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once known to fail。
'After some slight delay； occasioned by the various members of the
section buttoning their pockets；
'THE PRESIDENT narrowly inspected the invention； and declared that
he had never seen a machine of more beautiful or exquisite
construction。 Would the inventor be good enough to inform the
section whether he had taken any and what means for bringing it
into general operation？
'MR。 CRINKLES stated that； after encountering some preliminary
difficulties； he had succeeded in putting himself in communication
with Mr。 Fogle Hunter； and other gentlemen connected with the swell
mob； who had awarded the invention the very highest and most
unqualified approbation。 He regretted to say； however； that these
distinguished practitioners； in common with a gentleman of the name
of Gimlet…eyed Tommy； and other members of a secondary grade of the
profession whom he was understood to represent； entertained an
insuperable objection to its being brought into general use； on the
ground that it would have the inevitable effect of almost entirely
superseding manual labour； and throwing a great number of highly…
deserving persons out of employment。
'THE PRESIDENT hoped that no such fanciful objections would be
allowed to stand in the way of such a great public improvement。
'MR。 CRINKLES hoped so too； but he feared that if the gentlemen of
the swell mob persevered in their objection； nothing could be done。
'PROFESSOR GRIME suggested； that surely； in that case； Her
Majesty's Government might be prevailed upon to take it up。
'MR。 CRINKLES said； that if the objection were found to be
insuperable he should apply to Parliament； which he thought could
not fail to recognise the utility of the invention。
'THE PRESIDENT observed that； up to this time Parliament had
certainly got on very well without it； but； as they did their
business on a very large scale； he had no doubt they would gladly
adopt the improvement。 His only fear was that the machine might be
worn out by constant working。
'MR。 COPPERNOSE called the attention of the section to a
proposition of great magnitude and interest； illustrated by a vast
number of models； and stated with much clearness and perspicuity in
a treatise entitled 〃Practical Suggestions on the necessity of
providing some harmless and wholesome relaxation for the young
noblemen of England。〃 His proposition was； that a space of ground
of not less than ten miles in length and four in breadth should be
purchased by a new company； to be incorporated by Act of
Parliament； and inclosed by a brick wall of not less than twelve
feet in height。 He proposed that it should be laid out with
highway roads； turnpikes； bridges； miniature villages； and every
object that could conduce to the comfort and glory of Four…in…hand
Clubs； so that they might be fairly presumed to require no drive
beyond it。 This delightful retreat would be fitted up with most
commodious and extensive stables； for the convenience of such of
the nobility and gentry as had a taste for ostlering； and with
houses of entertainment furnished in the most expensive and
handsome style。 It would be further provided with whole streets of
door…knockers and bell…handles of extra size； so constructed that
they could be easily wrenched off at night； and regularly screwed
on again； by attendants provided for the purpose； every day。 There
would also be gas lamps of real glass； which could be broken at a
comparatively small expense per dozen； and a broad and handsome
foot pavement for gentlemen to drive their cabriolets upon when
they were humorously disposed … for the full enjoyment of which
feat live pedestrians would be procured from the workhouse at a
very small charge per head。 The place being inclosed； and
carefully screened from the intrusion of the public； there would be
no objection to gentlemen laying aside any article of their costume
that was considered to interfere with a pleasant frolic； or；
indeed； to their walking about without any costume at all； if they
liked that better。 In short； every facility of enjoyment would be
afforded that the most gentlemanly person could possibly desire。
But as even these advantages would be incomplete unless there were
some means provided of enabling the nobility and gentry to display
their prowess when they sallied forth after dinner； and as some
inconvenience might be experienced in the event of their being
reduced to the necessity of pummelling each other； the inventor had
turned his attention to the construction of an entirely new police
force； composed exclusively of automaton figures； which； with the
assistance of the ingenious Signor Gagliardi； of Windmill…street；
in the Haymarket； he had succeeded in making with such nicety； that
a policeman； cab…driver； or old woman； made upon the principle of
the models exhibited； would walk about until knocked down like any
real man； nay； more； if set upon and beaten by six or eight
noblemen or gentlemen； after it was down； the figure would utter
divers groans； mingled with entreaties for mercy； thus rendering
the illusion complete； and the enjoyment perfect。 But the
invention did not stop even here； for station…houses would be
built； containing good beds for noblemen and gentlemen during the
night； and in the morning they would repair to a commodious police
office； where a pantomimic investigation would take place before
the automaton magistrates； … quite equal to life； … who would fine
them in so many counters； with which they would be previously
provided for the purpose。 This office would be furnished with an
inclined plane； for the convenience of any nobleman or gentleman
who might wish to bring in his horse as a witness； and the
prisoners would be at perfect liberty； as they were now； to
interrupt the complainants as much as they pleased； and to make any
remarks that they thought proper。 The charge for these amusements
would amount to very little more than they already cost； and the
inventor submitted that the public would be much benefited and
comforted by the proposed arrangement。
'PROFESSOR NOGO wished to be informed what amount of automaton
police force it was proposed to raise in the first instance。
'MR。 COPPERNOSE replied； that it was proposed to begin with seven
divisions of police of a score each； lettered from A to G
inclusive。 It was proposed that not more than half this number
should be placed on active duty； and that the remainder should be
kept on shelves in the police office ready to be called out at a
moment's notice。
'THE PRESIDENT； awarding the utmost merit to the ingenious
gentleman who had originated the idea； doubted whether the
automaton police would quite answer the purpose。 He feared that
noblemen and gentlemen would perhaps require the excitement of
thrashing living subjects。
'MR。 COPPERNOSE submitted； that as the usual odds in such cases
were ten noblemen or gentlem