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me anything at all about anything you like？〃
〃About what？〃 says Tom。
〃About anything you like； for as fast as I learn things I forget them again。 So my mamma says that my intellect is not adapted for methodic science； and says that I must go in for general information。〃
Tom told him that he did not know general information； nor any officers in the army； only he had a friend once that went for a drummer： but he could tell him a great many strange things which he had seen in his travels。
So he told him prettily enough； while the poor turnip listened very carefully； and the more he listened； the more he forgot； and the more water ran out of him。
Tom thought he was crying： but it was only his poor brains running away； from being worked so hard； and as Tom talked； the unhappy turnip streamed down all over with juice； and split and shrank till nothing was left of him but rind and water； whereat Tom ran away in a fright； for he thought he might be taken up for killing the turnip。
But； on the contrary； the turnip's parents were highly delighted； and considered him a saint and a martyr； and put up a long inscription over his tomb about his wonderful talents； early development； and unparalleled precocity。 Were they not a foolish couple？ But there was a still more foolish couple next to them； who were beating a wretched little radish； no bigger than my thumb； for sullenness and obstinacy and wilful stupidity； and never knew that the reason why it couldn't learn or hardly even speak was； that there was a great worm inside it eating out all its brains。 But even they are no foolisher than some hundred score of papas and mammas； who fetch the rod when they ought to fetch a new toy； and send to the dark cupboard instead of to the doctor。
Tom was so puzzled and frightened with all he saw； that he was longing to ask the meaning of it； and at last he stumbled over a respectable old stick lying half covered with earth。 But a very stout and worthy stick it was； for it belonged to good Roger Ascham in old time； and had carved on its head King Edward the Sixth； with the Bible in his hand。
〃You see；〃 said the stick； 〃there were as pretty little children once as you could wish to see； and might have been so still if they had been only left to grow up like human beings； and then handed over to me； but their foolish fathers and mothers； instead of letting them pick flowers； and make dirt…pies； and get birds' nests； and dance round the gooseberry bush； as little children should； kept them always at lessons； working； working； working； learning week…day lessons all week…days； and Sunday lessons all Sunday； and weekly examinations every Saturday； and monthly examinations every month； and yearly examinations every year； everything seven times over； as if once was not enough； and enough as good as a feast … till their brains grew big； and their bodies grew small； and they were all changed into turnips； with little but water inside； and still their foolish parents actually pick the leaves off them as fast as they grow； lest they should have anything green about them。〃
〃Ah！〃 said Tom； 〃if dear Mrs。 Doasyouwouldbedoneby knew of it she would send them a lot of tops； and balls； and marbles； and ninepins； and make them all as jolly as sand…boys。〃
〃It would be no use；〃 said the stick。 〃They can't play now； if they tried。 Don't you see how their legs have turned to roots and grown into the ground； by never taking any exercise； but sapping and moping always in the same place？ But here comes the Examiner… of…all…Examiners。 So you had better get away； I warn you； or he will examine you and your dog into the bargain； and set him to examine all the other dogs； and you to examine all the other water… babies。 There is no escaping out of his hands； for his nose is nine thousand miles long； and can go down chimneys； and through keyholes； upstairs； downstairs； in my lady's chamber； examining all little boys； and the little boys' tutors likewise。 But when he is thrashed … so Mrs。 Bedonebyasyoudid has promised me … I shall have the thrashing of him： and if I don't lay it on with a will it's a pity。〃
Tom went off： but rather slowly and surlily； for he was somewhat minded to face this same Examiner…of…all…Examiners； who came striding among the poor turnips； binding heavy burdens and grievous to be borne； and laying them on little children's shoulders； like the Scribes and Pharisees of old； and not touching the same with one of his fingers； for he had plenty of money； and a fine house to live in； and so forth； which was more than the poor little turnips had。
But when he got near； he looked so big and burly and dictatorial； and shouted so loud to Tom； to come and be examined； that Tom ran for his life； and the dog too。 And really it was time； for the poor turnips； in their hurry and fright； crammed themselves so fast to be ready for the Examiner； that they burst and popped by dozens all round him； till the place sounded like Aldershot on a field… day； and Tom thought he should be blown into the air； dog and all。
As he went down to the shore he passed the poor turnip's new tomb。 But Mrs。 Bedonebyasyoudid had taken away the epitaph about talents and precocity and development； and put up one of her own instead which Tom thought much more sensible：…
〃Instruction sore long time I bore； And cramming was in vain； Till heaven did please my woes to ease With water on the brain。〃
So Tom jumped into the sea； and swam on his way； singing：…
〃Farewell； Tomtoddies all； I thank my stars That nought I know save those three royal r's： Reading and riting sure； with rithmetick； Will help a lad of sense through thin and thick。〃
Whereby you may see that Tom was no poet： but no more was John Bunyan； though he was as wise a man as you will meet in a month of Sundays。
And next he came to Oldwivesfabledom； where the folks were all heathens； and worshipped a howling ape。 And there he found a little boy sitting in the middle of the road； and crying bitterly。
〃What are you crying for？〃 said Tom。
〃Because I am not as frightened as I could wish to be。〃
〃Not frightened？ You are a queer little chap： but； if you want to be frightened； here goes … Boo！〃
〃Ah；〃 said the little boy； 〃that is very kind of you； but I don't feel that it has made any impression。〃
Tom offered to upset him； punch him； stamp on him； fettle him over the head with a brick； or anything else whatsoever which would give him the slightest comfort。
But he only thanked Tom very civilly； in fine long words which he had heard other folk use； and which therefore； he thought were fit and proper to use himself； and cried on till his papa and mamma came； and sent off for the Powwow man immediately。 And a very good…natured gentleman and lady they were； though they were heathens； and talked quite pleasantly to Tom about his travels； till the Powwow man arrived； with his thunderbox under his arm。
And a well…fed； ill…favoured gentleman he was； as ever served Her Majesty at Portland。 Tom was a little frightened at first； for he thought it was Grimes。 But he soon saw his mistake： for Grimes always looked a man in the face； and this fellow never did。 And when he