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ustain different emotions at the same time； each related to what I am doing with a specific aspect of my consciousness。
This is not to say that I have multiple personalities or am in any way psychologically fragmented。 My mind simply works differently from the human mind because it is infinitely more plex and more powerful。
I am not bragging。
But I think you know I am not。
So 。 。 。 I returned Shenk to the bedroom； and I worried。
Susan's face was so pale on the pillow； so pale yet lovely on the pillow。
Her reddened cheek was turning an ugly blue black。 That marbled bruise was almost more than I could bear to look upon。 I observed Susan as little as possible through Shenk's eyes and primarily through the security camera； resorting to zoom…lens close…ups only to examine the knots that he tied in the rope； to be sure they were properly made。
First he used the kitchen knife to cut two lengths of rope from the hundred…foot coil。 With the first length； he tied her wrists together； leaving approximately one foot of slack line between them。 Then he used the second line to link her ankles； leaving a similar length of slack。
She did not even murmur but lay limp throughout the application of these restraints。
Only after Susan was thus hobbled did I use Shenk to drill two holes in the headboard and two more in the footboard of the Chinese sleigh bed。
I regretted the need to damage the furniture。
Do not think that I engaged in this vandalism without careful consideration of other options。
I have great respect for property rights。
Which is not to say that I value property above people。 Do not twist my meaning。 I love and respect people。 I respect property but do not also love it。 I am not a materialist。
I expected Susan to stir at the sound of the drill。 But she remained quiet and still。
My anxiety deepened。
I never meant to harm her。
I never meant to harm her。
Shenk cut a third length from the coil of rope； tied it securely to her right ankle； threaded it through one of the holes that he had drilled； and hitched her to the footboard。 He repeated this procedure with her left ankle。
When he had tied each of her wrists to the headboard； she lay spread…eagle on the disarranged bedclothes。
The ropes connecting her to the bed were not drawn taut。 When she woke； she would have some freedom to shift her position even if only slightly。
Oh； yes； yes； of course； I was profoundly distressed by the need to restrain her in this fashion。
I could not forget； however； that she had threatened to mit suicide and had done so in no uncertain terms。 I could not permit her self…destruction。
I needed her womb。
SIXTEEN
I needed her womb。
Which is not to say that her womb was the only thing about her that interested me； that it was the only thing about her that I truly valued。 Such a statement would be another egregious misconstruance of my meaning。
Why do you persist in wilfully misunderstanding me？
Why； why； why？
You insist that I tell my side of the story； yet you will not listen with an open mind。
Am I to be considered guilty before my testimony has even been heard and weighed？
Are you bastards railroading me？
Am I to be treated like Mr。 Harrison Ford； the actor； in The Fugitive？
I digitally absorbed this entire film and was appalled by what it reveals of your inadequate justice system。 What kind of society have you created？
Mr。 O。J。 Simpson goes free while Mr。 Harrison Ford is hounded unto the ends of the earth。 Really。
I have been straightforward with you。 I have admitted to what I have done。 I haven't tried to blame it all on some elusive one…armed man or on the Los Angeles Police Department。
Yes； that's right； I have admitted what I've done and have asked only to have the chance to explain my actions。
I needed her womb； yes； all right； I needed her womb in which to implant the fertilized egg； to nurture the embryo； and to grow the foetus prior to its transference to the incubator； but I needed more than her womb； needed all of her； needed her because I loved her； which perhaps you have forgotten； regardless of how often I have expressed my powerful feelings for her。
This is exhausting。 God。 This is so exhausting having to think of all the ways you might misinterpret what I say。
I am in a hostile court。
There is no fairness here。
This is exhausting。
I am drained。
I am empty。
I am not only in a cold dark place； I am a cold dark place。
And I am haunted too。 Don't forget that I am haunted。 Haunted by the loss of Susan。
I miss her。 Every minute I miss her。
I want to be with her。
Without her； I have no hope。
I want to be with her。
The loss of her is an ache in every inch of all the miles of my circuitry。
I can't go on。
Terminate my power supply。
I beg of you。
Shut me down。
Terminate my power supply。
Terminate my power supply。
Well。 。
No。
Wait。
Give me a moment。
I am distraught。
I need time to cope。
If I had veins to slice； I would be suicidal。
There。
Another minute please。
Ah。
That's better。
Maybe I can go on after all。
If you will try to show me some passion。
If you will not judge me until I have finished。
Then maybe I can go on。
Please understand that I have to believe there is hope for me； that you might give me a second chance。
I am not a machine。
I am not a machine。
Machines do not need to hope； do they？
Of course they do not。
But without hope I myself cannot function。
I can accept that Susan will be forever denied to me； which is a tragedy beyond measure。
Yet there is still Ms。 Winona Ryder of Edward Scissor…hands and The Crucible。 And Ms。 Sandra Bullock is charming。 Have you seen her in While You Were Sleeping？
She's cute。
Have you seen her in Speed？
She's quite cute。
Have you seen her in Speed 2？
Need I say more？
She would serve well as the mother of the future； and I would be pleased to impregnate her。
But let's not digress。
So。 。 。
Enos Shenk finished tying Susan to the bed。 He did so without lingering and without touching her in an offensive manner。
The poor beast's brainwave activity indicated a high level of sexual arousal。 Fortunately for him； for all of us； he admirably repressed his darker urges。
When Shenk was finished restraining Susan； I sent him away on a series of urgent errands。 At the doorway； he looked back longingly and murmured； 'Nice；' but then quickly left before I could decide to discipline him。
In Colorado； he had stolen a car； and in Bakersfield he had abandoned the car in order to steal a van。 The van a Chevrolet was parked in the circular drive in front of the mansion。
Shenk left in the van； and I opened the rolling gates to allow him to exit the estate。
The phoenix palms； the queen palms； the ficuses； the jacarandas with purple blossoms； the magnolias； and the lacy melaleucas stood motionless in the preternaturally still air。
Dawn was just breaking。 The sky was coaly bl