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may drive a gimlet？ See； I am a salaried wit； and is
there aught in nature more ridiculous？ A poor； dull；
heart…broken man； who must needs be merry； or he will
be whipped； who must rejoice； lest he starve； who must
jest you； jibe you； quip you； crank you； wrack you；
riddle you； from hour to hour； from day to day； from
year to year； lest he dwindle； perish； starve；
pine；and die！ Why； when there's naught else to laugh
at； I laugh at myself till I ache for it！
WILFRED Yet I have often thought that a jester's calling would
suit me to a hair。
POINT Thee？ Would suit thee； thou death's head and cross…
bones？
WILFRED Aye； I have a pretty wit a light； airy； joysome wit；
spiced with anecdotes of prison cells and the torture
chamber。 Oh； a very delicate wit！ I have tried it on
many a prisoner； and there have been some who smiled。
Now it is not easy to make a prisoner smile。 And it
should not be difficult to be a good jester； seeing
that thou are one。
POINT Difficult？ Nothing easier。 Nothing easier。 Attend； and
I will prove it to thee！
No。 14。 Oh！ a private buffoon is a light…hearted loon
（SONG）
Point
POINT Oh！ a private buffoon is a light…hearted loon；
If you listen to popular rumour；
From morning to night he's so joyous and bright；
And he bubbles with wit and good humour！
He's so quaint and so terse；
Both in prose and in verse；
Yet though people forgive his transgression；
There are one or two rules that all family fools
Must observe； if they love their profession。
There are one or two rules；
Half…a…dozen； maybe；
That all family fools；
Of whatever degree；
Must observe if they love their profession。
If you wish to succeed as a jester； you'll need
To consider each person's auricular：
What is all right for B would quite scandalize C
（For C is so very particular）；
And D may be dull； and E's very thick skull
Is as empty of brains as a ladle；
While F is F sharp； and will cry with a carp；
That he's known your best joke from his cradle！
When your humour they flout；
You can't let yourself go；
And it does put you out
When a person says； 〃Oh！
I have known that old joke from my cradle！〃
If your master is surly； from getting up early
（And tempers are short in the morning）；
An inopportune joke is enough to provoke
Him to give you； at once； a month's warning。
Then if you refrain； he is at you again；
For he likes to get value for money：
He'll ask then and there； with an insolent stare；
〃If you know that you're paid to be funny？〃
It adds to the tasks
Of a merryman's place；
When your principal asks；
With a scowl on his face；
If you know that you're paid to be funny？
Comes a Bishop； maybe； or a solemn D。D。
Oh； beware of his anger provoking！
Better not pull his hair
Don't stick pins in his chair；
He won't understand practical joking。
If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack；
You may get a bland smile from these sages；
But should it； by chance； be imported from France；
Half…a…crown is stopped out of your wages！
It's a general rule；
Tho' your zeal it may quench；
If the Family Fool
Makes a joke that's too French；
Half…a…crown is stopped out of his wages！
Though your head it may rack with a bilious attack；
And your senses with toothache you're losing；
And you're mopy and flat
they don't fine you for that
If you're properly quaint and amusing！
Though your wife ran away with a soldier that day；
And took with her your trifle of money；
Bless your heart； they don't mind
they're exceedingly kind
They don't blame youas long as you're funny！
It's a comfort to feel
If your partner should flit；
Though you suffer a deal；
They don't mind it a bit
They don't blame youso long as you're funny！
POINT And so thou wouldst be a jester eh？
WILFRED Aye！
POINT Now； listen！ My sweetheart； Elsie Maynard； was
secretly wed to this Fairfax half an hour ere he
escaped。
WILFRED She did well。
POINT She did nothing of the kind； so hold thy peace and
perpend。 Now； while he liveth she is dead to me and I
to her； and so； my jibes and jokes notwithstanding； I
am the saddest and the sorriest dog in England！
WILFRED Thou art a very dull dog indeed。
POINT Now； if thou wilt swear that thou didst shoot this
Fairfax while he was trying to swim across the river
it needs but the discharge of an arquebus on a dark
night and that he sank and was seen no more； I'll
make thee the very Archbishop of jesters； and that in
two days'time！ Now； what sayest thou？
WILFRED I am to lie？
POINT Heartily。 But thy lie must be a lie of circumstance；
which I will support with the testimony of eyes；
ears；and tongue。
WILFRED And thou wilt qualify me as a jester？
POINT As a jester among jesters。 I will teach thee all my
original songs； my self…constructed riddles； my own
ingenious paradoxes； nay； more； I will reveal to thee
the source whence I get them。 Now； what sayest thou？
WILFRED Why； if it be but a lie thou wantest of me； I hold it
cheap enough； and I say yes； it is a bargain！
No。 15。 Hereupon we're both agreed
（DUET）
Point and Wilfred
BOTH Hereupon we're both agreed；
All that we two
Do agree to
We'll secure by solemn deed；
To prevent all
Erro