按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
family the moment we encountered him。＇ Me child； there's more
sunshine than clouds for ye； and send all your friends up here。
〃A word before you goes。 Expose not yourself。 Your eyes is saller；
which is on accounts of bile on your systim。 Some don't have bile
on to their systims which their eyes is not saller。 This bile
ascends down on to you from many generations which is in their
graves； and peace to their ashes。〃
MADAME CROMPTON。
We then proceeded directly to Madame Crompton； the other fortune…
teller。
Below is her bill：
MADAME R。 CROMPTON；
The World…Renowned Fortune…Teller and
Astrologist。
Madame Crompton begs leave to inform the citizens of Cleveland
and vicinity that she has taken rooms at the
FARMERS' ST CLAIR HOUSE；
Corner of St Clair and Water Streets；
Where she may be consulted on all matters pertaining to
Past and Future Events。
Also giving Information of Absent friends； whether
Living or Dead。
P。S。Persons having lost or having property stolen of any kind；
will do well to give her a call； as she will describe the person or
persons with such accuracy as will astonish the most devout critic。
Terms Reasonable。
She has rooms at the Farmers' Hotel； as stated in the bill above。
She was driving an extensive business； and we were forced to wait
half an hour or so for a chance to see her。 Madame Crompton is of
the English persuasion； and has evidently searched many long years
in vain for her H。 She is small in stature； but considerably
inclined to corpulency； and her red round face is continually
wreathed in smiles； reminding one of a new tin pan basking in the
noonday sun。 She took a greasy pack of common playing cards； and
requested us to 〃cut them in three；〃 which we did。 She spread them
out before her on the table； and said：
〃Sir to you which I speaks。 You 'av been terrible crossed in love；
and your 'art 'as been much panged。 But you'll get over it and
marry a light complected gale with rayther reddish 'air。 Before
some time you'll have a legercy fall down on to you； mostly in
solick Jold。 There may be a lawsuit about it； and you may be
sup…prisoned as a witnesses； but you'll git itmostly in solick
Jold； which you will keep in chists； and you must look out for them。
＇We said we would keep a skinned optic on 〃them chists。〃＇ You 'as a
enemy； and he's a lightish man。 He wants to defraud you out of your
'onesty。 He is tellink lies about you now in the 'opes of crushin
yourself。 ＇A weak invention of 〃the opposition。〃＇ You never did
nothin bad。 Your 'art is right。 You 'ave a great taste for hosses
and like to stay with 'em。 Mister to you I sez： Gard aginst the
lightish man and all will be well。〃
The supernatural being then took an oval…shaped chunk of glass
（which she called a stone） and requested us to 〃hang on to it。〃 She
looked into it and said：
〃If you're not keerful when you git your money； you'll lose it； but
which otherwise you will not； and fifty cents is as cheap as I kin
afford to tell anybody's fortune； and no great shakes made then。〃
1。46。 FROM A HOMELY MAN。
Dear Plain Dealer；I am a plain man； and there is a melancholy
fitness in my unbosoming my sufferings to the 〃Plain〃 Dealer。 Plain
as you may be in your dealings； however； I am convinced you never
before had to DEAL with a correspondent so hopelessly plain as I。
Yet plain don't half express my looks。 Indeed I doubt very much
whether any word in the English language could be found to convey an
adequate idea on my absolute and utter homeliness。 The dates in the
old family Bible show that I am in the decline of life； but I cannot
recall a period in my existence when I felt really young。 My very
infancy； those brief months when babes prattle joyously and know
nothing of care； was darkened by a shadowy presentiment of what I
was to endure through life； and my youth was rendered dismal by
continued repetitions of a fact painfully evident 〃on the face of
it；〃 that the boy was growing homelier and homelier every day。
Memory； that with other people recalls so much that is sweet and
pleasant to think of in connection with their youth； with me brings
up nothing but mortification； bitter tears； I had almost said
curses； on my solitary and homely lot。 I have wisheda thousand
times wishedthat Memory had never consented to take a seat 〃in
this distracted globe。〃
You have heard of a man so homely that he couldn't sleep nights； his
face ached so。 Mr。 Editor； I am that melancholy individual。
Whoever perpetrated the jokefor joke it was no doubt intended to
beknew not how much truth he was uttering； or how bitterly the
idle squib would rankle in the heart of one suffering man。 Many and
many a night have I in my childhood laid awake thinking of my
homeliness； and as the moonlight has streamed in at the window and
fell upon the handsome and placid features of my little brother
slumbering at my side； Heaven forgive me for the wicked thought； but
I have felt an almost unconquerable impulse to forever disfigure and
mar that sweet upturned innocent face that smiled and looked so
beautiful in sleep； for it was ever reminding me of the curse I was
doomed to carry about me。 Many and many a night have I got up in my
nightdress； and lighting my little lamp； sat for hours gazing at my
terrible ugliness of face reflected in the mirror； drawn to it by a
cruel fascination which it was impossible for me to resist。
I need not tell you that I am a single man； and yet I have had what
men call affairs of the heart。 I have known what it is to worship
the heart's embodiment of female loveliness； and purity； and truth；
but it was generally at a distance entirely safe to the object of my
adoration。 Being of a susceptible nature； I was continually falling
in love； but never； save with one single exception； did I venture to
declare my flame。 I saw my heart's palpitator walking in a grove。
Moved by my consuming love； I rushed towards her； and throwing
myself at her feet began to pour forth the long…pent…up emotions of
my heart。 She gave one look and then
〃Shrieked till all the rocks replied；〃
at least you'd thought they replied if you had seen me leave that
grove with a speed greatly accelerated by a shower of rocks from the
hands of an enraged brother； who was at hand。 That prepossessing
young lady is now slowly recovering her reason in an institution for
the insane。
Of my further troubles I may perhaps inform you at some future time。
Homely Man。
1。47。 THE ELEPHANT。
Some two years since； on the strength of what we regarded as
reliable information； we announced the death of the elephant
Hannibal； at Canton； and accompanied the announcement with a short
sketch of that remarkable animal。 We happened to be familiar with
several interesting incidents in the private life of Hannibal； and
our sketch was copied by almost every