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the time。 Such a sheep deserves to be slaughtered。 Let the man whom I
deign to love beware how he thinks of anything but loving me！
For my part； I like those long trials of the old…fashioned chivalry。
That lout of a young lord； who took offence because his sovereign…lady
sent him down among the lions to fetch her glove； was； in my opinion；
very impertinent； and a fool too。 Doubtless the lady had in reserve
for him some exquisite flower of love； which he lost； as he well
deservedthe puppy！
But here am I running on as though I had not a great piece of news to
tell you。 My father is certainly going to represent our master the
King at Madrid。 I say /our/ master； for I shall make part of the
embassy。 My mother wishes to remain here； and my father will take me
so as to have some woman with him。
My dear； this seems to you； no doubt； very simple； but there are
horrors behind it； all the same： in a fortnight I have probed the
secrets of the house。 My mother would accompany my father to Madrid if
he would take M。 de Canalis as a secretary to the embassy。 But the
King appoints the secretaries； the Duke dare neither annoy the King；
who hates to be opposed； nor vex my mother； and the wily diplomat
believes he has cut the knot by leaving the Duchess here。 M。 de
Canalis； who is the great poet of the day； is the young man who
cultivates my mother's society； and who no doubt studies diplomacy
with her from three o'clock to five。 Diplomacy must be a fine subject；
for he is as regular as a gambler on the Stock Exchange。
The Duc de Rhetore； our elder brother； solemn； cold； and whimsical；
would be extinguished by his father at Madrid； therefore he remains in
Paris。 Miss Griffith has found out also that Alphonse is in love with
a ballet…girl at the Opera。 How is it possible to fall in love with
legs and pirouettes？ We have noticed that my brother comes to the
theatre only when Tullia dances there； he applauds the steps of this
creature； and then goes out。 Two ballet…girls in a family are； I
fancy； more destructive than the plague。 My second brother is with his
regiment； and I have not yet seen him。 Thus it comes about that I have
to act as the Antigone of His Majesty's ambassador。 Perhaps I may get
married in Spain； and perhaps my father's idea is a marriage there
without dowry； after the pattern of yours with this broken…down guard
of honor。 My father asked if I would go with him； and offered me the
use of his Spanish master。
〃Spain； the country for castles in the air！〃 I cried。 〃Perhaps you
hope that it may mean marriages for me！〃
For sole reply he honored me with a meaning look。 For some days he has
amused himself with teasing me at lunch； he watches me； and I
dissemble。 In this way I have played with him cruelly as father and
ambassador /in petto/。 Hadn't he taken me for a fool？ He asked me what
I thought of this and that young man； and of some girls whom I had met
in several houses。 I replied with quite inane remarks on the color of
their hair； their faces； and the difference in their figures。 My
father seemed disappointed at my crassness； and inwardly blamed
himself for having asked me。
〃Still； father；〃 I added； 〃don't suppose I am saying what I really
think： mother made me afraid the other day that I had spoken more
frankly than I ought of my impressions。〃
〃With your family you can speak quite freely；〃 my mother replied。
〃Very well； then；〃 I went on。 〃The young men I have met so far strike
me as too self…centered to excite interest in others； they are much
more taken up with themselves than with their company。 They can't be
accused of lack of candor at any rate。 They put on a certain
expression to talk to us； and drop it again in a moment； apparently
satisfied that we don't use our eyes。 The man as he converses is the
lover； silent； he is the husband。 The girls； again； are so artificial
that it is impossible to know what they really are； except from the
way they dance； their figures and movements alone are not a sham。 But
what has alarmed me most in this fashionable society is its brutality。
The little incidents which take place when supper is announced give
one some ideato compare small things with greatof what a popular
rising might be。 Courtesy is only a thin veneer on the general
selfishness。 I imagined society very different。 Women count for little
in it； that may perhaps be a survival of Bonapartist ideas。〃
〃Armande is coming on extraordinarily；〃 said my mother。
〃Mother； did you think I should never get beyond asking to see Mme。 de
Stael？〃
My father smiled； and rose from the table。
Saturday。
My dear； I have left one thing out。 Here is the tidbit I have reserved
for you。 The love which we pictured must be extremely well hidden； I
have seen not a trace of it。 True； I have caught in drawing…rooms now
and again a quick exchange of glances； but how colorless it all is！
Love； as we imagined it； a world of wonders； of glorious dreams； of
charming realities； of sorrows that waken sympathy； and smiles that
make sunshine； does not exist。 The bewitching words； the constant
interchange of happiness； the misery of absence； the flood of joy at
the presence of the beloved onewhere are they？ What soil produces
these radiant flowers of the soul？ Which is wrong？ We or the world？
I have already seen hundreds of men； young and middle…aged； not one
has stirred the least feeling in me。 No proof of admiration and
devotion on their part； not even a sword drawn in my behalf； would
have moved me。 Love； dear； is the product of such rare conditions that
it is quite possible to live a lifetime without coming across the
being on whom nature has bestowed the power of making one's happiness。
The thought is enough to make one shudder； for if this being is found
too late； what then？
For some days I have begun to tremble when I think of the destiny of
women； and to understand why so many wear a sad face beneath the flush
brought by the unnatural excitement of social dissipation。 Marriage is
a mere matter of chance。 Look at yours。 A storm of wild thoughts has
passed over my mind。 To be loved every day the same； yet with a
difference； to be loved as much after ten years of happiness as on the
first day！such a love demands years。 The lover must be allowed to
languish； curiosity must be piqued and satisfied； feeling roused and
responded to。
Is there； then； a law for the inner fruits of the heart； as there is
for the visible fruits of nature？ Can joy be made lasting？ In what
proportion should love mingle tears with pleasures？ The cold policy of
the funereal； monotonous； persistent routine of the convent seemed to
me at these moments the only real life； while the wealth； the
splendor； the tears； the delights； the triumph； the joy； the
satisfaction； of a love equal； shared； and sanctioned； appeared a mere
idle vision。
I see no room in this city for the gentle ways of love； for precious
walks in shady alleys； the full moon sparkling on the water； while the
suppliant pleads in vain。 Rich； young； and beautiful； I have only to
love； and love would become my sole occupation； my life； yet in the
three months during which I have come and gone