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Spaldin's Fort is to maik Prepared Gloo； which mends everything。
Wonder ef it will mend a sinner's wickid waze？ （Impromptoo
goak。）
Zoary's Fort is to be a femaile circus feller。
My Fort is the grate moral show bizniss & ritin choice famerly
literatoor for the noospapers。 That's what's the matter with ME。
&c。； &c。； &c。 So I mite go on to a indefnit extent。
Twict I've endeverd to do things which thay wasn't my Fort。 The
fust time was when I undertuk to lick a owdashus cuss who cut a
hole in my tent & krawld threw。 Sez I； 〃my jentle Sir go out or
I shall fall onto you putty hevy。〃 Sez he； 〃Wade in； Old wax
figgers；〃 whareupon I went for him； but he cawt me powerful on
the hed & knockt me threw the tent into a cow pastur。 He pursood
the attack & flung me into a mud puddle。 As I aroze & rung out
my drencht garmints I koncluded fitin wasn't my Fort。 Ile now
rize the kurtin upon Seen 2nd： It is rarely seldum that I seek
consolation in the Flowin Bole。 But in a sertin town in Injianny
in the Faul of 18； my orgin grinder got sick with the fever &
died。 I never felt so ashamed in my life； & I thowt I'd hist in
a few swallows of suthin strengthin。 Konsequents was I histid in
so much I dident zackly know whare bowts I was。 I turnd my livin
wild beests of Pray loose into the streets and spilt all my wax
wurks。 I then Bet I cood play hoss。 So I hitched myself to a
Kanawl bote； there bein two other hosses hitcht on also； one
behind and anuther ahead of me。 The driver hollerd for us to git
up； and we did。 But the hosses bein onused to sich a arrangemunt
begun to kick & squeal and rair up。 Konsequents was I was kickt
vilently in the stummuck & back； and presuntly I fownd myself in
the Kanawl with the other hosses； kickin & yellin like a tribe of
Cusscaroorus savvijis。 I was rescood； & as I was bein carrid to
the tavern on a hemlock Bored I sed in a feeble voise； 〃Boys；
playin hoss isn't my Fort。〃
MORULNever don't do nothin which isn't your Fort； for ef you do
you'll find yourself splashin round in the Kanawl； figgeratively
speakin。
1。3。 THE SHAKERS。
The Shakers is the strangest religious sex I ever met。 I'd hearn
tell of 'em and I'd seen 'em； with their broad brim'd hats and
long wastid coats； but I'd never cum into immejit contack with
'em； and I'd sot 'em down as lackin intelleck； as I'd never seen
'em to my Showleastways； if they cum they was disgised in white
peple's close； so I didn't know 'em。
But in the Spring of 18； I got swampt in the exterior of New
York State； one dark and stormy night； when the winds Blue
pityusly； and I was forced to tie up with the Shakers。
I was toilin threw the mud； when in the dim vister of the futer I
obsarved the gleams of a taller candle。 Tiein a hornet's nest to
my off hoss's tail to kinder encourage him； I soon reached the
place。 I knockt at the door； which it was opened unto me by a
tall； slick…faced； solum lookin individooal； who turn'd out to be
a Elder。
〃Mr。 Shaker；〃 sed I； 〃you see before you a Babe in the woods； so
to speak； and he axes shelter of you。〃
〃Yay；〃 sed the Shaker； and he led the way into the house； another
Shaker bein sent to put my hosses and waggin under kiver。
A solum female； lookin sumwhat like a last year's beanpole stuck
into a long meal bag； cum in axed me was I athurst and did I
hunger？ to which I urbanely anserd 〃a few。〃 She went orf and I
endeverd to open a conversashun with the old man。
〃Elder； I spect？〃 sed I。
〃Yay；〃 he said。
〃Helth's good； I reckon？〃
〃Yay。〃
〃What's the wages of a Elder； when he understans his biznessor
do you devote your sarvices gratooitus？〃
〃Yay。〃
〃Stormy night； sir。〃
〃Yay。〃
〃If the storm continners there'll be a mess underfoot； hay？〃
〃Yay。〃
〃It's onpleasant when there's a mess underfoot？〃
〃Yay。〃
〃If I may be so bold； kind sir； what's the price of that pecooler
kind of weskit you wear； incloodin trimmins？〃
〃Yay！〃
I pawsd a minit； and then； thinkin I'd be faseshus with him and
see how that would go； I slapt him on the shoulder； bust into a
harty larf； and told him that as a yayer he had no livin ekal。
He jumpt up as if Bilin water had bin squirted into his ears；
groaned； rolled his eyes up tords the sealin and sed： 〃You're a
man of sin！〃 He then walkt out of the room。
Jest then the female in the meal bag stuck her hed into the room
and statid that refreshments awaited the weary travler； and I sed
if it was vittles she ment the weary travler was agreeable； and I
follored her into the next room。
I sot down to the table and the female in the meal bag pored out
sum tea。 She sed nothin； and for five minutes the only live
thing in that room was a old wooden clock； which tickt in a
subdood and bashful manner in the corner。 This dethly stillness
made me oneasy； and I determined to talk to the female or bust。
So sez I； 〃marrige is agin your rules； I bleeve； marm？〃
〃Yay。〃
〃The sexes liv strickly apart； I spect？〃
〃Yay。〃
〃It's kinder singler；〃 sez I； puttin on my most sweetest look and
speakin in a winnin voice； 〃that so fair a made as thow never got
hitched to some likely feller。〃 ＇N。B。She was upards of 40 and
homely as a stump fence； but I thawt I'd tickil her。＇
〃I don't like men！〃 she sed； very short。
〃Wall； I dunno；〃 sez I； 〃they're a rayther important part of the
populashun。 I don't scacely see how we could git along without
'em。〃
〃Us poor wimin folks would git along a grate deal better if there
was no men！〃
〃You'll excoos me； marm； but I don't think that air would work。
It wouldn't be regler。〃
〃I'm fraid of men！〃 she sed。
〃That's onnecessary； marm。 YOU ain't in no danger。 Don't fret
yourself on that pint。〃
〃Here we're shot out from the sinful world。 Here all is peas。
Here we air brothers and sisters。 We don't marry and consekently
we hav no domestic difficulties。 Husbans don't abooze their
wiveswives don't worrit their husbans。 There's no children
here to worrit us。 Nothin to worrit us here。 No wicked
matrimony here。 Would thow like to be a Shaker？〃
〃No；〃 sez I； 〃it ain't my stile。〃
I had now histed in as big a load of pervishuns as I could carry
comfortable； and； leanin back in my cheer； commenst pickin my
teeth with a fork。 The female went out； leavin me all alone with
the clock。 I hadn't sot thar long before the Elder poked his hed
in at the door。 〃You're a man of sin！〃 he sed； and groaned and
went away。
Direckly thar cum in two young Shakeresses； as putty and slick
lookin gals as I ever met。 It is troo they was drest in meal
bags like the old one I'd met previsly； and their shiny； silky
har was hid from sight by long white caps； sich as I spose female
Josts wear； but their eyes sparkled like diminds； their cheeks
was like roses； and they was charmin enuff to make a man throw
stuns at his granmother if they axed him to。 They comenst
clearin away the dishes； castin shy glances at me all the time。
I got excited。 I forgot Betsy Jane in my rapter； and sez I； 〃my
pretty dears； how air you？〃
〃We air well；〃 they solumly sed。
〃Whar's the old man？〃 sed I； in a soft voice。
〃Of whom dost thow speakBroth