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Chapter 9
The weeks of his convalescence dragged along。 Very slowly； his physical strength came back to him。 Yet； even behind his physical strength； his mental vigor lagged。 Looking in a mirror； he saw his hair now showing streaks of gray。 〃Am I old already？〃 he thought。 〃No； not really old！〃 At least he knew that in some ways he would never be the same。 Some fine youthful courage and confidence had faded。
Always he had prided himself on being able to think honestly； to face intellectually whatever must be faced。 Now he found his mind swerving off when his thoughts drew near to certain subjects。 Well； he was still weak； after a while； he would go ahead once more。
Sometimes （and this frightened him） he found himself refusing to admit the actuality； making plans as if Joey were still there； escaping into the happiness of fantasy。 He realized that he had always had something of this tendency。 At times it had been an advantage； as when it had enabled him to readjust imaginatively when he had first been left alone。 But now he was escaping because the reality seemed too bleak to be faced。 Repeatedly a line of poetry； from the wide reading of all those years； came into his head when he tried to breast reality：
Never glad confident morning again！
No； never again！ Joey was gone； and Charlie's shadow lay over them； and the all…necessary State had arisen； with death in its hands。 And everything that he had tried to do so hopefully in that glad morning had failed。 He questioned why。 Then often in mere despair he fled into fantasy。
When he could think more calmly； the irony of all things impressed him more and more。 What you were preparing against…that never happened！ All the best…laid plans could not prevent the disaster against which no plans had been laid。
Most of the time he had to be alone。 Some of the others still needed care； and what strength remained in Em had to be devoted to them。 He would have liked to talk to Ezra； but Ezra too was not yet out of bed。 Except for Em and Ezra； now that Joey was gone； there was no one to whom his heart really went out。
One afternoon he awoke from a nap； and saw Em sitting near his bed。 With only half…opened eyes； he looked at her。 She had not yet noticed that he was awake。 She was still weary…looking； but no longer with the terrible weariness that he had seen before。 There was grief too； but a calm covered it。 There was no despair。 As for fear； he no longer even thought of searching for that！
She looked at him； and noticed his opened eyes； and smiled quickly。 Suddenly he knew that this was the time when he must face it。
〃I must talk with you；〃 he said； though his voice was scarcely more than a whisper； as if he were still asleep。 Then he paused。
〃Yes；〃 she said quietly； 〃I am here。。。。 Go on。。。。 I am here。 〃
〃I must talk with you；〃 he repeated； still afraid really to begin。 He felt himself humble before her； the child who must ask questions of the grown…up； the frightened child trying to drive fear away and renew confidence。 Yet； not being really a child； he feared that even she could make no answer that would bring that security。
〃I want to ask you some questions；〃 he went on。 〃How is it。。。〃 he began bravely； and then paused again。
She only smiled at him； realizing his weakness； but she did not tell him to wait till another time。
〃This is it！〃 he said desperately。 〃Is this the way of it？ I know what George is thinking； and the others perhaps too！ I heard something； even through my fever。 Is it。。。 is it a punishment？〃
Then he looked at her； and for the first time in all those terrible weeks he saw in her face something which was fear； or might be。 Even I have failed her； he thought in panic。 Yet he knew that now he must go on； or else a wall of doubt and dishonesty would arise between them forever。
So he blurted on： 〃You know what I mean！ Is it because we killed Charlie？ Did something…did God…strike back at us？ An eye for an eye； and a tooth for a tooth！ Is this why they all…why Joey？…died？ Did…what it was…He…use the disease that Charlie was carrying…so that we should all be sure how it was meant？〃
Then； as he paused； he saw that her face was contorted with horror。
〃No； no！〃 she cried。 〃Not you too！ I faced the others so often alone when you were sick！ I knew no arguments； but I knew that it could not be so。 I could give them no arguments。 All I could give them was my courage！〃
She paused； as if the sudden vehemence had exhausted her。
〃Yes；〃 she went on； 〃I felt courage flow out from me like blood！ It flowed out to them all； and I grew weaker as it flowed； and I wondered 'Will there be enough？ Will there be enough？' And you were talking of Charlie through your fever。〃
She was silent again； but he could say nothing。
〃Oh；〃 she cried； 〃do not ask me for more courage！ I do not know the arguments。 I never went to college。 All I know is that we did what we thought best。 If there is a God who made us and we did wrong before His eyes…as George says…at least we did wrong only because we were as God made us； and I do not think that He should set traps。 Oh； you should know better than George！ Let us not bring all that back into the world again…the angry God； the mean God…the one who does not tell us the rules of the game； and then strikes us when we break them。 Let us not bring Him back！ Not you too！〃
Then she stopped。 and he saw that her face was between her hands； so that he could not tell whether or not there was fear in it。 But he knew that she was crying。
And again he felt small and very humble before her。 （Once more she had not failed him。） But most of all he felt calm and peaceful and reassured。 Yes； he should have known。 He； among them all； should not have doubted。 Reaching out； he took one of her hands。
〃Do not be afraid；〃 he found himself saying； though for him to be saying so to her was ironic。 〃You are right； you are right！ I shall not think such things again。 I know the arguments。 But when there is death and a man has been very sick； he is weak。 Yes； you must remember； I am still…not quite myself。〃
Then suddenly she was kissing him through warm tears； and had gone from the room。 Again； he knew； she was strong。 Again courage could flow outward from her。 Oh； Mother of Nations！
He also； as he lay there still weak…he also felt courage again； whether he had drawn it from her store or whether her words had merely caused him to build up his own。
Yes； he thought…and did not flee from the thought…yes； Joey is gone。 Joey is dead。 He will not be back。 He will not…ever again…e running to see what is happening。 Yet； there will be a future。 Though I am gray…haired now； yet still there is Em…and the others…and I may even be happy。 It will be nothing like the future I planned…now that Joey is dead。 Still； I shall do what I can。
Again he felt small and humble。 He felt all the great forces of the world at work against him； against the only man still alive who could think and plan for the future。 He had tried to face them head…on； and they had rolled over him。 Yes； they might well have been too much； even if Joey had lived。 He must p