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nd once more dialled home。 He waited for his voice to recite the useless cell…phone number； then said； 'Me again。 Don't forget Rambo's appointment at the vet day after tomorrow； okay？ Also the sea…jerky strips at night。 They really do help his hips。 Bye。'
He hung up and raised the gun again。 Before he could put the barrel in his mouth； his eye fell on the notebook。 He frowned and put the gun down。 The book was open to the last four entries。 The first thing anyone responding to the shot would see would be his dead body； sprawled across the bed closest to the bathroom； his head hanging down and bleeding on the nubbly green rug。 The second thing； however； would be the Spiral notebook； open to the final written page。
Alfie imagined some cop； some Nebraska state trooper who would never be written about on any bathroom wall due to the disciplines of scansion； reading those final entries； perhaps turning the battered old notebook toward him with the tip of his own pen。 He would read the first three entries…'Trojan Gum；' 'Poopie doopie；' 'Save Russian Jews'…and dismiss them as insanity。 He would read the last line； 'All that you love will be carried away；' and decide that the dead guy had regained a little rationality at the end； just enough to write a halfway sensible suicide note。
Alfie didn't like the idea of people thinking he was crazy （further examination of the book； which contained such information as 'Medger Evers is alive and well in Disneyland；' would only confirm that impression）。 He was not crazy； and the things he had written here over the years weren't crazy； either。 He was convinced of it。 And if he was wrong； if these were the rantings of lunatics； they needed to be examined even more closely。 That thing about don't look up here； you're pissing on your shoes； for instance； was that humor？ Or a growl of rage？
He considered using the john to get rid of the notebook； then shook his head。 He'd end up on his knees with his shirtsleeves rolled back； fishing around in there； trying to get the damn thing back out。 While the fan rattled and the fluorescent buzzed。 And although immersion might blur some of the ink； it wouldn't blur all of it。 Not enough。 Besides； the notebook had been with him so long； riding in his pocket across so many flat and empty Midwest miles。 He hated the idea of just flushing it away。
The last page； then？ Surely one page； balled up； would go down。 But that would leave the rest for them （there was always a them） to discover； all that clear evidence of an unsound mind。 They'd say； 'Lucky he didn't decide to visit a schoolyard with an AK…47。 Take a bunch of little kids with him。' And it would follow Maura like a tin can tied to a dog's tail。 'Did you hear about her husband？' they'd ask each other in the supermarket。 'Killed himself in a motel。 Left a book full of crazy stuff。 Lucky he didn't kill her。' Well； he could afford to be a little hard about that。 Maura was an adult； after all。 Carlene； on the other hand 。 。 。 Carlene was 。 。 。
Alfie looked at his watch。 At her j。…v。 basketball game； that's where Carlene was right now。 Her teammates would say most of the same things the supermarket ladies would say； only within earshot and acpanied by those chilling seventh…grade giggles。 Eyes full of glee and horror。 Was that fair？ No； of course not； but there was nothing fair about what had happened to him； either。 Sometimes when you were cruising along the highway； you saw big curls of rubber that had unwound from the recap tires some of the independent truckers used。 That was what he felt like now： thrown tread。 The pills made it worse。 They cleared your mind just enough for you to see what a colossal jam you were in。
'But I'm not crazy；' he said。 'That doesn't make me crazy。' No。 Crazy might actually be better。
Alfie picked up the notebook； flipped it closed much as he had flipped the cylinder back into the 。38； and sat there tapping it against his leg。 This was ludicrous。
Ludicrous or not； it nagged him。 The way thinking a stove burner might still be on sometimes nagged him when he was home； nagged until he finally got up and checked and found it cold。 Only this was worse。 Because he loved the stuff in the notebook。 Amassing graffiti…thinking about graffiti…had been his real work these last years； not selling price…code readers or frozen dinners that were really not much more than Swansons or Freezer Queens in fancy microwavable dishes。 The daffy exuberance of 'Helen Keller fucked her feller！' for instance。 Yet the notebook might be a real embarrassment once he was dead。 It would be like accidentally hanging yourself in the closet because you were experimenting with a new way of jacking off and got found that way with your shorts under your feet and shit on your ankles。 Some of the stuff in his notebook might show up in the newspaper； along with his picture。 Once upon a time he would have scoffed at the idea； but in these days； when even Bible Belt newspapers routinely speculated about a mole on the President's penis； the notion was hard to dismiss。
Burn it； then？ No； he'd set off the goddamned smoke detector。
Put it behind the picture on the wall？ The picture of the little boy with the fishing pole and the straw hat？
Alfie considered this； then nodded slowly。 Not a bad idea at all。 The Spiral notebook might stay there for years。 Then； someday in the distant future； it would drop out。 Someone…perhaps a lodger； more likely a maid…would pick it up； curious。 Would flip through it。 What would that person's reaction be？ Shock？ Amusement？ Plain old head…scratching puzzlement？ Alfie rather hoped for this last。 Because things in the notebook were puzzling。 'Elvis killed Big Pussy；' someone in Hackberry； Texas； had written。 'Serenity is being square；' someone in Rapid City； South Dakota； had opined。 And below that； someone had written； 'No； stupid； serenity=（va）2＋b； if v=serenity； a=satisfaction； and b=sexual patibility。'
Behind the picture； then。
Alfie was halfway across the room when he remembered the pills in his coat pocket。 And there were more in the glove partment of the car； different kinds but for the same thing。 They were prescription drugs； but not the sort the doctor gave you if you were feeling 。 。 。 well 。 。 。 sunny。 So the cops would search this room thoroughly for other kinds of drugs and when they lifted the picture away from the wall the notebook would drop out onto the green rug。 The things in it would look even worse； even crazier； because of the pains he had taken to hide it。
And they'd read the last thing as a suicide note； simply because it was the last thing。 No matter where he left the book； that would happen。 Sure as shit sticks to the ass of America； as some East Texas turnpike poet had once written。
'If they find it；' he said； and just like that the answer came to him。
The snow had thickened； the wind had grown even stronger； and the spark lights across the field were gone。 Alfie stood beside his snow…covered car at the edge of the parking lot with his coat billowing out in front of him。 At the farm； they'd all be watching TV by now。 The whole fam' damly。 Assuming the satellite dish hadn't blown off the b