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She shuddered; frightened at the intensity of her emotions。 It was as if she could no longer control her feelings。 Did she love Mars? Then how could she still be lusting after Valeri? How could she still be jealous of his relationship with Natasha? What was happening inside her?
When she got into this situation she had been certain of who was right and who was wrong。 She had allowed Valeri to co…opt her; partly because… Oh; he was so right about her!…he had made her see that she was more than a drone; one worker among many; undistinguished; unappreciated。 It was so exciting to feel wanted by such a powerful man as Valeri Bondasenko。 And then when he had so cleverly shown her that she could have more; that she could share in his power; she had been all too eager to do what he asked: spy on Mars。
But that was before she had соmе to know Mars; before he had begun to share his private life with her。 Now he seemed to be a wholly different person from the one she had set out to seduce。 Now she felt ashamed of how she was betraying Mars to Valeri; and this shame caused her to be in constant turmoil; as if she could not relax even for a moment。 She thought; My God; I'm headed for a nervous breakdown。 And that frightened her even more; because then neither Mars nor Valeri would want her; and she would once again bee nothing in her utter isolation。 Now she felt as if only she…Irina Ponomareva…was in the wrong。 Which way should she turn; to Valeri or to Mars? God help her; she did not know。
She felt Mars behind her。 〃What is it with you and windows? '' he said。 ''You're like a cat who loves to stare at nothing。 What is it you see out there that I cannot?〃
Irina turned around。 〃I was just thinking。〃
Mars searched her face。 〃This sounds serious。 It's too late in me night to be serious; koshka。'' Darling。 What Valeri had called Natasha Mayakova。
〃Don't you think that the darkness makes us more serious; more melancholy; sometimes?〃
''I don't know。'' Mars cocked his head to one side。 She could see that he was curious about her train of thought。 ''I often do my best thinking at night。〃
〃There。 You see?〃
〃But it's the quiet;〃 he said。 〃The intimation of sleep all around me。〃
〃And when at last you do sleep。 Mars; what is it you dream of?〃
〃Electronic sheep;'' he said。 ''Powered by miniature nuclear reactors。〃
She could see; then; that he was making fun of her; but gently; trying to deflate her seriousness。
He gathered her into his arms。 〃What's gotten into you? Ever since we went to see Chekhov; you seem to have picked up his brooding soul。 Is something the matter? Perhaps I can help。 I'd like to help you; Irina。〃 He put his lips close to her ear。 〃Do you know that my family has disapproved of every woman I have ever brought home。 Everyone except you。 My whole family loves you; Irina。〃
Irina felt a tingling; as if his words had galvanized her spirit。 She found that she was holding her breath; she wondered if he could feel the thundering of her heart。
〃I care so much for you。〃
She felt weak in the knees; as if he was saying in real life what she had dreamed about ever since he had taken her home to meet his family。 A family; she thought…what I wouldn't give to have a father; a mother who knew and loved me。
She allowed him to draw her away from the window; the kind of precaution against electronic eavesdropping he did without conscious thought。 He took her down the hall and into the bathroom。 He turned on the tub taps。 There was even hot water。
Naked; they climbed in together; letting the hot water chum around them。 The background of splashing water had a soothing effect。 They sat face to face; their legs around each other。
He laughed softly; kissed the tip of her nose。 〃You see; Irina; I have an overpowering urge to trust you。 That's a dangerous urge for one in my position in government; someone who has such a powerful enemy in Valeri Denysovich。 But lately I find I want to tell you things I'd never dare tell another soul。 Crazy; isn't it?〃 His lips came down over hers; crushing them; opening them。 Irina gave a little moan。
〃Not crazy;'' Irina whispered; her eyes half closed。 ''I think it's perfectly normal behavior for a man in love。〃
〃But that's just it;〃 Mars said。 〃For a man like me; being in love is the most dangerous state of all。〃
〃Why?〃
〃You will bee my weak spot。〃
Irina was aware of Valeri telling her that it was just as well he had emerged from his marriage childless because in this terrible world a child could be used against him。 How similar these two men were; she thought; but how utterly different when one scratched the surface of their carefully prepared facades。 Both were men who wore masks; and masks within masks when they faced the outside world。 It gave Irina a fantastic thrill to have penetrated beyond those masks to see the true inner workings of two of Russia's most influential men。 And now one; if not born; was in love with her。 She was abruptly suffused with the scope of her own power; aware as if for the first time how in control she was; how more in control she would be once she unearthed the secrets that surely these men must harbor。 She was not naive; even Mars was not a saint。 Their power could not have been acquired without a degree of moral corruption。
The old Irina would have quailed from such a notion; but everything was different now。 The power had changed her。 She could see quite clearly that the rules for her…as well as for Valeri and Mars…were different than they were for everyone else。
Irina looked into Mars's eyes and; in that moment; she knew that she would never tell him about how Valeri had sent her to spy on him。 This was a measure of her power over both men; and she would never give it up。
〃Irina; I will tell you a secret;〃 Mars said; 〃something you must promise never to tell anyone。〃
〃I promise。〃
〃I can well imagine how Valeri Denysovich; for one; would chop me up for fish bait if he ever found out I harbor a secret affinity for the nationalist group。 White Star。〃
Irina watched him through the steam and her slitted eyes。 This was the last thing she had expected him to say; and; under the circumstances; it pletely disarmed her。
Mars said; 〃You see; Irina; Valeri Denysovich pretends at promise with the Baltics with his much publicized treaty。 But he gives them only token freedoms。 Then; with the other hand; he es down like a mailed fist against the Ukrainians; his own people。 Imagine。〃 He stroked her hair。 〃You see; despite all the monumental changes taking place in the outside world; nationalism is still a dirty word inside the Kremlin…a treasonable offense。 In fact; there are some who believe that the president encouraged the pro…democracy spin in Eastern Europe to divert the increasing pressure the West was putting on us for holding on to the Baltics。〃
Mars took her hand in his。 〃I want you to understand this clearly: White Star; if it's legitimate…if it's not being run by fanatics and terrorists…must be recognized。 We must look to the Poland model。 Solidarity could not be denied。 Its rise to power was; in the end; the will of the people。 Our strength… though our own government has yet to realize it…is in