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while I have been able to sit down and calmly write a letter。 The one I
wrote you in July was something I had to squeeze out of me （though；
to tell the truth； I don't remember what I wrote … was it terrible？）； but
this time I am very； very calm。 Clean air； a quiet world cut off from
the outside； a daily schedule for living； regular exercise： those are
what I needed； it seems。 How wonderful it is to be able to write
someone a letter！ To feel like conveying your thoughts to a person； to
sit at your desk and pick up a pen； to put your thoughts into words like
this is truly marvellous。 Of course； once I do put them into words； I
find I can only express a fraction of what I want to say； but that's all
right。 I'm happy just to be able to feel I want to write to someone。 And
so I am writing to you。 It's 7。30 in the evening； I've had my dinner and
I've just finished my bath。 The place is silent； and it's pitch black
outside。 I can't see a single light through the window。 I usually have a
clear view of the stars from here； but not today； with the clouds。
Everyone here knows a lot about the stars； and they tell me 〃That's
Virgo〃 or 〃That's Sagittarius〃。 They probably learn whether they want
to or not because there's nothing to do here once the sun goes down。
Which is also why they know so much about birds and flowers and
insects。 Speaking to them； I realize how ignorant I was about such
things； which is kind of nice。
There are about 70 people living here。 In addition； the staff （doctors；
nurses； office staff； etc。） e to just over 20。 It's such a wide…open
place； these are not big numbers at all。 Far from it： it might be more
accurate to say the place is on the empty side。 It's big and filled with
nature and everybody lives quietly… so quietly you sometimes feel
that this is the normal； real world； which of course it's not。 We can
have it this way because we live here under certain preconditions。
I play tennis and basketball。 Basketball teams are made up of both
staff and （I hate the word； but there's no way around it） patients。 When
I'm absorbed in a game； though； I lose track of who are the patients
and who are staff。 This is kind of strange。 I know this will sound
strange； but when I look at the people around me during a game； they
all look equally deformed。
I said this one day to the doctor in charge of my case； and he told me
that； in a sense； what I was feeling was right； that we are in here not to
correct the deformation but to accustom ourselves to it： that one of our
problems was our inability to recognize and accept our own
deformities。 Just as each person has certain idiosyncrasies in the way
he or she walks； people have idiosyncrasies in the way they think and
feel and see things； and though you might want to correct them； it
doesn't happen overnight； and if you try to force the issue in one case；
something else might go funny。 He gave me a very simp lified
explanation； of course； and it's just one small part of the problems we
have； but I think I understand what he was trying to say。 It may well
be that we can never fully adapt to our own deformities。 Unable to
find a place inside ourselves for the very real pain and suffering that
these deformities cause； we e here to get away from such things。
As long as we are here； we can get by without hurting others or being
hurt by them because we know that we are 〃deformed〃。 That's what
distinguishes us from the outside world： most people go about their
lives unconscious of their deformities； while in this little world of ours
the deformities themselves are a precondition。 Just as Indians wear
feathers on their heads to show what tribe they belong to； we wear our
deformities in the open。 And we live quietly so as not to hurt one
another。
In addition to playing sports； we all participate in growing vegetables：
tomatoes； aubergines； cucumbers； watermelons； strawberries； spring
onions； cabbage； daikon radishes； and so on and on。 We grow just
about everything。 We use greenhouses； too。 The people here know a
lot about vegetable farming； and they put a lot of energy into it。 They
read books on the subject and call in experts and talk from morning to
night about which fertilizer to use and the condition of the soil and
stuff like that。 I have e to love growing vegetables。 It's great to
watch different fruits and vegetables getting bigger and bigger each
day。 Have you ever grown watermelons？ They swell up； just like
some kind of little animals。
We eat freshly picked fruits and vegetables every day。 They also serve
meat and fish of course； but when you're living here you feel less and
less like eating those because the vegetables are so fresh and
delicious。 Sometimes we go out and gather wild plants and
mushrooms。 We have experts on that kind of thing （e to think of
it； this place is crawling with experts） who tell us which plants to pick
and which to avoid。 As a result of all this； I've gained over six pounds
since I got here。 My weight is just about perfect； thanks to the exercise
and the good eating on a regular schedule。
When we're not farming； we read or listen to music or knit。 We don't
have TV or radio； but we do have a very decent library with books and
records。 The record collection has everything from Mahler
symphonies to the Beatles； and I'm always borrowing records to listen
to in my room。
The one real problem with this place is that once you're here you don't
want to leave … or you're afraid to leave。 As long as we're here； we feel
calm and peaceful。 Our deformities seem natural。 We think we've
recovered。 But we can never be sure that the outside world will accept
us in the same way。
My doctor says it's time I began having contact with 〃outside people〃
… meaning normal people in the normal world。 When he says that； the
only face I see is yours。 To tell the truth； I don't want to see my
parents。 They're too upset over me； and seeing them puts me in a bad
mood。 Plus； there are things I have to explain to you。 I'm not sure I
can explain them very well； but they're important things I can't go on
avoiding any longer。
Still； you shouldn't feel that I'm a burden to you。 The one thing I don't
want to be is a burden to anyone。 I can sense the good feelings you
have for me。 They make me very happy。 All I am doing in this letter is
trying to convey that happiness to you。 Those good feelings of yours
are probably just what I need at this point in my life。 Please forgive
me if anything I've written here upsets you。 As I said before； I am a far
more flawed human being than you realize。
I sometimes wonder： IF you and I had met under absolutely ordinary
circumstances； and IF we had liked each other； what would have
happened？ IF I had been normal and you had been normal （which； of
course； you are） and there had been no Kizuki； what would have
happened？ Of course； this 〃IF〃 is way too big。 I'm trying hard at least
to be fair and honest。 It's all I can do at this point。 I hope to convey
some small part of my feelings to you this way。
Unlike an ordinary hospital； this place has free visiting h