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cuddle up and beg for something； they'd just shove me away and yell
at me。 〃No！ That costs too much！' It's all I ever heard。 So I made up
my mind I was going to find someone who would love me uncon…
ditionally 365 days a year。 I was still in primary school at the time； but
I made up my mind once and for all。〃
〃Wow；〃 I said。 〃And did your search pay off？〃
〃That's the hard part；〃 said Midori。 She watched the rising smoke for a
while； thinking。 〃I guess I've been waiting so long I'm looking for
perfection。 That makes it tough。〃
〃Waiting for the perfect love？〃
〃No； even I know better than that。 I'm looking for selfishness。 Perfect
selfishness。 Like； say I tell you I want to eat strawberry shortbread。
And you stop everything you're doing and run out and buy it for me。
And you e back out of breath and get down on your knees and
hold this strawberry shortbread out to me。 And I say I don't want it
any more and throw it out of the window。 That's what 'm looking I
for。〃
〃I'm not sure that has anything to do with love；〃 I said with some
amazement。
〃It does；〃 she said。 〃You just don't know it。 There are times in a girl's
life when things like that are incredibly important。〃
〃Things like throwing strawberry shortbread out of the window？〃
〃Exactly。 And when I do it； I want the man to apologize to me。 〃Now I
see； Midori。 What a fool I've been！ I should have known that you
would lose your desire for strawberry shortbread。 I have all the
intelligence and sensitivity of a piece of donkey shit。 To make it up to
you； I'll go out and buy you something else。 What would you like？
Chocolate mousse？ Cheesecake？〃'
〃So then what？〃
〃So then I'd give him all the love he deserves for what he's done。〃
〃Sounds crazy to me。〃
〃Well； to me； that's what love is。 Not that anyone can understand me；
though。〃 Midori gave her head a little shake against my shoulder。 〃For
a certain kind of person； love begins from something tiny or silly。
From something like that or it doesn't begin at all。〃
〃I've never met a girl who thinks like you。〃
〃A lot of people tell me that；〃 she said； digging at a cuticle。 〃But it's
the only way I know how to think。 Seriously。 I'm just telling you what
I believe。 It's never crossed my mind that my way of thinking is
different from other people's。 I'm not trying to be different。 But when I
speak out honestly； everybody thinks I'm kidding or play…acting。
When that happens； I feel like everything's such a pain！〃
〃And you want to let yourself die in a fire？〃
〃Hey； no； that's different。 It's just a matter of curiosity。〃
〃What？ Dying in a fire？〃
〃No； I just wanted to see how you'd react；〃 Midori said。 〃But； I'm not
afraid of dying。 Really。 Like here； I'd just be overe with smoke
and lose consciousness and die before I knew it。 That doesn't frighten
me at all； pared to the way I saw my mother and a few relatives
die。 All my relatives die after suffering from some terrible illness。 It's
in the blood； I guess。 It's always a long； long process； and at the end
you almost can't tell whether the person is alive or dead。 All that's left
is pain and suffering。〃
Midori put a Marlboro between her lips and lit it。
〃That's the kind of death that frightens me。 The shadow of death
slowly； slowly eats away at the region of life； and before you know it
everything's dark and you can't see； and the people around you think
of you as more dead than alive。 I hate that。 I couldn't stand it。〃
Another half hour and the fire was out。 They had apparently kept it
from spreading and prevented any injuries。 All but one of the fire
engines returned to base； and the crowd dispersed； buzzing with
conversation。 One police car remained to direct the traffic； its blue
light spinning。 Two crows had settled on nearby lamp…posts to observe
the activity below。
Midori seemed drained of energy。 Limp； she stared at the sky and
barely spoke。
〃Tired？〃 I asked。
〃Not really；〃 she said。 〃I just sort of let myself go limp and spaced out。
First time in a long time。〃
She looked into my eyes； and I into hers。 I put my arm around her and
kissed her。 The slightest twinge went through her shoulders； and then
she relaxed and closed her eyes for several seconds。 The early autumn
sun cast the shadow of her lashes on her cheek； and I could see it
trembling in outline。
It was a soft and gentle kiss； one not meant to lead beyond itself。 I
would probably not have kissed Midori that day if we hadn't spent the
afternoon on the laundry deck in the sun； drinking beer and watching a
fire； and she no doubt felt the same。 After a long time of watching the
glittering rooftops and the smoke and the red dragonflies and other
things； we had felt something warm and close； and we both probably
wanted； half…consciously； to preserve that mood in some form。 It was
that kind of kiss。 But as with all kisses； it was not without a certain
element of danger。
The first to speak was Midori。 She held my hand and told me； with
what seemed like some difficulty； that she was seeing someone。 I said
that I had sensed as much。
〃Do you have a girl you like？〃 she asked。
〃I do；〃 I said。
〃But you're always free on Sundays； right？〃 〃It's very plicated；〃 I
said。
And then I realized that the brief spell of the early autumn afternoon
had vanished。
At five I said I had to go to work and suggested that Midori e with
me for a snack。 She said she had to stay home in case the phone rang。
〃I hate waiting at home all day for a call。 When I spend the day alone；
I feel as if my flesh is rotting little by little … rotting and melting until
there's nothing left but a green puddle that gets sucked down into the
earth。 And all that stays behind are my clothes。 That's how it feels to
me； waiting indoors all day。〃 〃I'll keep you pany next time you
have to wait for a
call；〃 I said。 'As long as lunch is included。〃
〃Great；〃 she said。 〃I'll arrange another fire for dessert。〃
Midori didn't e to the next day's History of Drama lecture。 I went
to the cafeteria afterwards and ate a cold； tasteless lunch alone。 Then I
sat in the sun and observed the campus scene。 Two women students
next to me were carrying on a long conversation； standing the whole
time。 One cradled a tennis racquet to her breast with all the loving care
she might give a baby； while the other held some books and a Leonard
Bernstein LP Both were pretty and obviously en joying their
discussion。 From the direction of the student club building came the
sound of a bass voice practising scales。 Here and there stood groups of
four or five students expressing whatever opinions they happened to
hold； laughing and shouting to one another。 There were skateboarders
in the car park。 A professor with a leather briefcase in his arms
crossed the car park； avoiding them。 In the quadrangle a helmeted girl
student knelt on the ground； painting huge characters on a sign with
something about American imperialism invading Asia。 It was the
usual midday university scene； but as I sat watching it with renewed
attention； I became aware of something。 In his or her own way；
everyone I saw before m