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up。 The neighbors’ radios were all silent； and his mother hadn’tyet risen to fix his father’s breakfast。 John wondered at his panic； then wondered about the time；and then （while the yellow stain on the ceiling slowly transformed itself into a woman’snakedness） he remembered that it was his fourteenth birthday and that he had sinned。
His first thought； nevertheless； was： ‘Will anyone remember？’ For it had happened； once ortwice； that his birthday had passed entirely unnoticed； and no one had said ‘Happy Birthday；Johnny；’ or given him anything—not even his mother。
Roy stirred again and John pushed him away； listening to the silence。 On other mornings heawoke hearing his mother singing in the kitchen； hearing his father in the bedroom behind himgrunting and muttering prayers to himself as he put on his clothes； hearing； perhaps； the chatter ofSarah and the squalling of Ruth； and the radios； the clatter of pots and pans； and the voices of allthe folk nearby。 This morning not even the cry of a bedspring disturbed the silence； and Johnseemed； therefore； to be listening to his own unspeaking doom。 He could believe； almost； that hehad awakened late on that great getting…up morning； that all the saved had been transformed in thetwinkling of an eye； and had risen to meet Jesus in the clouds； and that he was left； with his sinfulbody； to be bound in hell a thousand years。
He had sinned。 In spite of the saints； his mother and his father； the warning he had heardfrom his earliest beginnings； he had sinned with his hands a sin that was hard to forgive。 In theschool lavatory； alone； thinking of the boys； older； bigger； braver； who made bets with each otheras to whose urine could arch higher； he had watched in himself a transformation of which hewould never dare to speak。
And the darkness of John’s sin was like the darkness of the church on Saturday evenings；like the silence of the church while he was there alone； sweeping； and running water into the greatbucket； and overturning chairs； long before the saints arrived。 It was like his thoughts as he movedabout the tabernacle in which his life had been spent； the tabernacle hated； yet loved and feared。 Itwas like Roy’s curses； like the echoes these curses raised in John： he remembered Roy； on somerare Saturday when he had e to help John clean the church； cursing in the house of God； andmaking obscene gestures before the eyes of Jesus。 It was like all this； and it was like the walls thatwitnessed and the placards on the walls which testified that the wages of sin was death。 Thedarkness of his sin was in the hardheartedness with which he resisted God’s power； in the scornthat was often his while he listened to the crying； breaking voices； and watched the black skinglisten while they lifted up their arms and fell on their faces before the Lord。 For he had made hisdecision。 He would not be like his father； or his father’s fathers。 He would have another life。
For John excelled in school； though not； like Elisha； in mathematics or basket…ball； and itwas said that he had a Great Future。 He might bee a Great Leader of His People。 John was notmuch interested in His people and still less in leading them anywhere； but the phrase so oftenrepeated rose in his mind like a great brass gate； opening outward for him on a world where peopledid not live in the darkness of his father’s house； did not pray to Jesus in the darkness of hisfather’s church； where he would eat good food； and wear fine clothes； and go to the movies asoften as he wished。 In this world John； who was； his father said； ugly； who was always the smallestboy in his class； and who had no friends； became immediately beautiful； tall； and popular。 Peoplefell all over themselves to meet John Grimes。 He was a poet； or a college president； or a moviestar； he drank expensive whisky； and he smoke Lucky Strike cigarettes in the green package。
It was not only colored people who praised John； since they could not； John felt； in anycase really know； but white people also said it； in fact had said it first and said it still。 It was whenJohn was five years old and in the first grade that he was first noticed； and since he was noticed byan eye altogether alien and impersonal； he began to perceive； in wild uneasiness； his individualexistence。
They were learning the alphabet that day； and six children at a time were sent to theblackboard to write the letters they had memorized。 Six had finished and were waiting for theteacher’s judgment when the back door opened and the school principal； of whom everyone wasterrified； entered the room； No one spoke or moved。 In the silence the principal’s voice said：
‘Which child is that？’
She was pointing to the blackboard； at John’s letters。 The possibility of being distinguishedby her notice did not enter John’s mind； and so he simply stared at her。 Then he realized； by theimmobility of the other children and by the way they avoided looking at him； that it was he whowas selected for punishment。
“Speak up； John；’ said the teacher； gently。
On the edge of tears； he mumbled his name and waited。 The principal； a woman with whitehair and an iron face； looked down at him。
‘You’re a very bright boy； John Grimes；’ she said。 ‘Keep up the good work。’
Then she walked out of the room。
That moment gave him； from that time on； if not a weapon at least a shield； he apprehendedtotally； without belief or understanding； that he had in himself a power that other people lacked；that he could use this to save himself； to raise himself； and that； perhaps； with this power he mightone day win that love which he so longed for。 This was not； in John； a faith subject to death oralteration； nor yet a hope subject to destruction； it was his identity； and part； therefore； of thatwickedness for which his father beat him and to which he clung in order to withstand his father。
His father’s arm； rising and falling； might make him cry； and that voice might cause him totremble； yet his father could never be entirely the victor； for John cherished something that hisfather could not reach。 It was his hatred and his intelligence that he cherished； the one feeding theother。 He lived for the day when his father would be dying and he； John； would curse him on hisdeath…bed。 And this was why； though he had been born in faith and had been surrounded all his lifeby the saints and by their prayers and their rejoicing； and though the tabernacle in which theyworshipped was more pletely real to him that the several precarious homes in which he and hisfamily had lived； John’s heart was hardened against the Lord。 His father was God’s minister； theambassador of the King of Heaven； and John could not bow before the throne of grace without firstkneeling to his father。 On his refusal to do this had his life depended； and John’s secret heart hadflourished in its wickedness until the day his sin first overtook him。
In the midst of all his wonderings he fell asleep again； and when he woke up this time and got outof bed his father had gone to the factory； where he would work for half a day。 Roy was sitting inthe kitchen； quarrelling with their mother。 The baby； Ruth； sat in her