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he was a brave man： he followed through。 He had his nose entirely amputated the next day； repudiating all nose…hood and installing a suction cup in the middle of his glasses。 Within a week he had landed a job with some moonshiners； and he works their still there still。〃
The Doc took a long gulp of Peter Dawson's and looked around expectantly； blinking。
There was a silence； not much thicker than an elephant's behind。
〃A moonshiner with no nose？〃 snorted Long…Drink； who keeps a still in his garage for Sundays when Callahan's is closed。 〃That's ridiculous。 How did he smell？〃
〃Terrible；〃 the Doc replied placidly。 〃Those moonshiners are filthy。〃
A general groan began； but Callahan held up a hand。 〃What's the moral； Doc？〃
The Doc blinked again。 〃No nose is a good nose。〃
The sky rained peanuts； and very few missed the Doc； his more…than…ample upholstery making him an excellent target。 Callahan； maddened beyond endurance； seized up a seltzer bottle and was restrained with some difficulty。 Me。 I was worried。 This would be hard to beat。 I decided against another Bushmill's。
As I recall； the next one up was Shorty Steinitz； with the story of his uncle Mort D。 Arthur the magician； who walked down the street one day and turned into a drugstore。 But three of us shouted the punchline before he got to it and he pitched his glass into the fire in disgust； toasting 〃To weisenheimers〃 first and putting his shoulder behind it。 Then Tommy Janssen did a creditable job； W。 C。 Fields … style and better done than Fields usually is； about a Cousin Alex Ameche who used to hang from a hook on his kitchen wall and claim to be a telephone。
〃Obviously a masochist；〃 Tommy intoned nasally。 〃The amount of abuse that man absorbed was simply incredible。 Folks'd try to humor him； put a dime in his left ear； pick up his right hand from where it hung in his other ear； dial his nose in a circle and listen to his hand。 But when nothing transpired； they would inevitably beat him about the head and shoulders until the dime came out of his mouth； dislocate his arm at the shoulder and leave the premises in a great rage； cursing prodigiously。〃 This was pretty good stuff； but Tommy's moral； 〃A chameleon would do well to imitate objects of a species with which Man is not at war；〃 had no pun in it； and it seemed the Doc still （the Doc's still） had the edge。 Noah Gonzalez's effort； a one…joke story about an overaggressive uncle who customarily turned on the TV with such ferocity that one day the TV turned on him； was an obvious loser。 For some crazy reason as each tale…teller realized he'd blown it and would thus be paying his night's tab； he invariably pitched his glass into the fireplace … which costs you your fifty cents change。 Callahan had raked in a fortune in dollar bills by the time I was ready to make my move； and I decided for the hundredth time that Callahan is no fool； even if he does have to sweep out that fireplace every morning。
〃All right；〃 I said at last； 〃it's time to tell you good people about my Grandfather Stonebender。〃 I decided my country drawl would serve best。
〃You stole that from Heinlein；〃 shouted Noah； the only other SF freak in the room。 〃One of the characters in ‘Lost Legacy〃 had a Grandfather Stonebender who could do anything better than anyone。 No fair lifting stories。〃
〃Heinlein must have heard about the real Grandfather Stonebender from my grandmother；〃 I said with dignity； 〃and at that he toned him down for a cynical public。 I'm talking about the real Stonebender … the man who built the pyramids； freed the slaves； invented the prophylactic； cured yaws … that Stonebender。〃
〃What's yaws？〃 Callahan asked injudiciously。
〃Why thanks； Mike。 I'll have a beer。〃
A cheer went up； and Callahan made a ferocious face at me as he drew a draft Bud。 〃Not that Grandfather Stonebender's legendary success was surprisin'；〃 I continued smoothly； 〃as he was born with three heads。 His mother was frightened by a pawn shop while she was carrying him。 Doctor was so startled he swore off the sauce； and the child raised up such a fuss cryin' three ways at once that they sent him home early； where he caused his mother some unforeseen and unprecedented difficulties with nursing。
〃Fortunately； he matured quickly and found early employ as the ‘before；' ‘during' and ‘after' for hair…tonic mercials。 Which anyway kept him in hair…tonic。 'Fore too long； though； his bined I。Q。 had brought him the prominence he deserved in several unrelated fields； and he passed his weekends doing a trio at the local ginmill for relaxation。 His sex…life was something incredible； his prenatal trauma also having left him with three。。。 but that's neither here nor anywhere I should be talkin' about。 Point is； he wasn't no loser like Doc's cousin Hobart； reduced to geekin' in sideshows for a livin'。 Grandfather Stonebender lived entirely off his wits … had to； to keep himself in neckties。
〃But the same strange fate that provided him with three times the brains and earning power of a normal man carried with it the seeds of his destruction。 He fell prey to the mittee Syndrome。
〃One day he was debating Free Silver with himself。 It was a burnin' issue at the time； and sad to say； he lost。 This made him so mad he punched hisself right in the mouth； and broke several teeth and a knuckle。 Bein' a gentleman； he had no alternative： he challenged hisself to a duel。 Next mornin'； acting as second for both sides so as to keep it in the family； he shot hisself in the right … eye from pointblank range and died。 Papers were full of it at the time。 'Course； if you read the only daily around you know the papers are still full of it； but anyhow that's how my Grandfather Stonebender passed on； from the past on。〃
Doc Webster's mouth hung open in astonishment； but Callahan again called for the moral before the general outrage could begin。
〃Just goes to show；〃 I explained； 〃that three heads are bitter； then none。〃 I closed my eyes and waited for the holocaust； smugly sure that I wouldn't have to rely on cheap gags to get free beer any more tonight。
But the silence was broken not by groans； but by a single groan； and the pain in that groan was not put…on at all。 It came from the open doorway across the room； and as we all spun around we beheld a sandy…haired young man； shockingly disheveled； leaning against the doorframe and sobbing。 As we watched； frozen； he slid from its support and fell full…length into Callahan's； landing on his face with a crash。
Somehow I knew intuitively that I was not a winner tonight after all。
For all his bulk； Doc Webster was the first to reach the newer。 He rolled him over and began doing doctor things almost before the rest of us had started to move； and swung his great black bag in a lethal circle when we crowded too close。 Nobody ignores pain in Callahan's Place； but I guess sometimes we're a hair too eager to help。
The kid wasn't much older than Tommy Janssen； maybe twenty…five or so； but you had to look past the haunted lines of his face to see it。 At first glance he might have been thirty or better； and the expression he'd worn before he passed out would have looked more at