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Farewell； old JASPER！
Ballad： PHRENOLOGY。
〃COME； collar this bad man …
Around the throat he knotted me
Till I to choke began …
In point of fact； garotted me！〃
So spake SIR HERBERT WRITE
To JAMES； Policeman Thirty…two …
All ruffled with his fight
SIR HERBERT was； and dirty too。
Policeman nothing said
（Though he had much to say on it）；
But from the bad man's head
He took the cap that lay on it。
〃No； great SIR HERBERT WHITE …
Impossible to take him up。
This man is honest quite …
Wherever did you rake him up？
〃For Burglars； Thieves； and Co。；
Indeed； I'm no apologist；
But I； some years ago；
Assisted a Phrenologist。
〃Observe his various bumps；
His head as I uncover it：
His morals lie in lumps
All round about and over it。〃
〃Now take him；〃 said SIR WHITE；
〃Or you will soon be rueing it；
Bless me！ I must be right； …
I caught the fellow doing it！〃
Policeman calmly smiled；
〃Indeed you are mistaken； sir；
You're agitated … riled …
And very badly shaken； sir。
〃Sit down； and I'll explain
My system of Phrenology；
A second； please； remain〃 …
（A second is horology）。
Policeman left his beat …
（The Bart。； no longer furious；
Sat down upon a seat；
Observing； 〃This is curious！〃）
〃Oh； surely； here are signs
Should soften your rigidity：
This gentleman combines
Politeness with timidity。
〃Of Shyness here's a lump …
A hole for Animosity …
And like my fist his bump
Of Impecuniosity。
〃Just here the bump appears
Of Innocent Hilarity；
And just behind his ears
Are Faith； and Hope； and Charity。
He of true Christian ways
As bright example sent us is …
This maxim he obeys；
'SORTE TUA CONTENTUS SIS。'
〃There； let him go his ways；
He needs no stern admonishing。〃
The Bart。； in blank amaze；
Exclaimed； 〃This is astonishing！
〃I MUST have made a mull；
This matter I've been blind in it：
Examine； please； MY skull；
And tell me what you find in it。〃
That Crusher looked； and said；
With unimpaired urbanity；
〃SIR HERBERT； you've a head
That teems with inhumanity。
〃Here's Murder； Envy； Strife
（Propensity to kill any）；
And Lies as large as life；
And heaps of Social Villany。
〃Here's Love of Bran…New Clothes；
Embezzling … Arson … Deism …
A taste for Slang and Oaths；
And Fraudulent Trusteeism。
〃Here's Love of Groundless Charge …
Here's Malice； too； and Trickery；
Unusually large
Your bump of Pocket…Pickery … 〃
〃Stop！〃 said the Bart。； 〃my cup
Is full … I'm worse than him in all；
Policeman； take me up …
No doubt I am some criminal！〃
That Pleeceman's scorn grew large
（Phrenology had nettled it）；
He took that Bart。 in charge …
I don't know how they settled it。
Ballad： THE FAIRY CURATE。
ONCE a fairy
Light and airy
Married with a mortal；
Men； however；
Never； never
Pass the fairy portal。
Slyly stealing；
She to Ealing
Made a daily journey；
There she found him；
Clients round him
（He was an attorney）。
Long they tarried；
Then they married。
When the ceremony
Once was ended；
Off they wended
On their moon of honey。
Twelvemonth； maybe；
Saw a baby
（Friends performed an orgie）。
Much they prized him；
And baptized him
By the name of GEORGIE；
GEORGIE grew up；
Then he flew up
To his fairy mother。
Happy meeting …
Pleasant greeting …
Kissing one another。
〃Choose a calling
Most enthralling；
I sincerely urge ye。〃
〃Mother；〃 said he
（Rev'rence made he）；
〃I would join the clergy。
〃Give permission
In addition …
Pa will let me do it：
There's a living
In his giving …
He'll appoint me to it。
Dreams of coff'ring；
Easter off'ring；
Tithe and rent and pew…rate；
So inflame me
（Do not blame me）；
That I'll be a curate。〃
She； with pleasure；
Said； 〃My treasure；
'T is my wish precisely。
Do your duty；
There's a beauty；
You have chosen wisely。
Tell your father
I would rather
As a churchman rank you。
You； in clover；
I'll watch over。〃
GEORGIE said； 〃Oh； thank you！〃
GEORGIE scudded；
Went and studied；
Made all preparations；
And with credit
（Though he said it）
Passed examinations。
（Do not quarrel
With him； moral；
Scrupulous digestions …
'Twas his mother；
And no other；
Answered all the questions。）
Time proceeded；
Little needed
GEORGIE admonition：
He； elated；
Vindicated
Clergyman's position。
People round him
Always found him
Plain and unpretending；
Kindly teaching；
Plainly preaching；
All his money lending。
So the fairy；
Wise and wary；
Felt no sorrow rising …
No occasion
For persuasion；
Warning； or advising。
He； resuming
Fairy pluming
（That's not English； is it？）
Oft would fly up；
To the sky up；
Pay mamma a visit。
* * * * * * * *
Time progressing；
GEORGIE'S blessing
Grew more Ritualistic …
Popish scandals；
Tonsures … sandals …
Genuflections mystic；
Gushing meetings …
Bosom…beatings …
Heavenly ecstatics …
Broidered spencers …
Copes and censers …
Rochets and dalmatics。
This quandary
Vexed the fairy …
Flew she down to Ealing。
〃GEORGIE； stop it！
Pray you； drop it；
Hark to my appealing：
To this foolish
Papal rule…ish
Twaddle put an ending；
This a swerve is
From our Service
Plain and unpretending。〃
He； replying；
Answered； sighing；
Hawing； hemming； humming；
〃It's a pity …
They're so pritty；
Yet in mode becoming；
Mother tender；
I'll surrender …
I'll be unaffected … 〃
But his Bishop
Into HIS shop
Entered unexpected！
〃Who is this； sir； …
Ballet miss； sir？〃
Said the Bishop coldly。
〃'T is my mother；
And no other；〃
GEORGIE answered boldly。
〃Go along； sir！
You are wrong； sir；
You have years in plenty；
While this hussy
（Gracious mussy！）
Isn't two and twenty！〃
（Fairies clever
Never； never
Grow in visage older；
And the fairy；
All unwary；
Leant upon his shoulder！）
Bishop grieved him；
Disbelieved him；
GEORGE the point grew warm on；
Changed religion；
Like a pigeon； （14）
And became a Mormon！
Ballad： THE WAY OF WOOING。
A MAIDEN sat at her window wide；
Pretty enough for a Prince's bride；
Yet nobody came to claim her。
She sat like a beautiful picture there；
With pretty bluebells and roses fair；
And jasmine…leaves to frame her。
And why she sat there nobody knows；
But this she sang as she plucked a rose；
The leaves around her strewing：
〃I've time to lose and power to choose；
'T is not so much the gallant who woos；
But the gallant's WAY of wooing！〃
A lover came riding by awhile；
A wealthy lover was he； whose smile
Some maids would value greatly …
A formal lover； who bowed and bent；
With many a high…flown compliment；
And cold demeanour stately；
〃You've still；〃 said she