parient？〃
〃Becawz you hav gone to writin for the noospapers； my son。
Bimeby you'll lose all your character for trooth and
verrasserty。 When I helpt you into the show biznis I told you
to dignerfy that there profeshun。 Litteratoor is low。〃
He also statid that he was doin middlin well in the peanut
biznis & liked it putty well； tho' the climit was rather warm。
When the Sircle stopt thay axed me what I thawt of it。
Sez I； 〃My frends I've bin into the show biznis now goin on 23
years。 Theres a artikil in the Constitooshun of the United
States which sez in effeck that everybody may think just as he
darn pleazes； & them is my sentiments to a hare。 You dowtlis
beleeve this Sperret doctrin while I think it is a little mixt。
Just so soon as a man becums a reglar out & out Sperret rapper
he leeves orf workin； lets his hare grow all over his fase &
commensis spungin his livin out of other peple。 He eats all
the dickshunaries he can find & goze round chock full of big
words； scarein the wimmin folks & little children & destroyin
the piece of mind of evry famerlee he enters。 He don't do
nobody no good & is a cuss to society & a pirit on honest
peple's corn beef barrils。 Admittin all you say abowt the
doctrin to be troo； I must say the reglar perfessional Sperrit
rappersthem as makes a biznis on itair abowt the most
ornery set of cusses I ever enkountered in my life。 So sayin I
put on my surtoot and went home。
Respectably Yures；
Artemus Ward。
1。7。 ON THE WING。
Gents of the Editorial Corpse。
Since I last rit you I've met with immense success a showin my
show in varis places； particly at Detroit。 I put up at Mr。
Russel's tavern； a very good tavern too； but I am sorry to
inform you that the clerks tried to cum a Gouge Game on me。 I
brandished my new sixteen dollar huntin…cased watch round
considerable； & as I was drest in my store clothes & had a lot
of sweet…scented wagon…grease on my hair； I am free to confess
that I thought I lookt putty gay。 It never once struck me that
I lookt green。 But up steps a clerk & axes me hadn't I better
put my watch in the Safe。 〃Sir；〃 sez I； 〃that watch cost
sixteen dollars！ Yes； Sir； every dollar of it！ You can't cum
it over me； my boy！ Not at all； Sir。〃 I know'd what the clerk
wanted。 He wanted that watch himself。 He wanted to make
believe as tho he lockt it up in the safe； then he would set
the house a fire and pretend as tho the watch was destroyed
with the other property！ But he caught a Tomarter when he got
hold of me。 From Detroit I go West'ard hoe。 On the cars was a
he…lookin female； with a green…cotton umbreller in one hand and
a handful of Reform tracks in the other。 She sed every woman
should have a Spear。 Them as didn't demand their Spears；
didn't know what was good for them。 〃What is my Spear？〃 she
axed； addressing the people in the cars。 〃Is it to stay at
home & darn stockins & be the ser…LAVE of a domineerin man？ Or
is it my Spear to vote & speak & show myself the ekal of a man？
Is there a sister in these keers that has her proper Spear？〃
Sayin which the eccentric female whirled her umbreller round
several times； & finally jabbed me in the weskit with it。
〃I hav no objecshuns to your goin into the Spear bizness；〃 sez
I； 〃but you'll please remember I ain't a pickeril。 Don't Spear
me agin； if you please。〃 She sot down。
At Ann Arbor； bein seized with a sudden faintness； I called for
a drop of suthin to drink。 As I was stirrin the beverage up； a
pale…faced man in gold spectacles laid his hand upon my
shoulder； & sed； 〃Look not upon the wine when it is red！〃
Sez I； 〃This ain't wine。 This is Old Rye。〃
〃'It stingeth like a Adder and biteth like a Sarpent！'〃 sed the
man。
〃I guess not；〃 sed I； 〃when you put sugar into it。 That's the
way I allers take mine。〃
〃Have you sons grown up； sir？〃 the man axed。
〃Wall；〃 I replide； as I put myself outside my beverage； 〃my son
Artemus junior is goin on 18。〃
〃Ain't you afraid if you set this example be4 him he'll cum to
a bad end？〃
〃He's cum to a waxed end already。 He's learnin the shoe makin
bizness；〃 I replide。 〃I guess we can both on us git along
without your assistance； Sir；〃 I obsarved； as he was about to
open his mouth agin。
〃This is a cold world！〃 sed the man。
〃That's so。 But you'll get into a warmer one by and by if you
don't mind your own bizness better。〃 I was a little riled at
the feller； because I never take anythin only when I'm onwell。
I arterwards learned he was a temperance lecturer； and if he
can injuce men to stop settin their inards on fire with the
frightful licker which is retailed round the country； I shall
hartily rejoice。 Better give men Prusick Assid to onct； than
to pizen 'em to deth by degrees。
At Albion I met with overwhelmin success。 The celebrated
Albion Female Semenary is located here； & there air over 300
young ladies in the Institushun； pretty enough to eat without
seasonin or sas