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The truth about Koei was that the longer one spent with her the more beautiful she became。 She was like a camellia that has opened its dew…spattered petals slowly to an insistent sun。 He no longer saw each feature separately； but had bee entranced by the whole。 Now the angles of her face seemed neither hard nor unforgiving； but rather an exotic backdrop that perfectly set off her eyes and mouth。
And then there was the darkness of her enigma。 It hung above her brows； shuddered in the shadows as they sat huddled together against the autumn wind sweeping through the streets； clearing rust and gold leaves from the maples。 It was always with them； and it drove Nicholas farther down a path he should have abandoned long before。
Koei looked into the cloud…filled sky。 〃Have you ever wondered why life is as it is？ Why there is so much pain and suffering？ Why people can't find peace？〃
〃I suppose it's part of the human condition。〃 She was often inexplicably melancholy； like an old woman who has e to the end of her life and； looking back upon it； weeps bitter tears。 〃There would be no religion； otherwise。 Besides； humans need to struggle。 Without it； they'd wither and die。〃
Koei hugged herself。 With any other woman Nicholas would have put his arm around her； but not Koei。 She did not like to be touched。 In fact； their sitting so close was something of a novelty。 Nicholas did not mind； he'd already had his fill of promiscuous women。
〃When I look at the future I see nothing；〃 Koei said。
〃You mean you have no profession？ Surely； you'll get married； have children； your own family。〃
She shuddered； looked bleakly at the crisp leaves dragged along the ground by the wind。 〃I don't think I could ever。。。〃 She shook her head from side to side。 〃I don't even like being with men； except for you。 I feel fortable with you； Nicholas。 I。。。〃 She seemed unable to continue。 He could feel her breathing； the quickness of her pulse。 〃Put your arm around me。〃
〃Koei。。。〃
〃Please。〃
He did as she asked。 Her eyes closed。 Her breasts rose and fell beneath her coat。 Then tears began to leak from the corners of her eyes。 They rolled down her cheeks； fell into her lap。
〃Koei； what's the matter？〃
Her eyes opened； stared into his。 〃Oh； Nicholas； I like you near me。〃
It went further； slowly； painfully。 He remembered vividly the moment when their lips first met。 It was a night when the moon was dark。 The sky； swept clean of clouds； was drizzled with stars。 An owl hooted from across open fields。 On the outskirts of Tokyo； away from her house and his； they felt the giddy freedom of explorers setting foot on a new continent。
He was aware of her trembling flesh beneath his； and a tiny whimper caught in her throat。 Then； she broke away； as if she could not bear their shared heat a moment longer。 She took deep breaths as if she had just pleted a marathon run。
〃Koei？〃 he whispered in the night。
〃Yes； yes。 Kiss me again。〃
She seemed drawn to the devastation the war had wrought upon her city。 Though almost all of the rebuilding had already taken place； there were still places throughout Tokyo that bore the scars of the bombing raids and the napalm…induced firestorms。 Afternoons； golden in the burnished autumnal atmosphere； she took him to these places as if they were intimate gardens whose exquisite existence she was willing to share。 She seemed most at ease in these maimed sites； as if the protection of her shell was not necessary here。 Thus； in an unconscious way； she presented to Nicholas the existence of her own scar； though not its mysterious nature。
Of course； by then he knew that she must have been hurt sometime in the past。 But this wound ran deep； so it was likely not merely a last…minute rejection by a suitor or a callous remark by a lover。 That it was sexual in nature he had no doubt whatsoever。 It often seemed to him that Koei burned with a sexual ardor that was quite intense； and that she lived in mortal dread of that ardent part of her。 She was split off from herself； two people at once； struggling to regain a semblance of balance after a trauma of unknown proportions。
〃You're my savior；〃 she whispered to him one night。 They were entwined in each other's arms； lying within a blanket they had laid at the edge of the open field where； sometime before； the stars had lit them； an owl had hooted mournfully； and their lips had met。 〃Save me。〃
What did she need to be saved from？
The terrible thing was Nicholas suspected that he knew。 He did not want to know； and yet he desperately wanted to understand it all because he wanted more than anything else to end her pain and suffering； to make her whole again。 It was that time of his life。 His belief that he could do this was absolute。
〃Save me。〃
By save me she meant 〃take me。〃 He knew it and she knew he knew it。 It was what she wanted。 It was what he wanted。 It was right。
Carefully； he unbuttoned her blouse。 She arched slightly and he unhooked her bra。 His head bent and his mouth enclosed one hard nipple。 She gasped； ran her fingers through his thick hair。 He could hear her ardent heartbeat； and it was as if he were dipped in fire。 He wanted more than anything to enter her and； in doing so； enclose her in warmth and protection。 He wanted an end to her suffering。
He kissed her breasts； white as milk； as he unfastened her skirt。 He pushed it down； along with her underpants。 Then he rose up over her。
At that moment； she cried out and； rolling away from him； drew her legs up to her chest。 〃Oh； my God。 Oh； my God；〃 she sobbed。
From behind her； he whispered； 〃It's all right。〃
〃No； no。〃 Her head whipped from side to side。 〃It's all turned to ashes； everything I've dreamed about for weeks。〃 Her shoulders shook。 〃I have no explanation。 I can't …〃
〃It's all right；〃 he said again； and turned her gently toward him。 〃Don't worry。 It will be fine。〃
〃No；〃 she whispered as her hand found him and enclosed him。 〃It isn't all right。〃 She caressed him lightly。
〃Koei； you don't have to …〃
〃No； no； I want to。〃 Her hand stroking so softly。 〃Oh； Nicholas； I want what you want； please believe me； but I can't …〃 She gasped as his seed exploded on her fingers and wrist。 〃Yes；〃 she sighed； her head against his heaving chest。 〃Oh； yes。'〃
In the night； with only the wind and the birds； they seemed suspended in time； wafted on currents and eddies only they could see。
Nicholas； working up his courage to say what needed to be said now； held her tightly。 〃I know you won't tell me on your own； so let me say this for you。〃
〃No。〃 She put her hand over his mouth。 〃Please； no。〃
He took her fingers firmly away。 〃You know it's for the best； Koei。 Because if I don't； you will never be healed； and the darkness will remain between us and we will never recover。 We'll e to distrust and hate one another； and I won't allow that to happen。〃
He paused for a moment； heard only the wind and the wild beating of their hearts。 She had acquiesced； finally； in the only way she knew how now。
〃You were raped； weren't you？〃 He felt a tiny spasm go through her as if he had pricked her with a needle。 〃How long ago did it happen？〃
〃Three years； five months； six days。〃 She stared up