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PHYL。 Oh； then； my darling！ （to Lord Mountararat）。 My own！
（to Lord Tolloller）。 Well； have you settled which it's to be？
LORD TOLL。 Not altogether。 It's a difficult position。 It
would be hardly delicate to toss up。 On the whole we would rather
leave it to you。
PHYL。 How can it possibly concern me？ You are both EarIs；
and you are both rich； and you are both plain。
LORD MOUNT。 So we are。 At least I am。
LORD TOLL。 So am I。
LORD MOUNT。 No； no！
LORD TOLL。 I am indeed。 Very plain。
LORD MOUNT。 Well； wellperhaps you are。
PHYL。 There's really nothing to choose between you。 If one
of you would forgo his title； and distribute his estates among his
Irish tenantry； why； then； I should then see a reason for accepting
the other。
LORD MOUNT。 Tolloller； are you prepared to make this
sacrifice？
LORD TOLL。 No！
LORD MOUNT。 Not even to oblige a lady？
LORD TOLL。 No！ not even to oblige a lady。
LORD MOUNT。 Then； the only question is； which of us shall
give way to the other？ Perhaps； on the whole； she would be happier
with me。 I don't know。 I may be wrong。
LORD TOLL。 No。 I don't know that you are。 I really believe
she would。 But the awkward part of the thing is that if you rob me
of the girl of my heart； we must fight； and one of us must die。
It's a family tradition that I have sworn to respect。 It's a
painful position； for I have a very strong regard for you； George。
LORD MOUNT。 （much affected）。 My dear Thomas！
LORD TOLL。 You are very dear to me； George。 We were boys
togetherat least I was。 If I were to survive you； my existence
would be hopelessly embittered。
LORD MOUNT。 Then； my dear Thomas； you must not do it。 I say
it again and againif it will have this effect upon you； you must
not do it。 No； no。 If one of us is to destroy the other； let it
be me！
LORD TOLL。 No； no！
LORD MOUNT。 Ah； yes！by our boyish friendship I implore you！
LORD TOLL。 （much moved）。 Well； well； be it so。 But；
nono！I cannot consent to an act which would crush you with
unavaillng remorse。
LORD MOUNT。 But it would not do so。 I should be very sad at
firstoh； who would not be？but it would wear off。 I like you
very muchbut not； perhaps； as much as you like me。
LORD TOLL。 George； you're a noble fellow； but that tell…tale
tear betrays you。 No； George； you are very fond of me； and I
cannot consent to give you a week's uneasiness on my account。
LORD MOUNT。 But； dear Thomas； it would not last a week！
Remember； you lead the House of Lords！ On your demise I shall take
your place！ Oh； Thomas； it would not last a day！
PHYL。 （coming down）。 Now； I do hope you're not going to fight
about me； because it's really not worth while。
LORD TOLL。 （looking at her）。 Well； I don't believe it is！
LORD MOUNT。 Nor I。 The sacred ties of Friendship are
paramount。
QUARTETLORD MOUNTARARAT；
LORD TOLLOLLER； PHYLLIS； and PRIVATE WILLIS。
LORD TOLL。 Though p'r'aps I may incur your blame；
The things are few
I would not do
In Friendship's name！
LORD MOUNT。 And I may say I think the same；
Not even love
Should rank above
True Friendship's name！
PHYL。 Then free me； pray； be mine the blame；
Forget your craze
And go your ways
In Friendship's name！
ALL。 Oh； many a man； in Friendship's name；
Has yielded fortune； rank； and fame！
But no one yet； in the world so wide；
Has yielded up a promised bride！
WILLIS。 Accept； O Friendship； all the same；
ALL。 This sacrifice to thy dear name！
（Exeunt Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller； lovingly； in one
direction； and Phyllis in another。 Exit Sentry。）
（Enter Lord Chancellor； very miserable。）
RECITATIVELORD CHANCELLOR。
Love； unrequited； robs me of my rest：
Love； hopeless love； my ardent soul encumbers：
Love； nightmare…like； lies heavy on my chest；
And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers！
SONGLORD CHANCELLOR。
When you're lying awake with a dismal headache； and repose is
taboo'd by anxiety；
I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in；
without impropriety；
For your brain is on firethe bedclothes conspire of usual
slumber to plunder you：
First your counterpane goes； and uncovers your toes； and your
sheet slips demurely from under you；
Then the blanketing ticklesyou feel like mixed picklesso
terribly sharp is the pricking；
And you're hot； and you're cross； and you tumble and toss till
there's nothing 'twixt you and the ticking。
Then the bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap； and you
pick 'em all up in a tangle；
Next your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain at its
usual angle！
Well； you get some repose in the form of a doze； with hot
eye…balls and head ever aching。
But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that you'd
very much better be waking；
For you dream you are crossing the Channel； and tossing about in
a steamer from Harwich
Which is something between a large bathing machine and a very
small second…class carriage
And you're giving a treat （penny ice and cold meat） to a party of
friends and relations
They're a ravenous hordeand they all came on board at Sloane
Square and South Kensington Stations。
And bound on that journey you find your attorney （who started that
morning from Devon）；
He's a bit undersized； and you don't feel surprised when he tells
you he's only eleven。
Well； you're driving like mad with this singular lad （by the by；
the ship's now a four…wheeler）；
And you're playing round games； and he calls you bad names when
you tell him that 〃ties pay the dealer〃；
But this you can't stand； so you throw up your hand； and you find
you're as cold as an icicle；
In your shirt and your socks （the black silk with gold clocks）；
crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle：
And he and the crew are on bicycles toowhich they've somehow or
other invested in
And he's telling the tars all the particulars of a company he's
interested in
It's a scheme of devices； to get at low prices all goods from
cough mixtures to cables
（Which tickled the sailors）； by treating retailers as though they
were all vegetables
You get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman （first take
off his boots with a boot…tree）；
And his legs will take root； and his fingers will shoot； and
they'll blossom and bud like a fruit…tree
From the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea；
cauliflower； pineapple； and cranberr