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proving； that when a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do； he'd better pull his finger out and get on with it。
And so it was with the Phnaargs of Phnaargos。 Their 'gotta doing' was not immediately apparent。 They lived upon a gloriously verdant world； devoid of killer reptiles and flying scorpions； rich in natural vegetation； with a mild climate and some really knockout sunsets。 However； to wax biblical； this Eden was not without its serpent。 Only here it came in the form of the cathode ray tube。 Mankind didn't e across this miracle until its closing moments； but it wasn't so on Phnaargos。 For on Phnaargos； the cathode ray tube grew wild。 And so； at a time when humankind was still tossing rocks at the hairy elephants and experimenting with DIY in the family cave； the Phnaargs were watching TV。
Now； if it was strange that the cathode ray tube should grow wild upon a planet； then it is surely stranger still that the botanical equivalents of the video camera； the microphone； the mixing desk； the spotlight； the little monocular thing that a really duff director wears around his neck； and all the other paraphernalia necessary to television production； should similarly be blooming away； ready for the harvest。 In fact； many might be forgiven for finding it unlikely； to say the very least。 But the Almighty moves in mysterious ways； his wonders to perform。 And who are we to question his motives？
Now； with all this technology sprouting around them； one might also be forgiven for thinking that the Phnaargs were a 'race blessed of God'。 But； you'd be wrong on that one too。 For nothing could be further from the truth。 The Phnaargs were the first race ever to bee irrevocably hooked on television； the first to fall victim to the dangerous and terminally addictive radiations of the cathode ray tube。 And once infected at such an early stage in their development； they were well and truly done for。
Within a few short years of their discovery； the planet was literally forested with cultivated TV stations and the Phnaargs； almost slaves。 Those not engaged in full time viewing strove to supply the needs of those who were。 The needs soon became demands and the demands were wild。 For this was a young and primitive stock and it liked its TV meaty！
And so Duke's Principle came into effect upon Phnaargos。 The Phnaarg TV execs； finding that supply was far outstripped by demand； were forced to do something。 To boldly go where no man had gone before。 To seek out new worlds and new civilizations。 And televise them。
And such it was； that by a rare freak of chance； which suddenly makes all the foregoing relevant； the Phnaargs came across Planet Earth。 Here they found man； still stoning the mammoths； whacking up the murals and generally minding his own business。 Had he been allowed to carry on with these trivial pursuits； he would probably be doing so even now。 But the visiting Phnaargs were not slow to realize the potential of mankind's development as great TV material。 They wasted little time in setting up their horticultural transmitters and getting on with the show。 And the rest； like it or like it not； is history。
The series became an overnight success。 The Phnaargian viewers took to this 'everyday story of simple folk' like Teds to a tapered trouser； and The Earthers became the most popular series in the history of the universe。
Now； on the face of it； this might appear to be harmless enough stuff； a race； hopelessly addicted to television； watching the exploits of another。 And so it might possibly have remained； but for the Phnaarg viewing public's fanatical craving for 'a bit of action'。 Much against their better judgement； the producers of The Earthers found themselves forced to help things along a bit。
It all began in a small way； with fire； the wheel and language。 The Earthers just didn't seem to be getting the hang of them。 And as the series was now running prime…time； there seemed good reason to slip all these into one weekly episode； to get the ball rolling。
The fact that this was done has always been vigorously denied by the producers； as have suggestions that they have been doing likewise ever since。 Continually tampering with Earth history to keep the ratings up。 The Phnaargian tabloids have made scandalous assertions that certain popular figures have been 'reincarnated' over the centuries； and even that some of the major roles have been played by Phnaargian actors dressed up to look like Earthers。
Whether there is any truth in this isn't easy to say； the producers of the series wisely having kept the precise location of Planet Earth to themselves as a simple precaution against nosy parkers。 But the fact that next week's episode of The Earthers is always previewed in the television papers should be enough to raise the occasional suspicion。
However； by the Earth year 2050 viewing figures on Phnaargos were tailing off dramatically。 And viewers； miffed that their favourites had got the chop in the Nuclear Holocaust Event； an episode which achieved the biggest ever ratings and won several much…coveted awards； were switching off in droves。 The idea of watching a rather undistinguished cast of scabby…looking individuals； whose lives apparently revolved around watching television； was of very little interest。 It was so far…fetched； for one thing。
And so it came to be that on a May morning； when summer was the season； the executive team of Earthers Inc。 held a very special meeting。 The boardroom perched； high in the spiral leafbound plex。 The Phnaargian sun； Rupert； nudged a golden ray or two down towards the broad and membraned picture…window； where； tinted to a subtle rose…pink； they fell upon the exquisite table of Goldenwood which grew in the centre of the room。 The room itself was another marvel of horticultural architecture。 A masterpiece； designed and grown by the leading 'hortitect' of the day； Capability Crabshaw。
Crabshaw's current passion was for the work of the late and legendary Vita Sackville…West。 This was reflected in this year's boardroom 'look'。 The chairs were the product of painstaking topiary work； performed upon box hedges。 The svelte grass carpeting the floor was sewn with thyme； camomile and other fragrant herbs； which released aromatic essences when stepped upon。 Acacia Dealata and Aibizia Julibrissin flowered in weathered terracotta pots； arranged in pleasing positions to every corner of the room。 It was all very much just so。 But whether the members of the board； hunched sullenly in their box…hedge baronials； had any appreciation whatsoever for this Sissinghurst in the sky； must remain in some doubt。 For these were desperate men。 And he who had the most to lose was the most desperate of them all。
Mungo Madoc； station controller； surveyed his troops with a bitter eye。 Mungo was 'Earthish' to the very nostrils。 But for the greenly…dyed mustachios； waxed into the six points； befitting to his status； and the extraordinarily lush three…piece； clothing his ample frame； one might have taken him for an Earthman any day of the week。 Except possibly Tuesday。
Of the executive board； little can be offered to the reader in terms of their variance from established Earth type。 They