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driving himself； at limited…mail speed。 Papers； he'd get his head punched
at every compartment； first； second； and third； the whole length of a train；
if he was to ventur to imitate my demeanour。 It's the same with the
porters； the same with the guards； the same with the ticket clerks； the same
the whole way up to the secretary； traffic…manager； or very chairman。
There ain't a one among 'em on the nobly independent footing we are。
Did you ever catch one of them； when you wanted anything of him；
making a system of surveying the Line through a transparent medium
composed of your head and body？ I should hope not。
You should see our Bandolining Room at Mugby Junction。 It's led to
by the door behind the counter； which you'll notice usually stands ajar； and
it's the room where Our Missis and our young ladies Bandolines their hair。
You should see 'em at it； betwixt trains； Bandolining away； as if they was
anointing themselves for the combat。 When you're telegraphed； you
should see their noses all a… going up with scorn； as if it was a part of the
working of the same Cooke and Wheatstone electrical machinery。 You
should hear Our Missis give the word； 〃Here comes the Beast to be Fed！〃
and then you should see 'em indignantly skipping across the Line； from the
Up to the Down； or Wicer Warsaw； and begin to pitch the stale pastry into
the plates； and chuck the sawdust sangwiches under the glass covers； and
get out theha； ha； ha！the sherry；O my eye； my eye！for your
Refreshment。
It's only in the Isle of the Brave and Land of the Free （by which； of
course； I mean to say Britannia） that Refreshmenting is so effective； so
'olesome； so constitutional a check upon the public。 There was a Foreigner；
which having politely； with his hat off； beseeched our young ladies and
Our Missis for 〃a leetel gloss host prarndee；〃 and having had the Line
surveyed through him by all and no other acknowledgment； was a…
proceeding at last to help himself； as seems to be the custom in his own
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country； when Our Missis； with her hair almost a…coming un…Bandolined
with rage； and her eyes omitting sparks； flew at him； cotched the decanter
out of his hand； and said； 〃Put it down！ I won't allow that！〃 The
foreigner turned pale； stepped back with his arms stretched out in front of
him； his hands clasped； and his shoulders riz； and exclaimed： 〃Ah！ Is it
possible； this！ That these disdaineous females and this ferocious old
woman are placed here by the administration； not only to empoison the
voyagers； but to affront them！ Great Heaven！ How arrives it？ The
English people。 Or is he then a slave？ Or idiot？〃 Another time； a merry；
wideawake American gent had tried the sawdust and spit it out； and had
tried the Sherry and spit that out； and had tried in vain to sustain exhausted
natur upon Butter…Scotch； and had been rather extra Bandolined and Line…
surveyed through； when； as the bell was ringing and he paid Our Missis；
he says； very loud and good…tempered： 〃I tell Yew what 'tis； ma'arm。 I
la'af。 Theer！ I la'af。 I Dew。 I oughter ha' seen most things； for I hail
from the Onlimited side of the Atlantic Ocean； and I haive travelled right
slick over the Limited； head on through Jeerusalemm and the East； and
likeways France and Italy； Europe Old World； and am now upon the track
to the Chief Europian Village； but such an Institution as Yew； and Yewer
young ladies； and Yewer fixin's solid and liquid； afore the glorious Tarnal I
never did see yet！ And if I hain't found the eighth wonder of monarchical
Creation； in finding Yew and Yewer young ladies； and Yewer fixin's solid
and liquid； all as aforesaid； established in a country where the people air
not absolute Loo… naticks； I am Extra Double Darned with a Nip and
Frizzle to the innermostest grit！ WheerfurTheer！I la'af！ I Dew；
ma'arm。 I la'af！〃 And so he went； stamping and shaking his sides；
along the platform all the way to his own compartment。
I think it was her standing up agin the Foreigner as giv' Our Missis the
idea of going over to France； and droring a comparison betwixt
Refreshmenting as followed among the frog…eaters； and Refreshmenting as
triumphant in the Isle of the Brave and Land of the Free （by which； of
course； I mean to say agin； Britannia）。 Our young ladies； Miss Whiff；
Miss Piff； and Mrs。 Sniff； was unanimous opposed to her going； for； as
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they says to Our Missis one and all； it is well beknown to the hends of the
herth as no other nation except Britain has a idea of anythink； but above
all of business。 Why then should you tire yourself to prove what is
already proved？ Our Missis； however （being a teazer at all pints） stood
out grim obstinate； and got a return pass by Southeastern Tidal； to go right
through； if such should be her dispositions； to Marseilles。
Sniff is husband to Mrs。 Sniff； and is a regular insignificant cove。 He
looks arter the sawdust department in a back room； and is sometimes；
when we are very hard put to it； let behind the counter with a corkscrew；
but never when it can be helped； his demeanour towards the public being
disgusting servile。 How Mrs。 Sniff ever come so far to lower herself as
to marry him； I don't know； but I suppose he does； and I should think he
wished he didn't； for he leads a awful life。 Mrs。 Sniff couldn't be much
harder with him if he was public。 Similarly； Miss Whiff and Miss Piff；
taking the tone of Mrs。 Sniff； they shoulder Sniff about when he IS let in
with a corkscrew； and they whisk things out of his hands when in his
servility he is a…going to let the public have 'em； and they snap him up
when in the crawling baseness of his spirit he is a…going to answer a public
question； and they drore more tears into his eyes than ever the mustard
does which he all day long lays on to the sawdust。