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And don't agree at all with the wise Roman；
Heroic； stoic Cato； the sententious；
Who lent his lady to his friend Hortensius。
I know Gulbeyaz was extremely wrong；
I own it； I deplore it； I condemn it；
But I detest all fiction even in song；
And so must tell the truth； howe'er you blame it。
Her reason being weak； her passions strong；
She thought that her lord's heart （even could she claim it）
Was scarce enough； for he had fifty…nine
Years； and a fifteen…hundredth concubine。
I am not； like Cassio； 'an arithmetician；'
But by 'the bookish theoric' it appears；
If 't is summ'd up with feminine precision；
That； adding to the account his Highness' years；
The fair Sultana err'd from inanition；
For； were the Sultan just to all his dears；
She could but claim the fifteen…hundredth part
Of what should be monopoly… the heart。
It is observed that ladies are litigious
Upon all legal objects of possession；
And not the least so when they are religious；
Which doubles what they think of the transgression：
With suits and prosecutions they besiege us；
As the tribunals show through many a session；
When they suspect that any one goes shares
In that to which the law makes them sole heirs。
Now； if this holds good in a Christian land；
The heathen also； though with lesser latitude；
Are apt to carry things with a high hand；
And take what kings call 'an imposing attitude；'
And for their rights connubial make a stand；
When their liege husbands treat them with ingratitude：
And as four wives must have quadruple claims；
The Tigris hath its jealousies like Thames。
Gulbeyaz was the fourth； and （as I said）
The favourite； but what 's favour amongst four？
Polygamy may well be held in dread；
Not only as a sin； but as a bore：
Most wise men； with one moderate woman wed；
Will scarcely find philosophy for more；
And all （except Mahometans） forbear
To make the nuptial couch a 'Bed of Ware。'
His Highness； the sublimest of mankind；…
So styled according to the usual forms
Of every monarch； till they are consign'd
To those sad hungry jacobins the worms；
Who on the very loftiest kings have dined；…
His Highness gazed upon Gulbeyaz' charms；
Expecting all the wele of a lover
（A 'Highland wele' all the wide world over）。
Now here we should distinguish； for howe'er
Kisses； sweet words； embraces； and all that；
May look like what is… neither here nor there；
They are put on as easily as a hat；
Or rather bonnet； which the fair sex wear；
Trimm'd either heads or hearts to decorate；
Which form an ornament； but no more part
Of heads； than their caresses of the heart。
A slight blush； a soft tremor； a calm kind
Of gentle feminine delight； and shown
More in the eyelids than the eyes； resign'd
Rather to hide what pleases most unknown；
Are the best tokens （to a modest mind）
Of love； when seated on his loveliest throne；
A sincere woman's breast；… for over…warm
Or over…cold annihilates the charm。
For over…warmth； if false； is worse than truth；
If true； 't is no great lease of its own fire；
For no one； save in very early youth；
Would like （I think） to trust all to desire；
Which is but a precarious bond； in sooth；
And apt to be transferr'd to the first buyer
At a sad discount： while your over chilly
Women； on t' other hand； seem somewhat silly。
That is； we cannot pardon their bad taste；
For so it seems to lovers swift or slow；
Who fain would have a mutual flame confess'd；
And see a sentimental passion glow；
Even were St。 Francis' paramour their guest；
In his monastic concubine of snow；…
In short； the maxim for the amorous tribe is
Horatian； 'Medio tu tutissimus ibis。'
The 'tu' 's too much；… but let it stand；… the verse
Requires it； that 's to say； the English rhyme；
And not the pink of old hexameters；
But； after all； there 's neither tune nor time
In the last line； which cannot well be worse；
And was thrust in to close the octave's chime：
I own no prosody can ever rate it
As a rule； but truth may； if you translate it。
If fair Gulbeyaz overdid her part；
I know not… it succeeded； and success
Is much in most things； not less in the heart
Than other articles of female dress。
Self…love in man； too； beats all female art；
They lie； we lie； all lie； but love no less；
And no one virtue yet； except starvation；
Could stop that worst of vices… propagation。
We leave this royal couple to repose：
A bed is not a throne； and they may sleep；
Whate'er their dreams be； if of joys or woes：
Yet disappointed joys are woes as deep
As any man's day mixture undergoes。
Our least of sorrows are such as we weep；
'T is the vile daily drop on drop which wears
The soul out （like the stone） with petty cares。
A scolding wife； a sullen son； a bill
To pay； unpaid； protested； or discounted
At a per…centage； a child cross； dog ill；
A favourite horse fallen lame just as he 's mounted；
A bad old woman making a worse will；
Which leaves you minus of the cash you counted
As certain；… these are paltry things； and yet
I 've rarely seen the man they did not fret。
I 'm a philosopher； confound them all！
Bills； beasts； and men； and… no！ not womankind！
With one good hearty curse I vent my gall；
And then my stoicism leaves nought behind
Which it can either pain or evil call；
And I can give my whole soul up to mind；
Though what is soul or mind； their birth or growth；
Is more than I know… the deuce take them both！
As after reading Athanasius' curse；
Which doth your true believer so much please：
I doubt if any now could make it worse
O'er his worst enemy when at his knees；
'T is so sententious； positive； and terse；
And decorates the book of mon Prayer；
As doth a rainbow the just clearing air。
Gulbeyaz and her lord were sleeping； or
At least one of them！… Oh； the heavy night；
When wicked wives； who love some bachelor；
Lie down in dudgeon to sigh for the light
Of the gray morning； and look vainly for
Its twinkle through the lattice dusky quite…
To toss； to tumble； doze； revive； and quake
Lest their too lawful bed…fellow should wake！
These are beneath the canopy of heaven；
Also beneath the canopy of beds
Four…posted and silk curtain'd； which are given
For rich men and their brides to lay their heads
Upon； in sheets white as what bards call 'driven
Snow。' Well！ 't is all hap…hazard when one weds。
Gulbeyaz was an empress； but had been
Perhaps as wretched if a peasant's quean。
Don Juan in his feminine disguise；
With all the damsels in their long array；
Had bow'd themselves before th' imperial eyes；
And at the usual signal ta'en their way
Back to their chambers； those long galleries
In the seraglio； where the ladies lay
Their delicate limbs； a thousand bosoms there
Beating for love； as the caged bird's for air。
I love the sex； and sometimes would reverse
The tyrant's wish； 'that mankind only had
One neck； which he with one fell stroke might pierce：'
My wish is quite as wide； but not so bad；
And much more tender on the whole than fierce；
It being （not now； but only while a lad）
That womankind had but one rosy mouth；
To kiss them all at once from North to South。
Oh； enviable Briareus！ with thy hands
And heads； if thou hadst all things multiplied
In such proportion！