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〃I am；〃 she said。
〃Then quit trying to save the world。〃
〃Quit？〃 She was tender。 〃We can't quit。 You taught me that。 Never quit。〃
〃It's over；〃 he said。
〃No。〃 But she wasn't being stubborn。 The smile returned。 A secret smile。 〃It's practically within our grasp。〃
〃You're dreaming。〃 He let go of her hands。
〃Yes； I'm dreaming。〃
〃What？ What do you dream about？〃 He gestured at the lab works below。 〃Glassware and tubes？〃
〃Jungles；〃 she said quietly。 〃Searching for children； looking in jungles。 Calling their names。 And finding them。 They e out from the trees。〃
〃Then we'll go to the jungles。 We can't stay。〃
〃I have to stay。〃
〃Stop it；〃 he shouted。 He was startled。 They had never argued。
After a minute； she said； 〃Go。〃
〃I'm sorry；〃 he said。
Then she said it again。 〃You should go。〃
〃Not without you。〃
〃I have no choice；〃 she said。 〃Believe me。〃
〃But you do；〃 he said。
She closed her eyes and then opened them； green eyes。 〃Do you remember that time I called you in decon？〃 she said。 〃You thought I was pregnant。〃
〃I wanted you to be pregnant；〃 he said。
〃And do you remember how surprised I was？〃 she asked。
〃You said； no way。。。。〃
〃I said； why would you say a thing like that？〃
A long minute passed。
〃I still don't know how you knew；〃 she softly finished。 She took his hand and placed it on her stomach。 She sounded awestruck。 〃I'm like clockwork。 I never miss。 So I took the test。 She's eleven weeks now。 It may have happened our very first time。 That time in the woods。〃
He was stunned。 His whole reality shifted。 The ground felt slippery。 He tried to be angry。Bring a child into this world？ But her face stopped him。 She was radiant； feverish with light； inside and out。
〃You have wanted to leave so badly；〃 she said。 〃I don't want anything to hold you。〃
〃But I didn't know；〃 he protested。
〃Now you do。〃
And suddenly； in that instant； he did know。 He looked at her hands on top of his hands。
〃You can still leave。〃 Her voice was small。
〃Miranda；〃 he said； 〃I will never leave you。〃
34
Lost Souls
7：30A 。M。
He left her sleeping。 Now； as he descended Highway 502； the wreckage and smoke were like something out of Heironymus Bosch； medieval and sulphurous and weird。 The Appaloosa despised it。 She kept balking。 Nathan Lee kept nudging her on。 Here and there across the river； pilgrims had dragged big； oily telephone poles into huge bonfires。 Even the flames looked rancid。
The row of crosses along the far banks of the Rio were stark and untidy； tilting at crazy angles； like the masts on a sinking ship。 From this distance they appeared empty。 Thepenitentes had given up their perches。 Maybe people had tired of their theater and pretence。 Blood is not always blood。 Some is more real。
Drawing closer to the bridge； he remembered every detail of his slow passage up this highway。 Partly it was the pace； horseback and gradual。 He passed the same mile marker that once designated the tree holding his saddlebags from the Smithsonian； and there was the tree。 Yet everything was changed。 The tree was nothing but dead branches； killed by defoliant。 As far as his eyes could see； the rolling valley floor was painted absurdly bright orange。 He remembered the fine July light； and that was gone。 He remembered his high hopes； and they were gone； too。 Not gone； really； but changed。 Refined； at best。 Mutated； definitely。 It frightened him。 He didn't understand what he was doing down here。 His idea was so muddy and half finished； so perilous； that it couldn't even be called an idea。 A vision； something like that。But what if he was wrong？ He tried to put Miranda out of mind。 He had promised her； and now。。。this。
The stench of camp reached out from a mile off。 The Appaloosa snorted。 Her breath smoked in the cold。 She pulled at the reins。 Nathan Lee kept her in motion with a few gentle words。 〃I know；〃 he said。 He stroked her dappled neck。 Her muscles trembled。
Closer still； they passed through a gauntlet of shot…up cars and trucks and troop carriers littering the roadside。 Some stuck nose…first in the gullies。 Many had rolled violently； thrown by land mines； mangled by rocket fire。 Windshields were spiderwebbed from bullet holes。 Bodies in white or orange or blue or green moon suits lay where snipers had dropped them。 Only now did Nathan Lee see that the battle for Los Alamos had been going on for weeks； a low grade skirmishing in this noman's…land。 The generals had not breathed a word of it。 The city had been in more danger than the citizens knew。
Now he saw the abandoned trenches。 Right and left； ugly dirt roads threaded off to hunched； mounded fire bases facing the siege camp。 They looked menacing； but were empty。 Over the last few days； it was now plain； the generals had withdrawn their army。 Nathan Lee hadn't seen a soldier for miles； not since leaving the city's fences before dawn。
The bridge lay a quarter…mile ahead。 Thick flocks of birds hung above camp。 Dark shapes gathered along the water's edge； watching him。 High atop his horse； towering above the roadside debris； Nathan Lee felt like he was hanging in midair。
A humvee's headlight suddenly shattered at his side。 The Appaloosa sheered left； and Nathan Lee had to fight to steady her。 Then someone stitched the metal fender with another dozen warning shots。 The rounds didn't punch neat； little perforations。 They passed laterally along the metal skin； ripping the fender with long knifing gashes。
Nathan Lee saw； but did not hear； the sparkle of muzzle flash in the distance。 He willed his heart to slow down； but it wouldn't。 He felt dizzy。 Crazy。It's not too late； a voice whispered。 He could take cover among the wrecks； wait for night； climb the highway。Go home。 They might still let him back inside。 Run him through decon。 Restore him to life。 That was his temptation。 Yet another。
But they would refuse him at the gate。 He knew the rules of engagement。 He wasn't wearing a moon suit。 He'd never make it close to the city again。 They would drop him with a bullet at five hundred yards。 Descending without the suit had been a conscious choice； just like his decision not to infect himself with the Sera…III。 Both would have given him degrees of protection from the virus； but both would have killed him sooner or later。 Plainly the pilgrims shot the suits on sight。 As for the Sera…III； it might have given him a three…year window； but he couldn't be sure he'd survive the next few minutes； much less years。 More to the point； he couldn't afford the forty…eight hours it would have taken for his immune system to ramp up the antibodies。 Besides； his courage would never have held so long。 Forty…eight hours is a long time to hold the razor above your own wrist。
The suit and the Sera…III were false choices anyway。 With or without them； he was entering the land of the dead。 That had been the real choice； to stay in safety or descend into the valley； and even there the choice was nil。 Because to stay meant praying for Ochs； or the generals； to show mercy； and mercy was no longer an operative term。 It wasn't that they were inherently evil men。 Of late； Nathan Lee had given up on monsters。 He'd never believed in God。 Now； far