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〃What；〃 he said； 〃is a 'B' Ark？〃
〃This is；〃 said the Captain； and swished the foamy water around joyfully with the duck。
〃Yes；〃 said Ford； 〃but。。。〃
〃Well what happened you see was；〃 said the Captain； 〃our planet； the world from which we have e； was； so to speak； doomed。〃
〃Doomed？〃
〃Oh yes。 So what everyone thought was； let's pack the whole population into some giant spaceships and go and settle on another planet。〃
Having told this much of his story； he settled back with a satisfied grunt。
〃You mean a less doomed one？〃 promoted Arthur。
〃What did you say dear fellow？〃
〃A less doomed planet。 You were going to settle on。〃
〃Are going to settle on； yes。 So it was decided to build three ships； you see； three Arks in Space； and。。。 I'm not boring you am I？〃
〃No； no；〃 said Ford firmly； 〃it's fascinating。〃
〃You know it's delightful；〃 reflected the Captain； 〃to have someone else to talk to for a change。〃
Number Two's eyes darted feverishly about the room again and then settled back on the mirror； like a pair of flies briefly distracted from their favourite prey of months old meat。
〃Trouble with a long journey like this；〃 continued the Captain； 〃is that you end up just talking to yourself a lot； which gets terribly boring because half the time you know what you're going to say next。〃
〃Only half the time？〃 asked Arthur in surprise。
The Captain thought for a moment。
〃Yes； about half I'd say。 Anyway … where's the soap？〃 He fished around and found it。
〃Yes； so anyway；〃 he resumed； 〃the idea was that into the first ship； the 'A' ship； would go all the brilliant leaders； the scientists； the great artists； you know； all the achievers； and into the third； or 'C' ship； would go all the people who did the actual work； who made things and did things； and then into the 'B' ship … that's us … would go everyone else； the middlemen you see。〃
He smiled happily at them。
〃And we were sent off first；〃 he concluded； and hummed a little bathing tune。
The little bathing tune； which had been posed for him by one of his world's most exciting and prolific jingle writer （who was currently asleep in hold thirty…six some nine hundred yards behind them） covered what would otherwise have been an awkward moment of silence。 Ford and Arthur shuffled their feet and furiously avoided each other's eyes。
〃Er。。。〃 said Arthur after a moment； 〃what exactly was it that was wrong with your planet then？〃
〃Oh； it was doomed； as I said；〃 said the Captain； 〃Apparently it was going to crash into the sun or something。 Or maybe it was that the moon was going to crash into us。 Something of the kind。 Absolutely terrifying prospect whatever it was。〃
〃Oh；〃 said the first officer suddenly； 〃I thought it was that the planet was going to be invaded by a gigantic swarm of twelve foot piranha bees。 Wasn't that it？〃
Number Two span around； eyes ablaze with a cold hard light that only es with the amount of practice he was prepared to put in。
〃That's not what I was told！〃 he hissed； 〃My manding officer told me that the entire planet was in imminent danger of being eaten by an enormous mutant star goat！〃
〃Oh really。。。〃 said Ford Prefect。
〃Yes！ A monstrous creature from the pit of hell with scything teeth ten thousand miles long； breath that would boil oceans； claws that could tear continents from their roots； a thousand eyes that burned like the sun； slavering jaws a million miles across； a monster such as you have never。。。 never。。。 ever。。。〃
〃And they made sure they sent you lot off first did they？〃 inquired Arthur。
〃Oh yes；〃 said the Captain； 〃well everyone said； very nicely I thought； that it was very important for morale to feel that they would be arriving on a planet where they could be sure of a good haircut and where the phones were clean。〃
〃Oh yes；〃 agreed Ford； 〃I can see that would be very important。 And the other ships； er。。。 they followed on after you did they？〃
For a moment the Captain did not answer。 He twisted round in his bath and gazed backwards over the huge bulk of the ship towards the bright galactic centre。 He squinted into the inconceivable distance。
〃Ah。 Well it's funny you should say that；〃 he said and allowed himself a slight frown at Ford Prefect； 〃because curiously enough we haven't heard a peep out of them since we left five years ago。。。 but they must be behind us somewhere。〃
He peered off into the distance again。
Ford peered with him and gave a thoughtful frown。
〃Unless of course；〃 he said softly； 〃they were eaten by the goat。。。〃
〃Ah yes。。。〃 said the Captain with a slight hesitancy creeping into his voice； 〃the goat。。。〃 His eyes passed over the solid shapes of the instruments and puters that lined the bridge。 They winked away innocently at him。 He stared out at the stars； but none of them said a word。 He glanced at his first and second officers； but they seemed lost in their own thoughts for a moment。 He glanced at Ford Prefect who raised his eyebrows at him。
〃It's a funny thing you know；〃 said the Captain at last； 〃but now that I actually e to tell the story to someone else。。。 I mean does it strike you as odd Number Two？〃
〃Errrrrrrrrrrr。。。〃 said Number Two。
〃Well；〃 said Ford； 〃I can see that you've got a lot of things you're going to talk about； so； thanks for the drinks； and if you could sort of drop us off at the nearest convenient planet。。。〃
〃Ah； well that's a little difficult you see；〃 said the Captain； 〃because our trajectory thingy was preset before we left Golgafrincham； I think partly because I'm not very good with figures。。。〃
〃You mean we're stuck here on this ship？〃 exclaimed Ford suddenly losing patience with the whole charade； 〃When are you meant to be reaching this planet you're meant to be colonizing？〃
〃Oh； we're nearly there I think；〃 said the Captain； 〃any second now。 It's probably time I was getting out of this bath in fact。 Oh； I don't know though； why stop just when I'm enjoying it？〃
〃So we're actually going to land in a minute？〃
〃Well not so much land； in fact； not actually land as such； no。。。 er。。。〃
〃What are you talking about？〃 said Ford sharply。
〃Well；〃 said the Captain； picking his way through the words carefully； 〃I think as far as I can remember we were programmed to crash on it。〃
〃Crash？〃 shouted Ford and Arthur。
〃Er； yes；〃 said the Captain； 〃yes； it's all part of the plan I think。 There was a terribly good reason for it which I can't quite remember at the moment。 It was something to with。。。 er。。。〃
Ford exploded。
〃You're a load of useless bloody loonies！〃 he shouted。
〃Ah yes； that was it；〃 beamed the Captain； 〃that was the reason。〃
Chapter 25
The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about the planet of Golgafrincham： It is a planet with an ancient and mysterious history； rich in legend； red； and occasionally green with the blood of those who sought in times gone by to conquer her； a land of parched and barren landscapes； of sweet and sultry air heady with the scent of the perfumed springs that trickle over its hot and dusty rocks and nourish the dark