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he point of saying something more； then didn't。 His eyes said it for him： And humiliating myself by damn' near begging。
〃I just don't understand why you're trying so hard；〃 I said。 〃I mean； I'm flattered； but…〃
〃Because if anyone can bring in a book or create an idea that will keep Zenith from going belly…up； it's you；〃 he said。 There was an intensity in his eyes I found almost frightening。 〃I know how fucking embarrassed you were by the whole Detweiller business； but…〃
〃Please；〃 I said。 〃Let's not add insult to injury。〃
〃I had no intention of even bringing it up；〃 he said。 〃It's just that your very openness to such an off…the…wall proposition…〃
〃It was off the wall； all right…〃
〃Will you shut up and listen？ Your response to the Detweiller query showed you're still alive to a potentially mercial idea。 Herb or Bill would simply have dropped his letter in the circular file。〃
〃And we all would have been a lot better off；〃 I said； but I saw where he was going and would be lying if I didn't say I was flattered。 。 。 and that I felt a little better about the Detweiller affair for the first time since my humiliation at the police station。
〃This time；〃 he agreed。 〃But those guys also would have turned down V。 C。 Andrews with her Toys in the Attic series； or some brand new idea。 Boom； into the circular file and then back to contemplating their navels。〃 He paused。 〃I need you； Johnny； and I think it would be good if you stayed…for you； for me； for Zenith。 There's no other way I can put it。 Think it over and give me your answer。 I'll accept it either way。〃
〃You'd be paying me for the equivalent of cutting out paper dolls； Roger。〃
〃That's a chance I'm willing to take。〃
I thought about it。 I'd started to clean out my desk that day and hadn't gotten very far…to paraphrase Poe； who would have thought the old desk could have had so much crap in it？ Or maybe it was just me； and that crack about not even being able to tie my own shoelaces wasn't so wrong； after all。 I'd gotten two empty cardboard cartons from Riddley's room （which smells oddly green lately； like fresh marijuana…and no； I didn't see any） and did nothing but stare from one to the other。 Maybe with a little more time I could at least plete the elementary job of cleaning up my old life before starting some unimaginable new one。 It's just that I've felt so fucking dreary。 〃Suppose we table the resignation until the end of the month；〃 I said。 〃would that ease your mind？〃
He smiled。 〃It's not the best I'd hoped for；〃 he said； 〃but it's not the worst I was afraid of； either。 I'll take it。 And now I think we better order while we can still sit up straight。〃
We ordered steaks； and ate them； but by then my mouth was too numb to taste much。 I suppose I just ought to be grateful that no one had to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on either of us。
As we were leaving…holding onto each other； assisted by the anxious maitre d' （who no doubt only wanted to get us the fuck out of there before we broke something）； Roger told me： 〃Something else I learned in that psychology course…〃
〃What did you say they called it？ The Psychology of Damaged Souls？〃
We were outside by then； and his cackles drifted away in little frosty plumes of vapor。 〃It was the Psychology of Human Stress； but I actually like yours better。〃 Roger energetically flagged down a cab； whose driver would shortly be very sorry he picked us up。 〃It also said that it helps to keep a diary。〃
〃Shit；〃 I said。 〃I haven't kept a diary since I was eleven。〃
〃Well what the hell；〃 he said。 〃look for it； John。 Maybe it's still around somewhere。〃 And he went off into another wild run of cackles which only ended when he leaned over and puked nonchalantly on his own shoes。
He did it twice more on the way to his apartment building at 20th and Park Avenue South； leaning as far out the window as he could （which wasn't too far since it was one of those Plymouths where the rear windows will only roll down about halfway and there's a grim little yellow and black sign that says DO NOT FORCE THE WINDOW！） and just sort of blowing it into the slipstream and then settling back with that same nonchalant expression on his face。 Our driver； a Nigerian or Somalian by his accent； was horrified。 He pulled over to the curb and ordered us out。 I was willing； but Roger sat tight。
〃My friend；〃 he said； 〃I would get out if I could walk。 Since I cannot； you must convey us hence。〃
〃I want you out my caib； good sah。〃
〃So far I have done you the courtesy of vomiting out the window；〃 Roger said with that same nonchalant and rather pleasant expression on his face。 〃It hasn't been easy because of the angle； but I have done it。 I think in another few seconds I am going to vomit again。 If you don't convey us hence； I am going to do it in your ashtray。〃
At Roger's building I assisted him into the lobby and saw him into the elevator with his apartment key in his hand。 Then I wove my way back to the cab。
〃You git annoder cab； mon；〃 the driver said。 〃You just pay me and git annoder。 I don't want to no mo convey you hence。〃
〃It's just down to Soho；〃 I said； 〃and I'll give you a hell of a tip。 Also； I don't feel like puking。〃 This was a bit of a lie； I'm afraid。
He took me； and from the look of my wallet the next day I did indeed give him a hell of a tip。 And I actually managed to make it upstairs before throwing up。 Although once I started I didn't stop for quite awhile。
I didn't go in the next day…it was all I could do to get out of bed。 My head felt monstrous； bloated。 I called in around three and got Bill Gelb； who told me Roger hadn't shown； either。
Since then I have done a lot of crying and have had mostly sleepless nights； but perhaps Roger wasn't so wrongthe only hours that I feel even halfway myself are the ones spent on the 9th floor at 490 Park。 Riddley has just about had to sweep me out the door along with his red sawdust the last two nights。 Maybe there is something to that old 〃he threw himself into his work〃 crap after all。 Even this diary idea feels right。 。 。 although it may only be the relief of finally being done with my dreadful pastoral novel。
Maybe I'll stay on after all。 Onward and upward。 。 。 if there is any upward left for me。 Man； I still can't believe she's gone。 And I still haven't lost hope that she may change her mind。
March 21； 1981 Mr。 John 〃Poop…Shit〃 Kenton Zenith House Publishers； Home of the Pus…Bags 490 Kaka Avenue South New York； New York 10017
Dear Poop…Shit；
Did you think I had forgotten you？ My plans for revenge will go forward no matter WHAT！ happens to me！ You and all your fellow 〃Pus…Bags〃 will soon feel the WRATH！ of CARLOS！！
I have covened the powers of Hell；
Carlos Detweiller
In Transit； U。 S。 A。
PS…Smell anything 〃green〃 yet； Mr。 Poop…Shit Kenton？
From John Kenton's diary。 March 22； 1981
Had a letter from Carlos today。 I laughed until I shrieked。 Herb Porter came on the run； wanted to know if I was dying or what。 I showed it to him。 He read it and only frowned。 He wanted to know what I was laughing about…didn't I take this Detweille