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and decent weapons。〃
〃Good。 Then I can send a squad with you … expand the standard medical unit … and now if you'll excuse me； I'll be off。 Twenty…five minutes； now。〃
Heris set off for the flitter hangars again； Cecelia in tow。 They'd have to change there into whatever clothes Cecelia had packed earlier； or go in hunting attire and look like idiots。 It shouldn't bother her； she told herself； after that purple uniform。 She knew it wasn't really the clothes that made her feel inpetent。 She had never been on a mission as an observer； she had always had a place； a duty。 Now her duty was to keep out of the way； stay out of trouble； keep Cecelia out of trouble。 It felt wrong。
〃I wish we could take the horses；〃 Cecelia grumbled。 Heris looked over at her。
Cecelia was not used to being rushed； the bustle and scurry of the militia's preparation； the need to scramble out of her clothes and into others in the cramped restroom at the flitter hangars； had ruffled her posure； and she had reacted with a string of plaints。 The personal armor Heris had insisted she wear under her jacket made her look； Cecelia had said； ridiculous。
Heris didn't agree； nothing looked as ridiculous as holes in one's body。 She hadn't said that； since it hadn't been necessary。 Heris's own armor felt odd； shaped differently than military issue； but she hoped it would be effective。
She hoped even more that they wouldn't need it。 The supply flitter's cargo partment held food； weapons； tools； ammunition； clothes； medical supplies； and flexible plastic tanks of water。 With them were four trained medics； two of them full…time militia。 A saddle wouldn't have fit aboard； let alone a horse。
〃Horses？ To this island？ What good would that do？〃
〃I've always said war wouldn't be as bad if I could ride into it。〃 Cecelia twitched her shoulders。 〃Not that I could ride with this thing on … another advantage of riding。〃
〃You'd be dead before the first stride；〃 Heris said。 She could feel her own breathing tighten。。。。 It always did； until the action began； and here she had no way to work it off。 The supply flitter； needing no pilot； stayed in position well behind the troop carriers。 The medics talked softly among themselves； eyeing her as if checking her for stress levels。 She made herself open her hands； let them rest lightly on her lap as if she were relaxed。
〃It's on an island； with a forest；〃 Cecelia said。 〃Horses are faster over the ground than people。〃
〃Bigger target；〃 Heris said。 She didn't want to talk； she never wanted to talk ahead of time。 She wanted to pace； to check over the plans she had not made； to see the faces that were not her people look at her the way her people had。
〃You're nervous；〃 Cecelia said more quietly。 Heris glared at her。
〃I am not nervous。〃 It came out with more bite than she intended； Cecelia did not flinch； but nodded as if it confirmed her opinion。 Heris stretched her hands and shrugged。 〃Not nervous； exactly。。。 just unsettled。 It's not the way I'm used to。〃
〃Did it bother you when you had mand？〃
〃Bother me？ Yes； and no。〃 She knew what Cecelia was doing； trying to keep her focussed intellectually； but she did not mind。 It might help both of them。 〃I worried … one always does … about the plan。 Was it good enough； had I missed something； would people die because of my stupidity？ And that includes preparation … had I trained them well enough； often enough？ Would they make stupid mistakes because I'd been too lenient？ But beyond that； it didn't bother me。 There's a。。。 a sort of quiet place； between the mitment and the bat itself。 In a way you probably felt it； from what you've said of starting a cross…country。 Once you're on the course； once the horse is galloping； the time for worry is over。 From then on you just deal with it； one fence at a time。〃
Cecelia nodded slowly。 〃I hadn't thought of it that way … but that is what I said； and that's what I did。 One fence at a time； but remembering all the ones ahead； too。〃
〃Oh； yes。〃 Heris sat still a moment； remembering。 〃You don't quit riding the course until it's over … the last fence； or the last opponent； can kill you if you're careless at the end。 But the mitment is there。 The difference here … I can't begin to explain it。〃
〃I was surprised that you backed away from it；〃 Cecelia said； even more quietly。 〃Bunny would have let you …〃
Heris shook her head vigorously。 〃It wouldn't work。 These aren't my people； they don't know me； and I don't know the local situation well enough。 The person who doesn't fit in； who doesn't know the people or the terrain； is going to get someone killed。 Other people killed。 I'm old enough to let someone else do the job for which they're trained； and simply chew my nails until it's over。〃
〃Umm。〃 Cecelia looked out the canopy； and then back。 〃A point where riders differ from soldiers； I suppose。 I've taken on someone else's mount if they were injured。 If you're a good enough …〃
〃That's different。 But I'll bet you didn't drag some first…timer off her horse just because you thought you could ride it better。〃 Cecelia turned red。 Heris looked at her。 〃You did？〃
〃I didn't think of it that way； but … 〃 She shifted in her seat； and looked away。 〃Money and influence are another way of dragging someone off a horse … with the coach convinced Ivan would never do for that horse what I could； and the All…Union Challenge ing up in six months …〃
Heris knew her expression had said what she thought before she could hide it。
Cecelia； still red； did not try to excuse her younger self。
〃I shouldn't have done it … and even at the time； I felt a bit guilty。 It wasn't until much later that I realized how much even the best riders … even I … depended on finding an outstanding horse； I thought Ivan's failure to stay in the senior circuit after that reflected his ability。 Justified the coach's decision； and my。。。 influence。〃
〃Was that your。。。 your best horse？〃 Heris hoped not。 She wanted to think better of Cecelia。
〃No。 It was a horse I thought might replace my best horse。 A big piebald from Luminaire； that Ivan found on a farm； and bought literally out of harness。
Ivan had done all his early work； but I thought … we all thought … the horse was such a natural anyone could have made an eventer out of him。 What he needed was a better rider； we thought。 After I got him； he slammed his stupid hoof into a stall partition while being shipped to the Challenge； and ripped his leg up。 Never jumped sound again。 I had another mount qualified； and you'll probably think it justice that she dumped me headfirst in the water … along with the minicam on my helmet。〃
Heris struggled not to laugh。 〃A cube they never made； eh？〃
〃Oh； they made it。 You can buy my dive into the water along with a number of other embarrassing incidents； and since it was full…sim pickup； you can program your own simulator to take the same bounce and see if you can stay on。
Sometimes I can。〃 She sighed。 〃It was a stupid mistake … and to be honest； I've never quite forgiven myself for it。 It was just the sort of thing I hated to see； and never meant to do。 Yet I could never go back and apologize to Ivan … and a few years later； he was killed in a slideway accident；