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〃Yes。〃
〃I don't know。 Just someone。〃
〃Ah。〃
They both sat on the pavement and watched with a certain unease as huge children bounced heavily along the sand and wild horses thundered through the sky taking fresh supplies of reinforced railings to the Uncertain Areas。
〃You know；〃 said Arthur with a slight cough； 〃if this is Southend； there's something very odd about it。。。〃
〃You mean the way the sea stays steady and the buildings keep washing up and down？〃 said Ford。 〃Yes I thought that was odd too。 In fact；〃 he continued as with a huge bang Southend split itself into six equal segments which danced and span giddily round each other in lewd and licentious formation； 〃there is something altogether very strange going on。〃
Wild yowling noises of pipes and strings seared through the wind； hot doughnuts popped out of the road for ten pence each； horrid fish stormed out of the sky and Arthur and Ford decided to make a run for it。
They plunged through heavy walls of sound； mountains of archaic thought； valleys of mood music； bad shoe sessions and footling bats and suddenly heard a girl's voice。
It sounded quite a sensible voice； but it just said； 〃Two to the power of one hundred thousand to one against and falling；〃 and that was all。
Ford skidded down a beam of light and span round trying to find a source for the voice but could see nothing he could seriously believe in。
〃What was that voice？〃 shouted Arthur。
〃I don't know；〃 yelled Ford； 〃I don't know。 It sounded like a measurement of probability。〃
〃Probability？ What do you mean？〃
〃Probability。 You know； like two to one； three to one； five to four against。 It said two to the power of one hundred thousand to one against。 That's pretty improbable you know。〃
A million…gallon vat of custard upended itself over them without warning。
〃But what does it mean？〃 cried Arthur。
〃What； the custard？〃
〃No； the measurement of probability！〃
〃I don't know。 I don't know at all。 I think we're on some kind of spaceship。〃
〃I can only assume；〃 said Arthur； 〃that this is not the first…class partment。〃
Bulges appeared in the fabric of space…time。 Great ugly bulges。
〃Haaaauuurrgghhh。。。〃 said Arthur as he felt his body softening and bending in unusual directions。 〃Southend seems to be melting away。。。 the stars are swirling。。。 a dustbowl。。。 my legs are drifting off into the sunset。。。 my left arm's e off too。〃 A frightening thought struck him： 〃Hell；〃 he said； 〃how am I going to operate my digital watch now？〃 He wound his eyes desperately around in Ford's direction。
〃Ford；〃 he said； 〃you're turning into a penguin。 Stop it。〃
Again came the voice。
〃Two to the power of seventy…five thousand to one against and falling。〃
Ford waddled around his pond in a furious circle。 〃Hey； who are you；〃 he quacked。 〃Where are you？ What's going on and is there any way of stopping it？〃
〃Please relax；〃 said the voice pleasantly； like a stewardess in an airliner with only one wing and two engines one of which is on fire； 〃you are perfectly safe。〃
〃But that's not the point！〃 raged Ford。 〃The point is that I am now a perfectly safe penguin； and my colleague here is rapidly running out of limbs！〃
〃It's alright； I've got them back now；〃 said Arthur。
〃Two to the power of fifty thousand to one against and falling；〃 said the voice。
〃Admittedly；〃 said Arthur； 〃they're longer than I usually like them； but。。。〃
〃Isn't there anything；〃 squawked Ford in avian fury； 〃you feel you ought to be telling us？〃
The voice cleared its throat。 A giant petit four lolloped off into the distance。
〃Wele；〃 the voice said； 〃to the Starship Heart of Gold。〃
The voice continued。
〃Please do not be alarmed；〃 it said； 〃by anything you see or hear around you。 You are bound to feel some initial ill effects as you have been rescued from certain death at an improbability level of two to the power of two hundred and seventy…six thousand to one against … possibly much higher。 We are now cruising at a level of two to the power of twenty…five thousand to one against and falling； and we will be restoring normality just as soon as we are sure what is normal anyway。 Thank you。 Two to the power of twenty thousand to one against and falling。〃
The voice cut out。 Ford and Arthur were in a small luminous pink cubicle。 Ford was wildly excited。 〃Arthur！〃 he said； 〃this is fantastic！ We've been picked up by a ship powered by the Infinite Improbability Drive！ This is incredible！ I heard rumors about it before！ They were all officially denied； but they must have done it！ They've built the Improbability Drive！ Arthur； this is。。。 Arthur？ What's happening？〃
Arthur had jammed himself against the door to the cubicle； trying to hold it closed； but it was ill fitting。 Tiny furry little hands were squeezing themselves through the cracks； their fingers were inkstained； tiny voices chattered insanely。
Arthur looked up。 〃Ford！〃 he said； 〃there's an infinite number of monkeys outside who want to talk to us about this script for Hamlet they've worked out。〃
Chapter 10
The Infinite Improbability Drive is a wonderful new method of crossing vast interstellar distances in a mere nothingth of a second； without all that tedious mucking about in hyperspace。
It was discovered by a lucky chance； and then developed into a governable form of propulsion by the Galactic Government's research team on Damogran。
This； briefly； is the story of its discovery。 The principle of generating small amounts of finite improbability by simply hooking the logic circuits of a Bambleweeny 57 Sub…Meson Brain to an atomic vector plotter suspended in a strong Brownian Motion producer （say a nice hot cup of tea） were of course well understood … and such generators were often used to break the ice at parties by making all the molecules in the hostess's undergarments leap simultaneously one foot to the left； in accordance with the Theory of Indeterminacy。
Many respectable physicists said that they weren't going to stand for this … partly because it was a debasement of science； but mostly because they didn't get invited to those sort of parties。
Another thing they couldn't stand was the perpetual failure they encountered in trying to construct a machine which could generate the infinite improbability field needed to flip a spaceship across the mind…paralysing distances between the furthest stars； and in the end they grumpily announced that such a machine was virtually impossible。
Then； one day； a student who had been left to sweep up the lab after a particularly unsuccessful party found himself reasoning this way：
If； he thought to himself； such a machine is a virtual impossibility； then it must logically be a finite improbability。 So all I have to do in order to make one is to work out exactly how improbable it is； feed that figure into the finite improbability generator； give it a fresh cup of really hot tea。。。 and turn it on！
He did this； and was rather startled to discover that he had managed to create the long sought after golden Infinite Improbability generator out of thin air。
It start