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thing； turn the lights off； and space out。 She wouldn't be in a bad
mood； though。 When I came home from school； she'd call me into her
room and sit me down next to her and ask me about my day。 I'd tell
her all the little things … like what kinds of games I played with my
friends or what the teacher said or my exam results； stuff like that。
She'd take in every detail and make ments and suggestions； but as
soon as I left … to play with a friend； say； or go to a ballet lesson … she'd
space out again。 After two days； she'd snap out of it just like that and
go to
school。 This kind of thing went on for； I don't know； maybe
four years。 My parents were worried at first and I think they went to a
doctor for advice； but； I mean； she'd be perfectly fine after two days；
so they thought it would work itself out if they left her alone； she was
such a bright； steady girl。
〃After she died； though； I heard my parents talking about a younger
brother of my father's who had died long before。 He had also been
very bright； but he had stayed shut up in the house for four years …
from the time he was 17 until he was 21。 And then suddenly one day
he left the house and jumped in front of a train。 My father said；
〃Maybe it's in the blood … from my side'。〃
While Naoko was speaking； her fingers unconsciously teased the
tassel of the plume grass； scattering its fibres to the wind。 When the
shaft was bare； she wound it around her fingers。
〃I was the one who found my sister dead；〃 she went on。 〃In autumn
when I was in the first year。 November。 On a dark； rainy day。 My
sister was in the sixth…form at the time。 I came home from my piano
lesson at 6。30 and my mother was making dinner。 She told me to tell
my sister it was ready。 I went upstairs and knocked on her door and
yelled 〃Dinner's ready'； but there was no answer。 Her room was
pletely silent。 I thought this was strange； so I knocked again；
opened the door and peeped inside。 I thought she was probably
sleeping。 She wasn't in bed； though。 She was standing by the window；
staring outside； with her neck bent at a kind of angle like this； like she
was thinking。 The room was dark； the lights were out； and it was hard
to see anything。 〃What are you doing？' I said to her。 〃Dinner is ready。'
That's when I noticed that she looked taller than usual。 What was
going on？ I wondered： it was so strange！ Did she have high heels on？
Was she standing on something？ I moved closer and was just about to
speak to her again when I saw it： there was a rope above her head。 It
came straight down from a beam in the ceiling … I mean it was
amazingly straight； like somebody had drawn a line in space with a
ruler。 My sister had a white blouse on … yeah； a simple white blouse
like this one … and a grey skirt； and her toes were pointing down like a
ballerina's； except there was a space between the tip of her toes and
the floor of maybe seven or eight inches。 I took in every detail。 Her
face； too。 I looked at her face。 I couldn't help it。 I thought： I've got to
go right downstairs and tell my mother。 I've got to scream。 But my
body ignored me。 It moved on its own； separately from my conscious
mind。 It was trying to lower her from the rope while my mind was
telling me to hurry downstairs。 Of course； there was no way a little
girl could have the strength to do such a thing； and so I just stood
there； spacing out； for maybe five or six minutes； a total blank； like
something inside me had died。 I just stayed that way； with my sister；
in that cold； dark place until my mother came up to see what was
going on。〃
Naoko shook her head。
〃For three days after that I couldn't talk。 I just lay in bed like a dead
person； eyes wide open and staring into space。 I didn't know what was
happening。〃 Naoko pressed against my arm。 〃I told you in my letter；
didn't I？ I'm a far more flawed human being than you realize。 My
sickness is a lot worse than you think： it has far deeper roots。 And
that's why I want you to go on ahead of me if you can。 Don't wait for
me。 Sleep with other girls if you want to。 Don't let thoughts of me hold
you back。 Just do what you want to do。 Otherwise； I might end up
taking you with me； and that is the one thing I don't want to do。 I don't
want to interfere with your life。 I don't want to interfere with
anybody's life。 Like I said before； I want you to e to see me every
once in a while； and always remember me。 That's all I want。〃
〃It's not all I want； though；〃 I said。
〃You're wasting your life being involved with me。〃 〃I'm not wasting
anything。〃
〃But I might never recover。 Will you wait for me forever？
Can you wait 10 years； 20 years？〃
〃You're letting yourself be scared by too many things；〃 I said。 〃The
dark； bad dreams； the power of the dead。 You have to forget them。 I'm
sure you'll get well if you do。〃
〃If I can；〃 said Naoko； shaking her head。
〃If you can get out of this place； will you live with me？〃 I asked。
〃Then I can protect you from the dark and from bad dreams。 Then
you'd have me instead of Reiko to hold you when things got difficult。〃
Naoko pressed still more firmly against me。 〃That would be
wonderful；〃 she said。
We got back to the cafe a little before three。 Reiko was reading a book
and listening to Brahms' Second Piano Concerto on the radio。 There
was something wonderful about Brahms playing at the edge of a
grassy meadow without a sign of anyone as far as the eye could see。
Reiko was whistling along with the cello passage that begins the third
movement。
〃Backhaus and Bohm；〃 she said。 〃I wore this record out once； a long
time ago。 Literally。 I wore the grooves out listening to every note。 I
sucked the music right out of it。〃
Naoko and I ordered coffee。
〃Do a lot of talking？〃 asked Reiko。
〃Tons；〃 said Naoko。
〃Tell me all about his； uh； you know； later。〃
〃We didn't do any of that；〃 said Naoko； reddening。 〃Really？〃 Reiko
asked me。 〃Nothing？〃 〃Nothing；〃 I said。
〃Bo…o…o…ring！〃 she said with a bored look on her face。 〃True；〃 I said；
sipping my coffee。
The scene in the dining hall was the same as the day before … the
mood； the voices； the faces。 Only the menu had changed。 The balding
man in white； who yesterday had been talking about the secretion of
gastric juices under weightless conditions； joined the three of us at our
table and talked for a long time about the correlation of brain size to
intelligence。 As we ate our soybean burgers； we heard all about the
volume of Bismarck's brain and Napoleon's。 He pushed his plate aside
and used a ballpoint pen and notepaper to draw sketches of brains。 He
would start to draw； declare 〃No； that's not quite it〃； and begin a new
one。 This happened several times。 When he had finished； he carefully
put the remaining notepaper away in a pocket of his white jacket and
slipped the pen into his breast pocket； in which he kept a total of three
pens； along with pencils and a ruler。 Having finished his meal； he
repeated what he had told me the day before； 〃The winters here are
really nice。 Make sure you e back when it's winter；〃 and left the
dining hall。
〃Is he a doctor or a p