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money； shishka ＇Bump or swelling。＇ （on pronouncing which one had
to join one's fingers together； and to put a particular emphasis
upon the two sh's in the word） meant anything fresh； healthy； and
comely； but not elegant； a substantive used in the plural meant
an undue partiality for the object which it denoted； and so
forth； and so forth。 At the same time； the meaning depended
considerably upon the expression of the face and the context of
the conversation； so that； no matter what new expression one of
us might invent to define a shade of feeling the other could
immediately understand it by a hint alone。 The girls did not
share this faculty of apprehension； and herein lay the chief
cause of our moral estrangement； and of the contempt which we
felt for them。
It may be that they too had their 〃apprehension；〃 but it so
little ran with ours that； where we already perceived the
〃phrasing；〃 they still saw only the feelingour irony was for
them truth； and so on。 At that time I had not yet learnt to
understand that they were in no way to blame for this； and that
absence of such apprehension in no way prevented them from being
good and clever girls。 Accordingly I looked down upon them。
Moreover； having once lit upon my precious idea of 〃frankness；〃
and being bent upon applying it to the full in myself； I thought
the quiet； confiding nature of Lubotshka guilty of secretiveness
and dissimulation simply because she saw no necessity for digging
up and examining all her thoughts and instincts。 For instance；
the fact that she always signed the sign of the cross over Papa
before going to bed； that she and Katenka invariably wept in
church when attending requiem masses for Mamma； and that Katenka
sighed and rolled her eyes about when playing the pianoall
these things seemed to me sheer make…believe； and I asked myself：
〃At what period did they learn to pretend like grown…up people；
and how can they bring themselves to do it？〃
XXX
HOW I EMPLOYED MY TIME
Nevertheless； the fact that that summer I developed a passion for
music caused me to become better friends with the ladies of our
household than I had been for years。 In the spring； a young fellow
came to see us； armed with a letter of introduction； who； as soon
as ever he entered the drawing…room； fixed his eyes upon the
piano； and kept gradually edging his chair closer to it as he
talked to Mimi and Katenka。 After discoursing awhile of the
weather and the amenities of country life； he skilfully directed
the conversation to piano…tuners； music； and pianos generally；
and ended by saying that he himself playedand in truth he did
sit down and perform three waltzes； with Mimi； Lubotshka； and
Katenka grouped about the instrument； and watching him as he did
so。 He never came to see us again； but his playing； and his
attitude when at the piano； and the way in which he kept shaking
his long hair； and； most of all； the manner in which he was able
to execute octaves with his left hand as he first of all played
them rapidly with his thumb and little finger； and then slowly
closed those members； and then played the octaves afresh； made a
great impression upon me。 This graceful gesture of his； together
with his easy pose and his shaking of hair and successful winning
of the ladies' applause by his talent； ended by firing me to take
up the piano。 Convinced that I possessed both talent and a
passion for music； I set myself to learn； and； in doing so； acted
just as millions of the malestill more； of the femalesex have
done who try to teach themselves without a skilled instructor；
without any real turn for the art； or without the smallest
understanding either of what the art can give or of what ought to
be done to obtain that gift。 For me music （or rather； piano…
playing） was simply a means of winning the ladies' good graces
through their sensibility。 With the help of Katenka I first
learnt the notes （incidentally breaking several of them with my
clumsy fingers）； and thenthat is to say； after two months of
hard work； supplemented by ceaseless twiddling of my rebellious
fingers on my knees after luncheon； and on the pillow when in
bedwent on to 〃pieces；〃 which I played （so Katenka assured me）
with 〃soul〃 （〃avec ame〃）； but altogether regardless of time。
My range of pieces was the usual onewaltzes； galops；
〃romances；〃 〃arrangements；〃 etcetera； all of them of the class of
delightful compositions of which any one with a little healthy
taste could point out a selection among the better class works
contained in any volume of music and say； 〃These are what you
ought NOT to play； seeing that anything worse； less tasteful； and
more silly has never yet been included in any collection of
music；〃but which （probably for that very reason） are to be
found on the piano of every Russian lady。 True； we also possessed
an unfortunate volume which contained Beethoven's 〃Sonate
Pathetique〃 and the C minor Sonata （a volume lamed for life by
the ladiesmore especially by Lubotshka； who used to discourse
music from it in memory of Mamma）； as well as certain other good
pieces which her teacher in Moscow had given her； but among that
collection there were likewise compositions of the teacher's own；
in the shape of clumsy marches and galopsand these too
Lubotshka used to play！ Katenka and I cared nothing for serious
works； but preferred； above all things； 〃Le Fou〃 and 〃The
Nightingale〃the latter of which Katenka would play until her
fingers almost became invisible； and which I too was beginning
to execute with much vigour and some continuity。 I had adopted the
gestures of the young man of whom I have spoken； and frequently
regretted that there were no strangers present to see me play。
Soon； however； I began to realise that Liszt and Kalkbrenner were
beyond me； and that I should never overtake Katenka。
Accordingly； imagining that classical music was easier （as well
as； partly； for the sake of originality）； I suddenly came to the
conclusion that I loved abstruse German music。 I began to go into
raptures whenever Lubotshka played the 〃Sonate Pathetique；〃 and
although （if the truth be told） that work had for years driven me
to the verge of distraction； I set myself to play Beethoven； and
to talk of him as 〃Beethoven。〃 Yet through all this chopping and
changing and pretence （as I now conceive） there may have run in
me a certain vein of talent； since music sometimes affected me
even to tears； and things which particularly pleased me I could
strum on the piano afterwards （in a certain fashion） without the
score； so that； had any one taught me at that period to look upon
music as an end； a grace； in itself； and not merely as a means
for pleasing womenfolk with the velocity and pseudo…sentiment of
one's playing； I might possibly have become a passable musician。
The reading of French novels （of which Woloda had brought
a large store with him from Moscow） was another of my amusements
that summer。 At