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the little white bird-第11章

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read shame in the sweet face of Mary A。  Had I crossed to her

and pronounced her name I think it would have felled her; and yet

she remained there; waiting。  I; too; was waiting for him;

wondering if this was the man; or this; or this; and I believe I

clutched my stick。



Did I suspect Mary?  Oh; surely not for a moment of time。  But

there was some foolishness here; she was come without the

knowledge of her husband; as her furtive manner indicated; to a

meeting she dreaded and was ashamed to tell him of; she was come

into danger; then it must be to save; not herself but him; the

folly to be concealed could never have been Mary's。  Yet what

could have happened in the past of that honest boy from the

consequences of which she might shield him by skulking here?

Could that laugh of his have survived a dishonour?  The open

forehead; the curly locks; the pleasant smile; the hundred

ingratiating ways which we carry with us out of childhood; they

may all remain when the innocence has fled; but surely the laugh

of the morning of life must go。  I have never known the devil

retain his grip on that。



But Mary was still waiting。  She was no longer beautiful; shame

had possession of her face; she was an ugly woman。  Then the

entanglement was her husband's; and I cursed him for it。  But

without conviction; for; after all; what did I know of women?  I

have some distant memories of them; some vain inventions。  But of

menI have known one man indifferent well for over forty years;

have exulted in him (odd to think of it); shuddered at him;

wearied of him; been willing (God forgive me) to jog along with

him tolerantly long after I have found him out; I know something

of men; and; on my soul; boy; I believe I am wronging you。



Then Mary is here for some innocent purpose; to do a good deed

that were better undone; as it so scares her。  Turn back; you

foolish; soft heart; and I shall say no more about it。  Obstinate

one; you saw the look on your husband's face as he left you。  It

is the studio light by which he paints and still sees to hope;

despite all the disappointments of his not ignoble ambitions。

That light is the dower you brought him; and he is a wealthy man

if it does not flicker。



So anxious to be gone; and yet she would not go。  Several times

she made little darts; as if at last resolved to escape from that

detestable street; and faltered and returned like a bird to the

weasel。  Again she looked at her watch and kissed it。



Oh; Mary; take flight。  What madness is this?  Woman; be gone。



Suddenly she was gone。  With one mighty effort and a last

terrified look round; she popped into a pawnshop。



Long before she emerged I understood it all; I think even as the

door rang and closed on her; why the timid soul had sought a

street where she was unknown; why she crept so many times past

that abhorred shop before desperately venturing in; why she

looked so often at the watch she might never see again。  So

desperately cumbered was Mary to keep her little house over her

head; and yet the brave heart was retaining a smiling face for

her husband; who must not even know where her little treasures

were going。



It must seem monstrously cruel of me; but I was now quite light…

hearted again。  Even when Mary fled from the shop where she had

left her watch; and I had peace of mind to note how thin and worn

she had become; as if her baby was grown too big for her slight

arms; even then I was light…hearted。  Without attempting to

follow her; I sauntered homeward humming a snatch of song with a

great deal of fal…de…lal…de…riddle…o in it; for I can never

remember words。  I saw her enter another shop; baby linen shop or

some nonsense of that sort; so it was plain for what she had

popped her watch; but what cared I?  I continued to sing most

beautifully。  I lunged gayly with my stick at a lamp…post and

missed it; whereat a street…urchin grinned; and I winked at him

and slipped twopence down his back。







I presume I would have chosen the easy way had time been given

me; but fate willed that I should meet the husband on his

homeward journey; and his first remark inspired me to a folly。



〃How is Timothy?〃 he asked; and the question opened a way so

attractive that I think no one whose dull life craves for colour

could have resisted it。



〃He is no more;〃 I replied impulsively。



The painter was so startled that he gave utterance to a very oath

of pity; and I felt a sinking myself; for in these hasty words my

little boy was gone; indeed; all my bright dreams of Timothy; all

my efforts to shelter him from Mary's scorn; went whistling down

the wind。





VII



The Last of Timothy



So accomplished a person as the reader must have seen at once

that I made away with Timothy in order to give his little vests

and pinafores and shoes to David; and; therefore; dear sir or

madam; rail not overmuch at me for causing our painter pain。 

Know; too; that though his sympathy ran free I soon discovered

many of his inquiries to be prompted by a mere selfish desire to

save his boy from the fate of mine。  Such are parents。



He asked compassionately if there was anything he could do for

me; and; of course; there was something he could do; but were I

to propose it I doubted not he would be on his stilts at once;

for already I had reason to know him for a haughty; sensitive

dog; who ever became high at the first hint of help。  So the

proposal must come from him。  I spoke of the many little things

in the house that were now hurtful to me to look upon; and he

clutched my hand; deeply moved; though it was another house with

its little things he saw。  I was ashamed to harass him thus; but

he had not a sufficiency of the little things; and besides my

impulsiveness had plunged me into a deuce of a mess; so I went on

distastefully。 Was there no profession in this age of specialism

for taking away children's garments from houses where they were

suddenly become a pain?  Could I sell them?  Could I give them to

the needy; who would probably dispose of them for gin?  I told

him of a friend with a young child who had already refused them

because it would be unpleasant to him to be reminded of Timothy;

and I think this was what touched him to the quick; so that he

made the offer I was waiting for。



I had done it with a heavy foot; and by this time was in a rage

with both him and myself; but I always was a bungler; and; having

adopted this means in a hurry; I could at the time see no other

easy way out。  Timothy's hold on life; as you may have

apprehended; was ever of the slightest; and I suppose I always

knew that he must soon revert to the obscure。  He could never

have penetrated into the open。  It was no life for a boy。



Yet now; that his time had come; I was loath to see him go。  I

seem to remember carrying him that evening to the window with

uncommon tenderness (following the setting sun that was to take

h
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