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scape me； and knew it mattered； but could not care。 I forgot all except exploring this sensation。
〃Bastard！〃 Galen bellowed； and struck me with his fist on the side of my head。 I fell； helpless； for the pain was not enough to jolt me from the entrancement of the Skill。 I felt him kick me； I knew the cold of the stones under me that bruised and scraped me； and yet I felt I was held； smothered in a blanket of euphoria that would not let me pay attention to the beating。 My mind assured me； despite the pain； that all was well； there was no need to fight or flee。
Somewhere a tide was ebbing； leaving me beached and gasping。 Galen stood over me； disheveled and sweating。 His breath smoked in the cold air as he leaned close over me。 〃Die！〃 he said； but I did not hear the words。 I felt them。 He let go of my throat and I fell。
And in the wake of the devouring elation of the Skill came now a bleakness of failure and guilt that made my physical pain as nothing。 My nose was bleeding； it was painful to breathe； and the force of the kicks he had dealt me had scraped skin from my body as I had slid across the tower stones。 The different pains so contradicted one another； each clamoring for attention； that I couldn't even assess what damage had been done to me。 I could not even gather myself together to stand back up。 But looming over all was the knowledge that I had failed。 I was defeated and unworthy and Galen had proven it。
As if from a distance； I heard him shouting at the others； telling them to beware； for this was how he would deal with those so undisciplined that they could not turn their minds from pleasure to the Skill。 And he warned them all of what befell such a man who strove to use the Skill and instead fell under the spell of the pleasure it bore with it。 Such a man would bee mindless； a great infant； speechless； sightless； soiling himself； forgetting thought； forgetting even food and drink； until he died。 Such a one was beyond disgust。
And such a one was I。 I sank into my shame。 Helplessly； I began to sob。 I merited such treatment as he had given me。 I deserved worse。 Only a misplaced pity had kept Galen from killing me。 I had wasted his time； had taken his painstaking instruction and turned it all to selfish indulgence。 I fled myself； going deeper and deeper within； but finding only disgust and hatred for myself layered throughout my thoughts。 I would be better off dead。 Were I to throw myself from the tower roof； it would still not be enough to destroy my shame； but at least I need no longer be aware of it。 I lay still and wept。
The others left。 As each one passed they had a word； a gobbet of spittle； a kick or a blow for me。 I scarcely noticed。 I rejected myself more pletely than they could。 Then they were gone； and Galen alone stood over me。 He nudged me with his foot； but I was incapable of response。 Suddenly he was everywhere； over； under； around； and inside me； and I could not deny him。 〃You see； bastard；〃 he said archly； calmly。 〃I tried to tell them you were not worthy。 I tried to tell them the training would kill you。 But you would not listen。 You strove to usurp that which had been given to another。 Again； I am right。 Well。 This has not been time wasted if it has done away with you。〃
I don't know when he left me。 After a time I was aware that it was the moon looking down on me； and not Galen。 I rolled onto my belly。 I could not stand； but I could crawl。 Not quickly； not even lifting my stomach pletely off the ground； but I could scuffle and scrape myself along。 With a singleness of purpose； I began to make my way toward the low wall。 I thought that I could drag myself up onto a bench； and from there to the top of the wall。 And from there。 Down。 End it。
It was a long journey； in the cold and the dark。 Somewhere I could hear a whimpering； and I despised myself for that； too。 But as I scraped myself along； it grew； as a spark in the distance bees a fire as one approaches。 It refused to be ignored。 It grew louder in my mind； a whining against my fate； a tiny voice of resistance that forbade that I should die； that denied my failure。 It was warmth and light； too； and it grew stronger and stronger as I tried to find its source。
I stopped。
I lay still。
It was inside me。 The more I sought it； the stronger it grew。 It loved me。 Loved me even if I couldn't； wouldn't； didn't love myself。 Loved me even if I hated it。 It set its tiny teeth in my soul and braced and held so that I couldn't crawl any farther。 And when I tried； a howl of despair burst from it； searing me； forbidding me to break so sacred a trust。
It was Smithy。
He cried with my pains； physical and mental。 And when I stopped struggling toward the wall； he went into a paroxysm of joy； a celebration of triumph for us。 And all I could do to reward him was to lie still and no longer attempt to destroy myself。 And he assured me it was enough； it was a plenitude； it was a joy。 I closed my eyes。
The moon was high when Burrich rolled me gently over。 The Fool held high a torch and Smithy capered and danced about his feet。 Burrich gathered me up and stood； as if I were still a child just given into his care。 I had a glimpse of his dark face； but read nothing there。 He carried me down the long stone staircase； and the Fool bore the torch to light the way。 And he took me out of the keep； and back to the stables； and up to his room。 There the Fool left Burrich and Smithy and me； and I do not recall that there had been one word spoken。 Burrich set me down on his own bed； and then dragged it； bedstead and all； closer to the fire。 With returning warmth came great pain； and I gave my body over to Burrich； my soul to Smithy； and let go of my mind for a long while。
I opened my eyes to night。 I knew not which one。
Burrich sat next to me still； undozing； not even slumped in his chair。 I felt the strictures of bandaging on my ribs。 I lifted a hand to touch it； but was baffled by two splinted fingers。 Burrich's eyes followed my motion。 〃They were swollen with more than cold。 Too swollen for me to tell if they were breaks； or just sprains。 I splinted them in case。 I suspect they're just sprained。 I think if they were broken； the pain of my working on them would have wakened even you。
He spoke calmly； as if telling me that he had purged a new dog for worms as a preventive against contagion。 And just as his steady voice and calm touch had worked on a frantic animal； so it worked on me。 I relaxed； thinking that if he were calm； not much could be wrong。 He slipped a finger under the bandages supporting my ribs； checking the tightness。 〃What happened？〃 he asked； and turned aside from me to pick up a cup of tea as he spoke； as if the question and my answer were of no great import。
I pushed my mind back over the last few weeks； tried to find a way to explain。 Events danced in my mind； slipped away from me。 I remembered only defeat。 〃Galen tested me；〃 I said slowly。 〃I failed。 And he punished me for it。〃 And with my words； a wave of dejection； shame； and guilt swept over me； washing away the brief fort I had taken in the familiar surroundings。 On the hearth； a s