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precisely the sort of traveller to write a paper for the evening
meetings of the Royal Geographical Society； nor was he sufficiently
interested in philosophical theories to speculate on the
developments of Mormonism as illustrative of the history of
religious belief。 We were looking out of the window of the Salt
Lake House one morning； when Brigham Young happened to pass down the
opposite side of Main Street。 It was cold weather； and the prophet
was clothed in a thick cloak of some green…colored material。 I
remarked to Artemus that Brigham had seemingly compounded Mormonism
from portions of a dozen different creeds； and that in selecting
green for the color of his apparel； he was imitating Mahomet。 〃Has
it not struck you；〃 I observed； 〃that Swedenborgianism and
Mahometanism are oddly blended in the Mormon faith？〃
〃Petticoatism and plunder；〃 was Artemus's replyand that
comprehended his whole philosophy of Mormonism。 As he remarked
elsewhere： 〃Brigham Young is a man of great natural ability。 If you
ask me； How pious is he？ I treat it as a conundrum； and give it up。〃
To lecture in London； and at the Egyptian Hall； had long been a
favourite idea of Artemus Ward。 Some humorist has said； that 〃All
good Americans； when they die； go to Paris。〃 So do most； whether
good or bad； while they are living。
Still more strongly developed is the transatlantic desire to go to
Rome。 In the far west of the Missouri； in the remoter west of
Colorado and away in far north…western Oregon； I have heard many a
tradesman express his intention to make dollars enough to enable him
to visit Rome。 In a land where all is so new； where they have had
no past； where an old wall would be a sensation； and a tombstone of
anybody's great grandfather the marvel of the whole region； the
charms of the old world have an irresistible fascination。 To visit
the home of the Caesars they have read of in their school…books； and
to look at architecture which they have seen pictorially； but have
nothing like it in existence around them； is very naturally the
strong wish of people who are nationally nomadic； and who have all
more or less a smattering of education。 Artemus Ward never
expressed to me any very great wish to travel on the European
continent； but to see London was to accomplish something which he
had dreamed of from his boyhood。 There runs from Marysville in
California to Oroville in the same State a short and singular little
railway； which； when we were there； was in a most unfinished
condition。 To Oroville we were going。 We were too early for the
train at the Marysville station； and sat down on a pile of timber to
chat over future prospects。
〃What sort of a man was Albert Smith？〃 asked Artemus 〃And do you
think that the Mormons would be as good a subject for the Londoners
as Mont Blanc was？〃
I answered his questions。 He reflected for a few moments； and then
said：
〃Well； old fellow； I'll tell you what I should like to do。 I should
like to go to London and give my lecture in the same place。 Can it
be done？〃
It was done。 Not in the same room； but under the same roof and on
the same floor； in that gloomy…looking Hall in Piccadilly； which was
destined to be the ante…chamber to the tomb of both lecturers。
Throughout this brief sketch I have written familiarly of the late
Mr。 Charles F。 Browne as 〃Artemus Ward；〃 or simply as 〃Artemus。〃 I
have done so advisedly； mainly because； during the whole course of
our acquaintance； I do not remember addressing him as 〃Mr。 Browne；〃
or by his real Christian name。 To me he was always 〃Artemus〃
Artemus the kind； the gentle； the suave； the generous。 One who was
ever a friend in the fullest meaning of the word； and the best of
companions in the amplest acceptance of the phrase。 His merry laugh
and pleasant conversation are as audible to me as if they were heard
but yesterday； his words of kindness linger on the ear of memory；
and his tones of genial mirth live in echoes which I shall listen to
for evermore。 Two years will soon have passed away since last he
spoke； and
〃Silence now； enamour'd of his voice
Looks its mute music in her rugged cell。〃
E。P。 HINGSTON。
LONDON； October 1868。
* * *
ARTEMUS WARD。
PART I。
ESSAYS； SKETCHES； AND LETTERS。
1。1。 ONE OF MR。 WARD'S BUSINESS LETTERS。
To the Editor of the
SirI'm movin alongslowly alongdown tords your place。 I
want you should rite me a letter； sayin how is the show bizniss
in your place。 My show at present consists of three moral Bares；
a Kangaroo （a amoozin little Raskalt'would make you larf
yerself to deth to see the little cuss jump up and squeal） wax
figgers of G。 Washington Gen。 Tayler John Bunyan Capt Kidd and
Dr。 Webster in the act of killin Dr。 Parkman； besides several
miscellanyus moral wax statoots of celebrated piruts & murderers；
&c。； ekalled by few & exceld by none。 Now Mr。 Editor； scratch
orf a few lines sayin how is the show bizniss down to your place。
I shall hav my hanbills dun at your offiss。 Depend upon it。 I
want you should git my hanbills up in flamin stile。 Also git up
a tremenjus excitemunt in yr。 paper 'bowt my onparaleld Show。 We
must fetch the public sumhow。 We must wurk on their feelins。
Cum the moral on 'em strong。 If it's a temperance community tell
'em I sined the pledge fifteen minits arter Ise born； but on the
contery ef your peple take their tods； say Mister Ward is as
Jenial a feller as we ever met； full of conwiviality； & the life
an sole of the Soshul Bored。 Take； don't you？ If you say anythin
abowt my show say my snaiks is as harmliss as the new…born Babe。
What a interestin study it is to see a zewological animil like a
snaik under perfeck subjecshun！ My kangaroo is the most larfable
little cuss I ever saw。 All for 15 cents。 I am anxyus to skewer
your infloounce。 I repeet in regard to them hanbills that I shall
git 'em struck orf up to your printin office。 My perlitercal
sentiments agree with yourn exackly。 I know thay do； becawz I
never saw a man whoos didn't。
Respectively yures；
A。 Ward。
P。S。You scratch my back & Ile scratch your back。
1。2。 ON 〃FORTS。〃
Every man has got a Fort。 It's sum men's fort to do one thing；
and some other men's fort to do another； while there is numeris
shiftliss critters goin round loose whose fort is not to do
nothin。
Shakspeer rote good plase； but he wouldn't hav succeeded as a
Washington correspondent of a New York daily paper。 He lackt the
rekesit fancy and imagginashun。
That's so！
Old George Washington's Fort was not to hev eny public man of the
present day resemble him to eny alarmin extent。 Whare bowts can
George's ekal be found？ I ask； & boldly anser no whares； or eny
whare else。
Old man Townsin's Fort was to maik Sassyperiller。 〃Goy to the
world！ anuther life saived！〃 （Cotashun from Townsin's
advertisemunt。）
Cyrus Field's Fort is to lay a sub…machine tellegraf under the
boundin billers of the Oshun； and then hev it Bust。
Spaldin's Fort is to maik Prepared Gloo； which mends everything。
Wonder ef it will mend a sinne