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She cast the back of her hand across her eyes as though a blow had just blinded her。
He wrenched the door open。
〃They're waiting for us in there。 e on； you're only making it worse。〃
He was beginning to harden against her。 Her opposition was mencing to inflame him against her。 It showed inversely； in a sort of lethal coldness。
〃Look； my friend； I'm not going to drag you in there by the hair。 The thing isn't worth it。 I'm going inside a minute and call the Hazzard house from here； and tell them the whole story right now。 Then I'll drive you back where I got you from。 They can have you…if they want you any more。〃 He leaned toward her slightly across the door。 〃Take a good look at me。 Do I look like I was kidding？〃
He meant it。 It wasn't an empty bluff； with nothing behind it。 It might be a threat that he would prefer not to have to carry out； but it wasn't an idle threat。 She could see that in his eyes； in the cold sullenness in them； the dislike of herself she read in them。
He turned and left the car…side and went up the plank…walk again； more forcefully； more swiftly； than he'd trod it before。
〃Excuse me； could I trouble you for a minute…〃 she heard him start to say as he entered the open doorway； then the rest was blurred as he went deeper within。
She struggled out； clinging to the flexing door like somebody walking in his sleep。 Then she wavered up the plank…walk and onto the porch； and the ivy rustled for a minute as she teetered soddenly against it。 Then she went on toward the oblong of light projected by the open doorway； and inside。 It was like struggling through kneedeep water。
A middle…aged woman met her in the hallway。
〃Good evening。 Are you Mrs。 Hazzard？ He's in here。〃
She took her to a room on the left； parted an old…fashioned pair of sliding doors。 He was standing in there； with his back to them； beside an old…fashioned telephone…box bracketed to the wall。
〃Here's the young lady。 You can both e into the study when you're ready。〃
Patrice drew the doors together behind her again。 〃Steve；〃 she said。
He turned around and looked at her； then turned back again。
〃Don't…you'll kill her；〃 she pleaded。
〃The old all die sooner or later。〃
〃Has it gone through yet？〃
〃They're ringing Caulfield for me now。〃
It wasn't any sleight…of…hand trick。 His finger wasn't anywhere near the receiver…hook； holding it shut down。 He was in the act of carrying it out。
A choking sound broke in her throat。
He looked around again； less fully than before。 〃Have you decided once and for all？〃
She didn't nod； she simply let her eyelids drop closed for a minute。
〃Operator；〃 he said； 〃cancel that call。 It was a mistake。〃 He replaced the receiver。
She felt a little sick and dizzy； as when you've just looked down from some great height and then drawn back again。
He went over to the sliding…doors and swung them vigorously back。
〃We're ready；〃 he called into the study across the hall。
He crooked his arm toward her； backhand； contemptuously tilting up his elbow for her to take； without even looking around at her as he did so。
She came forward and they went toward the study together； her arm linked in his。 Into where the man was waiting to marry them。
39
It was on the way back that she knew she was going to kill him。 Knew she must； knew it was the only thing left to be done now。 She should have done it sooner； she told herself。 Long before this； that first night as she sat with him in his car。 It would have been that much better。 Then this； tonight's ultimate horror and degradation； would at least have been avoided。 She hadn't thought of it then； that was the one thing that had never occurred to her。 It had always been flight； escape from him in some other way； never safety in this way…his removal。
But she knew she was going to do it； now。 Tonight。
Not a word had passed between them； all this way； ever since leaving the justice's house。 Why should one？ What was there to say？ What was there to do； now…except this one final thing； that came to her opposite a white…stockinged telegraph…pole； about four miles out of Hastings。 Just like that it came： click； snap； and it was there。 As though she had passed through some electric…eye beam stretched across the road； there from that particular telegraph…pole。 On the one side of it； still； just passive despair； fatalism。 On the other； full…grown decision； remorseless； irrevocable： I'm going to kill him。 Tonight。 Before this night ends； before the light es again。
Neither of them said anything。 He didn't； because he was content。 He'd done what he'd set out to do。 He did whistle lightly； once； for a short while； but then he stopped that again。 She didn't say anything； because she was undone。 Destroyed； in the fullest sense of the word。 She'd never felt like this before。 She didn't even feel pain of mind any more。 Struggle was ended。 She was numb now。 She'd even had more feeling left in her after the train…crash than now。
She rode all the way with her eyes held shut。 Like a woman returning from a funeral； at which everything worth keeping has been interred； and to whom nothing left above ground is worth looking at any longer。
She heard him speak at last 〃There； was that so bad？〃 he said。
She answered him mechanically； without opening her eyes。
〃Where are you…？ What do you want me to do now？〃
〃Exactly nothing。 You go on just as you were before。 This is something between the two of us。 And I want it to stay that way； understand？ Not a word to the Family。 Not until I'm ready。 It'll be Our Little Secret； yours and mine。〃
He was afraid if he took her with him openly； they'd change the will； she supposed。 And afraid if he left her with them； and they learned of it； they'd have it annulled for her。
How did you kill a man？ There was nothing here； no way。 The country was flat； the road level； straight。 If she snatched at the wheel； tried to throw the car out of control； nothing much would happen。 You needed steep places； hairbreadth turns。 And the car was only trundling along； not going fast。 It would only roll off into the dirt maybe； strike a telegraph…pole； shake them up a little。
Besides； even if that had been the feasible way； she didn't want to die with him。 She only wanted him to die。 She had a child she was devoted to； a man she loved。 She wanted to live。 She'd always had an unquenchable will to live； all her life； she still had it now。 Numbed as she was； it was still flickering stubbornly inside her。 Nothing could put it out； or…she would already have contemplated another alternative； probably； before now。
Oh God； she cried out in her mind； if I only had a…
And in that instant； she knew how to do it。 Knew how she was going to do it。 For the next word…symbol flashing before her senses was 〃gun；〃 and as it appeared it brought its own answer to the plea。
In the library； at home。 There was one in there； somewhere。
A brief scene came back to mind； from many months ago。 Buried until now； to suddenly reappear； as clear as if it had just taken place a moment ago。 The reading…lamp； fortably lit and casting its cheerful glow。 Father Hazzard； sitting there by it； lingering late over a book。 Th