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And then the Doc cleared his throat。 〃Excuse me； young man；〃 he began； and the black kid turned to tell him to shut up； and behind him Hauptman sprang from his chair headlong across the room and headfirst toward the fireplace。
He landed on his stomach； and his hands plowed straight into the welter of broken glass。 As he wrenched over on his back； his right hand came around with that big 。45 in it； and the kid was still turning to see what that noise behind him was。
They froze that way for a long moment； Hauptman sprawled in the fireplace； the kid by the bar； and two gun … muzzles stared unblinking across the room at each other。 Then Callahan spoke。
〃You'll hurt him with a 。38 son； but he'll kill you with a 。45。〃
The kid froze； his eyes darting around the room； then flung his gun from him and bolted for the door with a noise like a cross between a sneeze and a sob。 Nobody got in his way。
And then Callahan spoke up again。 〃You see； Tom；〃 he said conversationally； 〃moral issues never change。 Only social ones。〃
One thing I'll say for the boys at Callahan's： they can keep a straight face。 Nobody cracked a smile as Callahan fed the cops a perfectly hilarious yarn about how the minister had disarmed a thief with a revolver he had only that afternoon taken from a troubled young parishioner。 Some of us had even argued against involving the police at all； on general principles … I was one of them … but Callahan insisted that he didn't want any guns in his joint； and nobody else really wanted them either。
But when I was proudest of the boys was when the police asked for a description of the thief。 None of us had given any thought to that； but Doc Webster was right in there； his dragon…in…the…shower voice drowning out all others。
〃Description？〃 he boomed。 〃Hell； nobody was ever easier to describe。 The guy was six…four with a hook…nose； blonde hair； blue eyes； a scar from his right ear to his chin and he had one leg。〃
And not one of us so much as blinked as the cop dutifully wrote that down。
Perhaps that kid would have another chance。
Tom Hauptman； however； didn't e off so well in the aplomb department。 As one of the cops was phoning in； Long…Drink called out； 〃Hey … Tom。 One thing I don't understand。 That cannon you had was in the fireplace for a good hour or so； and that hearth is plenty warm even when the fire's been out a while。 How the hell e none of the cartridges went off？〃
The minister looked puzzled。 〃Why； I have no idea。 Do you suppose that。。。？〃
But the second cop was making strangling sounds and waving the 。45。 At last he found his voice。 〃You mean you didn't know？〃
We looked at him。
He tossed the gun … to Callahan； who one…handed it easily； then suddenly looked startled。 He hefted the gun； and his jaw dropped。
〃There's no clip in this gun；〃 he said faintly。 〃The damned thing's unloaded。〃
And Tom Hauptman fainted dead away。
By the time we recovered from that one； Callahan had decided that Doc and Noah and I were Punday Night Champions； and we were helping ourselves to just one more free drink with Tom Hauptman when Doc came up with an idea。
〃Say； Mike；〃 he called out。 〃Don't you think a bunch of savvy galoots like us could find Tom here some kind of job？〃
〃Well； I'll tell you； Doc；〃 said Callahan； scratching his neck； 〃I've been givin' that some thought。〃 He lit a cigar and regarded the minister with a professional eye。 〃Tom； do you know anything about tending bar？〃
〃Huh？ Why； yes I do。 I tended bar for a couple of summers before I entered the ministry。〃
〃Well；〃 Callahan drawled； 〃I ain't getting any younger。 This all day and all night stuff is okay for someone your age； but I'm pushing fifty。 Why I hit a man last week； and he got up on me。 I've been meaning to get myself a little part…time help； sorta distribute the load a little。 And I'd be right honored to have a man of God serve my booze。〃
A murmur of shock ran through the bar； and expression of awe at the honor being accorded to Tom Hauptman。 He looked around； having the sense to see that it was up to us as much as it was to Callahan。
〃Why the hell not？〃 roared Long…Drink and the Doc together； and the minister began to cry。
〃Mr。 Callahan；〃 he said； 〃I'd be proud to help you run this bar。〃
About that point a rousing cheer went up； and about two dozen glasses met above the newly…relit blaze in the fireplace。 Toasts got proposed all at once； and a firecracker went off somewhere in the back of the room。 The minister was lifted up onto a couple or three shoulders； and the most godawful alleycat off…key chorus you ever heard assured him that he was indeed a Jolly Good Fellow。
〃This calls for another drink；〃 Callahan decreed。 〃What'll it be； Tom？〃
〃Well；〃 the minister said diffidently； 〃I've had an awful lot of gin； and I really haven't gotten back into training yet。 I think I'd better just have a Horse's Ass。〃
〃Reverend；〃 said Callahan； vastly chagrined； 〃whatever it is； you're gonna get it on the house。 Cause I never heard of it。〃
All around the room conversations chopped off in midsentence as the news was assimilated。 The last time in my memory when Callahan got taken for a drink was in 1968； when some joker in a pork…pie hat asked for a Mother Superior。 Turned out to be a martini with a prune in it； and Callahan by God went out and bought a prune。
Hauptman blinked at the motion he was causing； and finally managed； 〃Well； it； uh； won't set you back very much。 It's just a ginger ale with a cherry in it。〃 He paused； apparently embarrassed； and continued just a shade too diffidently； 〃You see； they call it that be…〃
〃…CAUSE ANYONE WHO'D ORDER ONE IS A HORSE'S ASS！〃 chorused a dozen voices with him； and a shower of peanuts hit him from all over the room。 Tommy Janssen heaved a half…full pitcher at the fireplace； and Fast Eddie snatched it out of the air with his right hand as his left picked up 〃You Said It； Not Me〃 in F sharp。
Hauptman accepted his drink from Callahan； and he had it to his lips before he noticed the remarkably authentic…looking plastic fly which Callahan had thoughtfully added to the prescription。 The explosion was impressive； and I swear ginger ale came out his ears。
〃Seemed like a likely place to find a fly；〃 said Callahan loudly； and somehow Fast Eddie managed to heave the pitcher at him without interrupting the song。 Callahan fielded it deftly and took a long drink。
〃That's what I like to see；〃 he boomed； replacing his cigar in his teeth。 〃A place that's merry。〃
3
THE CENTIPEDE'S DILEMMA
What happened to Fogerty was a classic example of the centipede's dilemma。 Served him right； of course； and I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later。 But things could have gone much worse with him if he hadn't been wearing that silly hat。
It was this way：
Fogerty came shuffling in to Callahan's Place for the first time on the night of the Third Annual Darts Championship of the Universe； an event by which we place much store at Callahan's； and I noticed him the moment he walked in。 No great feat； he was a sight to see。 He looke