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k and All's Well while a dragon is melting the street you feel a bit of a Burke。
I have moved out of Mrs Palm's because； there are dozens of bedrooms here。 It was sad and they made me a cake but I think it is for the best； although Mrs Palm never charged me rent which was very nice of her considering she is a widow with so many fine daughters to bring up plus dowries ekcetra。
Also I have made friends with this ape who keeps ing round to see if we have found his book。 Nobby says it is a flea…ridden moron because it won 18 off him playing Cripple Mr Onion； which is a game of chance with cards which I do not play； I have told Nobby about the Gambling （Regulation） Acts； and he said Piss off； which I think is in violation of the Decency Ordinances of 1389 but I have decided to use my Discretion。
Capt Vimes is ill and is being looked after by a Lady。 Nobby says it is well known she is Mental； but Sgt Colon says its just because of living in a big house with a lot of dragons but she is worth a Fortune and well done to the Capt for getting his feet under the table。 I do not see what the furniture has to do with it。 This morning I went for a walk with Reel and showed her many interesting examples of the ironwork to be found in the city。 She said it was very interesting。 She said I was quite different to anyone she's ever met。 Your loving son； Carrot。X
PS I hope Minty is keeping well。
He folded the paper carefully and shoved it into the envelope。
〃Sun's going down；〃 said Sergeant Colon。
Carrot looked up from his sealing wax。
〃That means it will be night soon；〃 Colon went on； accurately。
〃Yes； Sergeant。〃
Colon ran a finger round his collar。 His skin was impressively pink； the result of a morning's scrubbing； but people were still staying at a respectful distance。
Some people are born to mand。 Some people achieve mand。 And others have mand thrust upon them； and the sergeant was now included in this category and wasn't very happy about it。
Any minute now； he knew； he was going to have to say that it was time they went out on patrol。 He didn't want to go out on patrol。 He wanted to find a nice sub…basement somewhere。 But nobblyess obligay； if he was in charge； he had to do it。
It wasn't the loneliness of mand that was bothering him。 It was the being…fried…alive of mand that was giving him problems。
He was also pretty sure that unless they came up with something about this dragon very soon then the Patrician was going to be unhappy。 And when the Patrician was unhappy； he became very democratic。 He found intricate and painful ways of spreading that un…happiness as far as possible。 Responsibility； the sergeant thought； was a terrible thing。 So was being horribly tortured。 As far as he could see； the two facts were rapidly heading towards one another。
And thus he was terribly relieved when a small coach pulled up outside the Yard。 It was very old； and battered。 There was a faded coat of arms on the door。 Painted on the back； and rather newer； was the little message： Whinny If You Love Dragons。
Out of it； wincing as he got down； stepped Captain Vimes。 Following him was the woman known to the sergeant as Mad Sybil Ramkin。 And finally； hopping down obediently on the end of its lead； was a small。。。
The sergeant was too nervous to take account of actual size。
〃Well； I'll be mogadored！ They've only gone and caught it！〃
Nobby looked up from the table in the corner where he was continually failing to learn that it is almost impossible to play a game of skill and bluff against an opponent who smiles all the time。 The Librarian took advantage of the diversion to help himself to a couple of cards off the bottom of the pack。
〃Don't be daft。 That's just a swamp dragon；〃 said Nobby。 〃She's all right； is Lady Sybil。 A real lady。〃
The other two guards turned and stared at him。 This was Nobby talking。
〃You two can bloody well stop that；〃 he said。 〃Why shouldn't I know a lady when I sees one？ She give me a cup of tea in a cup thin as paper and a silver spoon in it；〃 he said； speaking as one who had peeped over the plateau of social distinction。 〃And I give it back to her； so you can stop looking at me like that！〃
〃What is it you actually do on your evenings off？〃 said Colon。
〃No business of yourn。〃
〃Did you really give the spoon back？〃 said Carrot。
〃Yes I bloody well did！〃 said Nobby hotly。
〃Attention； lads；〃 said the sergeant； flooded with relief。
The other two entered the room。 Vimes gave his men his usual look of resigned dismay。 〃My squad；〃 he mumbled。
〃Fine body of men；〃 said Lady Ramkin。 〃The good old rank and file； eh？〃
〃The rank； anyway；〃 said Vimes。
Lady Ramkin beamed encouragingly。 This led to a strange shuffling among the men。 Sergeant Colon； by dint of some effort； managed to make his chest stick out more than his stomach。 Carrot straightened up from his habitual stoop。 Nobby vibrated with soldierly bearing； hands thrust straight down by his sides； thumbs pointing sharply forward； pigeon chest inflated so much that his feet were in danger of leaving the ground。
〃I always think we can all sleep safer in my bed knowing that these brave men are watching over us；〃 said Lady Ramkin； walking sedately along the rank； like a treasure galleon running ahead of a mild breeze。 〃And who is this？〃
It is difficult for an orangutan to stand to attention。 Its body can master the general idea； but its skin can't。 The Librarian was doing his best； however； standing in a sort of respectful heap at the end of the line and maintaining the kind of plex salute you can only achieve with a four…foot arm。
〃 'E's plain clothes； ma'am；〃 said Nobby smartly。 〃Special Ape Services。〃
〃Very enterprising。 Very enterprising indeed；〃 said Lady Ramkin。 〃How long have you been an ape； my man？〃
〃Oook。〃
〃Well done。〃 She turned to Vimes； who was definitely looking incredulous。
〃A credit to you；〃 she said。 〃A fine body of men。。。〃
〃Oook。〃
〃。。。anthropoids；〃 corrected Lady Ramkin； with barely a break in the flow。
For a moment the rank felt as though they had just returned from single…handedly conquering a distant province。 They felt； in fact； tremendously bucked up； which was how Lady Ramkin would almost certainly have put it and which was definitely several letters of the alphabet away from how they normally felt。 Even the Librarian felt favoured； and for once had let the phrase 'my man' pass without ment。
A trickling noise and a strong chemical smell prompted them to look around。
Goodboy Bindle Featherstone was squatting with an air of sheepish innocence alongside what was not so much a stain on the carpet as a hole in the floor。 A few wisps of smoke were curling up from the edges。
Lady Ramkin sighed。
〃Don't you worry； ma'am；〃 volunteered Nobby cheerfully。 〃Soon have that cleaned up。〃
〃I'm afraid they're often like that when they're excited；〃 she said。
〃Fine specimen you got there； ma'am；〃 Nobby went on； revelling in the new…found experience of social intercourse。
〃It's not mine；〃 she said。 〃It belongs to the captain now。 Or all of you； perhaps。 A sort of mascot。 His name is Goodboy Bindle Featherstone。〃
Goodboy Bindle Featherstone bore up stoically